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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL and holiday home

69 replies

Champagnecharleyismyname · 20/02/2014 21:02

Big back story here with relationship with PIL but latest is they are buying a holiday home in another country. They are very excited and have said it is for family use.

There are three brothers, oldest 2 are from first marriage. Large age gap and last brother is only child from FIL and MIL.

PIL about to sign contract on new holiday home and rang today to say it will be in youngest brother's name as it has been bought with inheritance money from a relative of FIL.

DH is upset but won't talk about it. AIBU to question this??

OP posts:
caroldecker · 20/02/2014 21:58

Maybe FIL dosen't see it as his money, but the relatives, so keeping it in the relatives family, but use can be made by his family (including DH)

Original poster
Champagnecharleyismyname · 20/02/2014 22:02

Jollyjennie thanks! There are 5 children all together as FIL had 2 from his first marriage and I assumed equal treatment. MIL always spends the same on DGC for example.

Funny because there are lots of step grand children also and there is lots of discussion about spending the same on each at birthday and Christmas.

Not about inheritance, it's about showing each sibling they are loved.

OP posts:
YeahThatsWhatISaid · 20/02/2014 22:06

I also think it could be the relatives wish.

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 20/02/2014 22:10

You would be unreasonable to question it, but your DH is not being unreasonable to be upset by it.

mynewpassion · 20/02/2014 22:16

I think that last bit about FIL having two children from previous relationship is drip feeding.

Putting into the child of both mil and FIL is fair. This way your DH and his brother will not feel left out if it's only in FIL's biological children' names. If it's only in the brothers' name then FIL's DDs will feel left out.

24yearslivingnextdoortoalice · 20/02/2014 22:16

Re: inheritance tax; is FIL trying to get round this by giving up his inheritance from relative and having the money passed straight to his son?

Say Great Uncle Bulgaria dies and leaves £100k to FIL; FIL doesn't want this to be part of his estate when he dies so he signs money straight over to his son?

boydonewrongagain · 20/02/2014 22:20

I dont agree with the posts about your dh step dad being forced to spend the money on his biological son only i have a dsd who lives with me permanently and I raise her as my own.

Not that they ever would but if anyone in my family gave me inheritance and said it was only for my biological children I would still split it evenly among all three of them.

If someone gave me money and verbalised that the money was only for 2 of my kids I would tell them to stick their money. We are a family families stick together. My dsd is treated like my other kids I've had her from her being 2 years old.

If this is the reason your dh hasn't gotten his name on the house then that is still a pretty hurtful reason.
Your dh's step dad is risking alienating brothers over money is so sad.

Original poster
Champagnecharleyismyname · 20/02/2014 22:22

Sorry really didn't mean to drip feed re FILs other 2 children. He has very little contact with them but I have no idea what the intention is for them. We have only been told that holiday home will be in youngest sons name. Not sure why MIL chose today to tell DH, maybe because contract I'd about to be signed.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 20/02/2014 22:25

Where is the home? Lots of countries have strict rules about inheritance and blood. Do you actually know that brother is being favoured? It may be that he is left that home and other property or assets are left to other siblings.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary · 20/02/2014 22:28

Dh has similar with sfil.

They bought a holiday home overseas, only his sons have ever been invited not sure we would ever be able to afford the flights but it is the principle of being treated equally.... Sfil and mil have been together since dh was 16 (he was om).

ENormaSnob · 20/02/2014 22:29

So what about fils other 2 bio kids?

If its about them inheritance staying within fils bio family, surely it should be in their 3 names?

mynewpassion · 20/02/2014 22:34

Or it could be that FIL is circumventing his two other children from inheriting or going after the holiday home if it's in younger brother's name.

Now who do we feel sorry for more? At least then your DH is able to use the home. FIL's other two children are left in the cold.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/02/2014 22:39

Before you mentioned the other 2 children, I did wonder whether maybe FIL feels that your DH & his older brother will be in line for an inheritance from a relative of their biological father at some point? Even if they are not in touch, they could still be eligible as next of kin (depending of course, on whether there is a will etc.)?

Now though, I am not so sure. I don't understand why the holiday home has not been put into the name of all 3 of FIL's biological children if it was bought with his family's money. Unless inheritance tax laws in the country the house is in would only allow a biological child of both residents to own the house without penalty?

Other than that, no idea. If there are 5 children in the family, I would think the only fair division is equal shares.

Finola1step · 20/02/2014 22:48

YABU in the sense that your PIL can decide how they want to spend their money.

But, I fail to see why this money is just the FIL's? In a marriage, surely if one inherits, then they choose to share with their spouse. I could never envisage inheriting money and keeping it all to myself.

I will also say that YADNBU to be very uncomfortable in the differentiated treatment between the siblings. This happened in my mother's family. Her df remarried when she was 7 or 8. She was the youngest of 4 and very surprisingly (post war) they all lived with their dad. When new wife came into picture, all the children were told to call her mum and so the pretence began. The decades of insisting that she loved us all the same despite the obvious favouring of the 2 children born into the second marraige and then their own children. The ripples from all of this have been huge.

All you can do OP is support your DH in what he decides to do, if anything. Do not discuss with your PILs directly.

Sixweekstowait · 20/02/2014 22:58

Boydone - absolutely! And I hate this ' it's his money to do what he wants with ' approach., in families we have a moral duty to think about the consequences of our actions for others, what he's done is unkind and thoughtless and is bound to cause hurt. Nothing now to stop younger son selling house and pocketing money - no hols for anyone then!

mrsjay · 20/02/2014 23:02

och i think that is really unfair on all the sons so the younger one is biological son but come on, I have a step dad I think i would be hurt if my dad bought a house in my (half) sisters name and didnt include me, although saying that did your fil get a mortgage maybe that is why he bought it in the younger brothers name maybe he is on the mortgage I relise i might be clutching at straws with that

Cobain · 20/02/2014 23:08

There could be other reasons, the holiday home maybe a % of their assets, their main property could be for other siblings. They may have trust funds set up and they could be dividing assets to cut down on inheritance tax. My Fil has bought one of his DC a flat out right but he is now out of the will.

mrsjay · 20/02/2014 23:10

It could be something likethat cobain yes

expatinscotland · 20/02/2014 23:12

YABU.

Original poster
Champagnecharleyismyname · 20/02/2014 23:22

We have never given a second thought as to who would inherit what. MIL has been the driver behind the holiday home, she has wanted a house in this country for years. We prob just need to digest the info, it came in a 5 min phone call today. They have their reasons and we need to accept that.

OP posts:
Jollyjennie · 21/02/2014 10:24

I agree totally witth boydonewrong.

Original poster
Champagnecharleyismyname · 21/02/2014 11:13

Talked to DH about it last night and he is hoping it is because the relative has specified this. I don't think so but I am leaving it now. We are seeing both the brothers soon and the relationship is strained anyway so I don't want to make it worse. I shall keep my opinions to myself.

It's been really helpful getting some other perspectives especially from those with step children.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 21/02/2014 11:57

I have three children with my husband and he has one with his first wife.
Our will is split so that our biological children get more than his daughter.
This is his choice as he knows that being only 1 of 2 children by his ex-wife (the other child is not my husbands) she will get a lot of money from her mum and stepdad.

Not that he could tell me how to divide up my money as it's not up to him what goes in my will, but he actively wanted to make sure that she doesn't end up with a disproportionately higher amount than his three children with me.

This is based on facts and figures and is not at all unreasonable.

I ask you this though, if my parents died and passed down a lot of money to me, why shouldn't it go to 'my' children? Not that that's what I would neccesssarily do (my parents are both alive and so anything i might inherit has not formed part of our discussions) but if I did - so what. My DSD has large family on her own side from whom she will inherit so why is it 'fair' that she should inherit assets from a family she has little to do with?

DamnBamboo · 21/02/2014 11:59

OP YANBU to be upset, but your FIL is NBU either.
Well not your DH anyway.

What on earth is going on with his other two biological kids? Now that's unfair.

DamnBamboo · 21/02/2014 12:07

But, I fail to see why this money is just the FIL's? In a marriage, surely if one inherits, then they choose to share with their spouse. I could never envisage inheriting money and keeping it all to myself

My husband had already inherited from his parents when we met. It's his money in his name, I don't consider him keeping it from me - why on earth should it be mine?