What to do when other speak over the top of you?

[madeitagain]

I am a fairly reserved person. I have had an ongoing problem at work meetings, book clubs, biggish social gatherings: i.e. where there is situation where anyone can contribute adhoc. I find others constantly talk over the top of me. Any ideas on what I can do? I realise this not a situation unique to me but I do think it happens to me more than most. I must be doing something wrong.

I'm guilty of interrupting. I didn't even notice until somebody at work took offence. I'm guilty of blurting out an idea or of expanding on somebody else's suggestion. I am working hard to stop this bad habit.
What works for me is any version of 'I hadn't finished, please let me finish'. My shame face goes on and I apologize. I am getting much better...

And see above, I don't want to rely on another person in order to be heard. I will give the 'As I was saying ......' idea a go.

I always find this one works....I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?

Why do you think people may talk over you OP? If it happens this regularly do you have any idea honestly why? If so many people do it in different situations is there any commonality you can can think of? ie How long have you usually been talking? Have you repeated yourself at all? Are you saying something dull (sorry - but everyone does sometimes)? Is your voice monotone/quiet? How are the others body language? Are their eyes darting around? Are they shifting from foot to foot/fidgeting? etc.

I think starting to talk before someone has finished is quite normal if it seems they are coming to the end of their point. Often it is the cue that your turn has finished to long talkers (DH will talk and talk unless prompted to stop - he also does the 'i was still talking' thing, but the point is sometimes if people are interrupting, then you are boring them, i say 'but DH you could 'still be talking' for another 3 hours is everyone to wait till you deem it time to finish?'). I have very rarely been in a conversation with anyone (apart from PILs and in interviews) where you wait completely for silence then you take a turn. In large groups there is no order so it usually is up to someone to jump in.

Have you heard about active listening OP? It's a technique I was taught for customer services; it can often be difficult to get a word in when a customer is angry and shouting at you and this is a non-intrusive way of getting your point across without interrupting (which will make an angry customer even angrier!).

The technique is to introduce a small 'yes', 'uh-huh' or similar /agreement/acknowledgement after each point they make. This has the effect of 'training' them to pause for your acknowledgement, which also results in a natural 'interrupt' point you can use ;)

Drop-kick them? Alternatively, you could leave some shrimp in their desk .

How about holding up a palm to their face? Nothing fancy about that, but it works.

I noticed that Mrs. Thatcher was able to deal with interrupting journalists with a firm "Let me finish what I'm saying." so I tried it. It works and it sounds assertive.

On a couple of occasions recently I just raised my voice and carried on talking over the person who interrupted me until they eventually stopped. I was just so enraged at not being listened to. This technique worked so well I plan to use it again.

I have a friend who does this - she's the loveliest most thoughtful person otherwise but is so damn rude. I usually see her with one other friend and she will just frequently cut completely across what one of us is saying (even if we are answering a question she asked). The other friend called her on it tonight - just said, "X, fairy was still talking" My MIL also does it and I have now perfected the art of instantly shutting up, glazing over and then resuming what I was saying when she pauses for breath.

I have two remedies, it took me years to become brave enough to try them out, but I can usually manage one or the other - if I am really offended.

1. My mouth drops open, eyes widen, I make eye contact with the interrupter and squeak 'Oh' pathetically. If the offender won't look at me I choose anyone else in the group, and having squeaked, shrug my shoulders and smile.

1. Just laugh and apologise, a shoulder shrug goes well here too.

As long as someone else in the group acknowledges the interruption I usually feel less angry/dismayed.

Can I just add - please also check that you aren't droning on and on and dominating the conversation (you don't sound like you are OP - just a general point) as sometimes I see this happen to people who will not shut up and 'take turns'.

"Mouth is open Nursey. Should be shut!"
My mother did this all day yesterday! We popped over to see my Dad and his new wife. I got about 6 words in edgeways. Every time I started to answer a question, mum finished it. I just told her to shut up and let me tell my story please! Doesn't work so well with non family, but in that scenario, I would just cross my arms and give them a hard stare until they shut up and then say "thank you"!

I have a friend like fairylights, too. She's also absolutely lovely but does this a lot - it's usually when I'm answering her question, so something like:

her: How's DD getting on at school?
me: she loves it, she really enjoys...
her: when they get to that age they're like little sponges aren't they?
me: yes, she's taking time getting used to maths, but loves...
her: I was never very good at maths either

It's REALLY hard as she's lovely. I just pause and let her finish, concentrate hard on where I was in the thread then acknowledge what she's said and carry on "yes, I'm not bit on maths either but she does really love reading".

It's hard work though!

I think social gatherings should be treated completely differently to a meeting/work situation.

Social gatherings are generally a bit rowdy, I think everyone probably gets talked over at one point especially if it's a large group. I wouldn't necessarily take any action as such in this situation, just maybe turn to someone and carry on the sentence/story with them iyswim? If it's a story/joke, just butt in with 'Wait! Let me get this out or we've no chance as i'll forget!' or something similar.

In a work situation/meeting though - completely different. I will 'allow' it once...afterall, many of the people at meetings I attend are 'passionate' about what we're discussing. If it happens again though a very firm 'Sorry Mark (or whoever), if I could just finish please', with a slightly raised hand towards them...followed by lowering your hand towards the floor (palm down) and immediate continuation of your sentence.
This is a VERY effective 'training tool' which I picked up in an NLP course and have used in training environments and meetings. What you're doing with the hand gesture is 'physically' shutting them down and ending their input. The psychology behind it is fascinating, it ALWAYS works.
It does sometimes take a bit of bollocks and it took me ages to be able to do this but generally you will be better respected if you do.

Whilst others do interrupt, if its often and with many people, it may be you,

Are you concise with your point or waffle?
Are you just repeating someone else?
Is it time to move on?
Are you the most appropriate person to answer?
And are you knowledgable enough and correct?

"Before I was interrupted, I was saying...."

"Before I was so rudely interrupted" , then continue with what you want to say ....

I always find this one works....I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the start of yours?

Oh God, sorry, but that is awful.

Especially in a work environment, even though the interrupter is the one at wrong you HAVE to be subtle about it to a certain extent. Otherwise the only thing you'll achieve is a reputation of being a massive prick.

My husband has a very effective tactic for this in the workplace. He will hold his hand up the minute the person interrupting begins speaking -this draws other people the room's attention to the interruption. When the interrupter eventually shuts up he will look them directly in the eye and say
"As I was saying. . . " and start speaking again making sure he repeats anything relevant to his point to ensure he has the focus back on him. He has said that he finds it makes the person a little bit embarrassed but also ensures what he was (trying) to say sticks in people's heads and the conversation effectively carries on from the point he was making.

I hate all this management of fellow humans. Some people can't help it, I would never want to embarrass them in to submit ion.

yy SingMore, it just sounds crass, and it is. I would be embarrassed for anybody saying that.

The only time I tend to interrupt people is on telephone conference calls, I hate them. They're just not conducive to conversations at all. Bloody technology...

I just use sarcasm/a bit of dry wit

"I am sorry was I talking whilst you were interrupting? Do excuse me!"

Usually shuts em up

Conference calls are a nightmare. I have weekly ones with 8 other people, all men, and we are on 3 continents so there are satellite delays too. Utterly impossible to know when to speak and if 2 of use try to use the same pause the man always wins out and the chair never remembers to go back after blokey was finished and say "I think Jessie wanted to say something?". These calls never work unless very rigidly structured and managed by a strong chair.

I'll try to use some of these!

Likenever: I just pause and let her finish, concentrate hard on where I was in the thread then acknowledge what she's said and carry on

I suggest you stop acknowledging what she's said. I used to live with a serial interrupter and the thing that worked best was to completely ignore her point. I would stop, wait for her to finish, then continue exactly what I was saying. Also if she did it to other people, I'd say 'so InterruptedFriend, what were you saying?

It helps a LOT!