To want to end it all?

[runnermum1974]

Ever since my DD was born 5 years ago, I have been very ill - mentally. It started with post natal depression, then some extremely stressful things happened and I had a breakdown and have been under mental health services ever since.

My relationship with DD's dad broke down and she lives with him. When I lost that relationship and my child, I attempted suicide but did some serious damage to myself - that was 3 years ago. I even lost my job and can't get back into work.

I wish mental health services had never entered my life - they have made it worse, not better.

Becoming disabled and mentally ill has taught me how unkind people are to vulnerable people. I hate my situation.

I have lost everything. Every time I try to make things better (i.e. applying for jobs etc) I get knocked down again.

AIBU? What would you do in my position?

I really don't know but didn't want to ignore your post.

YANBU to feel like you've had all you can handle.

Do you have any geographically close friends and family you can turn to right now to keep you safe? Could you phone somebody (even if it's a professional organisation?)

Failing any of that could you go out to a public place (café, library) so that you are relatively safe while you process what you are thinking.

Or just keep talking on here.

I agree keep talking on here, we'll listen to you. You're not alone.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrifically difficult time, runner. Ironically, you sound as if you have had to be very strong to deal with losing so much.

Of course you aren't in the least unreasonable to think of suicide in your worst moments. I've certainly taken comfort from the possibility in the past. However, you've survived so much, and write so coherently about your losses, that you sound as if some core of strength and stubbornness and a will to live, despite everything, is still driving you. What do you hope for? Do you have contact with your daughter, or is there that possibility in the future? Are there other things you feel are worth continuing to fight for?

I've been suicidal in the past, but when I had my son (now almost 2), I was determined that suicide stop being an option for me. I wouldn't dream of judging the different decisions of someone in despair, having said that. You sound as if you feel terribly trapped, and as if you no longer trust the mental health professionals you deal with. Are there any changes you can make there? Do you see a counsellor/psychologist/psychiatrist? Different dosage or medication?

I've no advice to offer, only best wishes.

Honestly? I would keep fighting, keep going, stay strong. When your daughter is of an age when she will question who you are and want to meet with you, then won't it be better to say 'yes I was suffering, I was low etc, but I fought to try to stay in your life'

I know it's difficult right now, but with the right help and support, you can make things better for yourself. Have you tried approaching your GP for some support from other service, mentors or councilors?

If you're looking for a job, maybe you could volunteer in the mean time, for a charity shop or similar, just to build up your confidence and gather a network of people who can vouch for your hard work and motivation. I often found that when I worked in a charity shop, there were people from all walks of life and everyone made each other feel accepted and valuable and it's a great confidence boost, especially if you can muster up the courage to work on a shop floor and speak to customers occasionally.

Just PLEASE don't give up. As someone who lost a parent when young, I can honestly say that no matter what, you DD loves you and when your she grows up, she WILL want to know you and I promise that nothing will let her down more than knowing you let all this defeat you. I hope someone will come along with better advice, but please, in the mean time, keep going and keep seeking help and support x

Thanks. I noticed there was, ironically, another thread about suicide. I don't know if I am being selfish - everyone keeps saying my daughter needs me, even if she doesn't see me much, the fact I am around helps her.

I'm listening too! You are not alone. I wish I could make stuff better for you. When you are rock bottom, the only way is up, I hope that might be an encouraging way to see things.

My daughter does need me. Even if all I am doing is staying alive and doing nothing work-wise, I am here for her and she won't have issues about her mother committing suicide.

You poor thing. I've been there.

Can I suggest this might be better off in MH as AIBU can get pretty robust, especially if you are feeling so bad.

I'm both disabled (have a rare neurological illness that causes numbness, mobility and balance problems and fatigue) and have ongoing mh problems - I'll always be under a psych care.

You can't think straight when you are feeling like this. But I'd say (from a position of having been in intensive care after a suicide attempt) that that is precisely why you need someone to talk to. You can't make a decision about the future when you are so unwell - and you are unwell.

Do you have a friend/family member to talk to - I know you don't like the mh services but you do need support - is there a decent CPN on your team?

In the meantime, keep talking here, or feel free to pm. Tell us about your daughter?

YANBU to feel the way you do at the moment.

But..I would cling on to the REAL possibility that things can get better in your life and although you feel very bad right now, things do change and you will feel differently. Nothing stays the same forever.

Right now I think it would be a good idea to go out for a walk, or to the shops or to a cafe for a coffee to help clear your head (as manic has suggested).

You ask what would MNetters do in your position - in the longer term, could any of the mental health charities point you in the direction of some voluntary work? I think voluntary work in the absence of paid employment could be really helpful to you - it could set some structure to your day, give you some routine and an opportunity to relate to people on a day to day basis and possibly make friends. This is what I would do.

Feelings can and do change. Your life can get better, it really can. Anything is possible.

I do agree though that there is a stigma to people with mental health problems, try this website
blackdogtribe.com/

It is online support for people with depression and other mental health problems, so there may be people who understand what you are going through.

let us know what you think x

runnermum I posted on the other thread but just wanted to hold your hand here too.

Please seek help if you can. Samaritans ( 08457 90 90 90 ) for someone immediate to talk to; the psychiatric team at A&E; maybe asking if there is anyone else on your CMHT you can talk to if you don't have a good rapport with your current CPN/care coordinator.

Here is an idea for longer-term. I know everyone responds differently so this may not work for you, but my mentally-disabled DH has found it useful. Would you consider volunteering at an animal rescue / charity? Not only would it be a step towards filling a gap on your CV, but animals don't judge. If you feel up to it physically, a day or even a few hours a week spent scrubbing out kennels or similar is just the sort of mindless physical exercise that tires you out, helps you sleep and also gives you the knowledge that you've helped something even more vulnerable than you have a better life.

I think volunteering is a good idea. I will look into it!

runnermum1974

Your daughter does need you, no matter what has passed she will of course always love you and as she gets older I'm sure will choose to see you more than she is currently allowed.

MH services do not always get it right, it can be luck of the draw, but if you aren't happy with the care/support you are receiving do explain to a GP or other person you are in contact with that you do not feel it is being helpful.
For example anti-depressants made me feel numb which made me feel worse, I didn't feel so down but I also didn't laugh at things that had always made me laugh etc. I know someone else who had the same experience, docs just upping the dosage when really they just weren't for us.

Don't take it personally you aren't finding jobs. It's a terrible time - between 2010-12 with a solid work history and degree in English I was turned down (when I actually got a response) for almost 3000 jobs!!!
It's not you, it is not personal, just keep going until you get the 'break' it will happen, I can't tell you how hopeless I felt, I always found it so patronising when anyone said "It'll get better, just keep trying", but, annoyingly, they were right.
I also found it helped (myself and in getting a job) by volunteering.
Could you do dog walking? The Cinnamon trust are a charity who organises dog walking for those too elderly/ill to walk their dogs - half an hour each week with a licky, grateful dog and getting some fresh air really helped me.

Also remember, there doesn't have to 'be a reason'. Some of the most successful, seemingly happy people suffer with depression, it's not a choice, you are not a bad person or 'sad-case' as you said in your other post for feeling this way.

First, you have an illness. It's not a fault or a weakness in you, and it's something that you can recover from. You'll have good days and bad days; when things are bad you'll have more bad than good, but gradually the good days will get more frequent until you have almost forgotten the bad. Your doing the right things to be constructive - have a timetable of things you have to do, like seeing your dd, voluntary work, getting out for a walk or run, or even shopping or gardening. Write them down, tick them off and do not let them slide. People expect and want to see you. It's a matter of hanging on until the dark days are fewer, and you need a framework to help you push through the tunnel.

Just to pick up on Braganza's point, it can definitely be a good idea to have some sort of framework and routine, but feeling you have to adhere to it rigidly can be counter-productive if you will beat yourself up as a "failure" if you can't achieve everything on your list - and there will be days you simply can't, because as Braganza rightly points out you are ill, and recovery from illness is rarely a linear progression. The trick is to identify the days when you are capable of pushing yourself a little further and ticking off more things on the list, and to spot early the days when that isn't possible and you should give yourself a pat on the back for simply being capable of pouring some cereal in a bowl or having a shower.

Sorry, posted too soon and meant to add: people may be 'expecting' and 'wanting' to see you, which is great, but their expectation/wish does not automatically trump your right to make progress at your own pace. No-one would criticise someone suffering from cancer or MS if they didn't feel up to visiting a friend or relative on a particular day, and mental illness can be just as much of a disability.

I have a mantra I repeat regularly to my husband: "push on when you can, cling on when you must".

Hi runnermum1974, I'm so sorry you feel so low but so pleased you are receiving support here. I've pmd you some other thoughts, hope you don't mind.

Thanks everyone. My CPN has put me in a safe house for a few days just to clear my head.

runnermum1974
I'm so glad you've decided to take a step back. I do hope you're feeling a bit better about things soon.