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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be nervous to the point of cancelling the mum and baby club I'm going to next week?

16 replies

everythinghippie29 · 20/02/2014 17:56

I'm an awkward, fairly shy, hippy nerd.

I'm also a first time mum. I've been sent a generic invite to a mum and baby class and everyone (DP, Mil etc) have all been really enthusiastic about me going and 'meeting new people'

I have few friends locally and would love to meet people but I've read so much on MN and in general about cliques and other group politics.

I was bullied when younger and do find it hard to connect with people. I always struggle to think of none stupid things to say and end up fumbling for awkward conversation and getting weird looks. I am already feeling anxious as hell and want to call up and cancel as I just feel I will be more down and feel bad about myself.

AIBU to tell a small fib and say I went and didn't enjoy it etc to everyone without actually going and feeling like an idiotic, dork (my general feeling around other people).

OP posts:

CrohnicallyFarting · 20/02/2014 18:01

I'm exactly the same, I was bullied as a child and now I hate meeting new people and can't make small talk to save my life.

Having said that, I went to a lot of mother and baby groups when I was on maternity leave, as I was going mad being cooped up in the house and DD loves going to them.

Please go, the worst that can happen is you spend the time sat playing with your baby, not talking to anyone else, and then you can strike that group off your list and try another one. Remember if it doesn't go we'll then it's a reflection on them, not on you. You will (eventually) find a group that you fit into, if I can find one then anyone can!

ICanTotallyDance · 20/02/2014 18:02

Don't count yourself out yet! Even if you go and don't enjoy the group, you might meet one or two other nice other mums to meet up with later.

It can be hard to go to pluck up the courage to go, but I feel like you should try to go to one. And don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, go in with the mindset that you might like it.

Also, you and your DP could try to find a parenting group that you could go to together, if that would help?

Have you seen anyone about your anxiety? It seems like it could be causing you real problems in life. If you haven't already, I would recommend a chat with your GP.

Anyway, good luck, and I do hope you decide to go to the class.

CrohnicallyFarting · 20/02/2014 18:02

Oh, and I always found conversation easier at baby groups because you talk about the one thing you have in common- your babies. How old are they? Do they have any teeth/teething symptoms (and then sympathise!) and so on.

gordyslovesheep · 20/02/2014 18:03

please don't be put off - I made some utterly fab mates through NCT and Sure Start classes - some are still going 12 years later

I have a great gang of mum mates - they make life bearable!

I have never encountered cliques or bitchyness xxx

MrsBungle · 20/02/2014 18:04

Honestly just go and see if you like it. Baby groups were a lifeline for me and I went to loads! I came across no cliques or competitive parents at any of them and I made some excellent friends two of which we timed our dc2 to coincide so we could have another year together!

Jess03 · 20/02/2014 18:07

I didn't go to babygroups with dd1 as I'm similarly awkward and always say the wrong thing and I struggled through 2 miserable years with just dd and I. Give it a go, it helps to get out the house even if you don't manage to make friends.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 18:10

OP the worst that can happen is that you dont like it, and then all you have to do is not go again. But at least you'll have given yourself the chance.

halecromp · 20/02/2014 18:10

I suffer from anxiety and am painfully shy, but going to post-natal group following the birth of my first child is one of the best things I ever did. Two of the women I met there have become my best friends, our children have known each other since they were tiny and adore each other, I would definitely say give it a try and see how you get on.

GingerRodgers · 20/02/2014 18:12

I'd definitely go. If you hate it, don't go back. You can even leave early if you really hate it.
If you go and have no idea what to say just ask the person nearest you what age their little one is.
Good luck and I hope you find a group you enjoy! I really hate social situations but I have two groups I can tolerate and they've been lifesavers at times!

MysticMugBug · 20/02/2014 18:18

OP, you sound like the type of person I'd like to meet.
Like you, I've been brutally bullied at school, but I've mostly managed to overcome my social anxiety. I have had help from anti dps though.
I now tell myself that the most important things are to be nice and to be myself. It is far better to do that than to put on a façade and be artificial.
People just have to accept that are different kinds of people in the world (me being one of them!)
I hate the feeling of not fitting in as well, but in the best places, I don't need to feel the same as other people, I just need to be accepted as being me.
Seriously, think about what I've said, x

BlackDaisies · 20/02/2014 18:18

If you're shy these sort of groups are perfect, because like someone else said, you don't have to hunt around for things to talk about, you just talk about your babies/ sleep/ milestones...... and it's fine just to play with your baby for most of the time. Just smile at people, plonk your baby next to some toys and sit down. Sooner or later someone will bring a baby over and say hello. You just say "He/she's got a lovely smile/ eyes/ laugh... How old is she/ he? " Don't be in the least offended if they move to some different toys after a while. Just repeat with the next baby! Sometimes you find you just gel with a mum and conversation is easy. Sometimes it's just a bit of polite chat. Whatever happens it's nice to get out and a bit of company. Good luck!

callamia · 20/02/2014 18:18

Go, but think about your expectations.
You're not necessarily going to meet your new best friend straight away. It took me a few weeks of going to one and saying hello to the same people before i really struck up anything resembling a decent conversation or phone number swap. Don't worry if you don't really speak to anyone much, and don't let it put you off.

You're definitely not going to be the only person there who feels anxious, sleep-deprived or a bit out of things. Perhaps you could make someone else feel happier about being there?

LimitedEditionLady · 20/02/2014 18:18

I had same feelings,id be a nervous wreck and worry and then i would feel guilty for not trying for ds.I did eventually manage to go.It wasnt awful and there were other mums on their own there.I didnt keep going but went a few times and people started to chat me more but I was glad to have achieved actually getting there and seeing what it was like.You might really enjoy it and why not get out of your comfort zone and show yourself you can do it?I have to go to kids parties now and talk to people and its become easier.I dont know if its because the kids are a bit older and interact more together or whether im less nervy but its a lot easier!

Oblomov · 20/02/2014 18:23

Please go. I experienced no nastiness or bitchiness at all. My PN group are lovely.

MiniCracker · 20/02/2014 18:23

My group is really friendly, everyone talks to everyone and really makes an effort with new people.

Having a baby is the greatest conversational aid. How old is s/he? I love her tights. Ask advice off anyone with an older baby about weaning or sleep or teething or something.

Remember if someone is a bit off with you it may be that they have pnd or some terrible thing is happening at home (birth of a baby is prime time for splitting up, domestic abuse etc) so if you hit a set back don't presume they aren't talking to you because you are unlikeable. It might take a few tries but it is really worth it.

BettyBotter · 20/02/2014 18:26

What if there's another nerdy shy hippy new mum at the class who would really like to get to know some people and she plucks up the courage to go and you don't? You'll never know and she'll miss out on meeting you.

What have you got to lose?

(PS Baby groups are the best places to start a conversation because all you have to do is ask about feeding/ sleeping/ nappies to get people talking and then compliment their baby on how advanced/ beautiful he/she is to find favour!)

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