to really not be coping tonight

[JustNotCoping123]

just that really, I'm on my own tonight, been feeling very low all day, just getting worse and worse. I made myself sick earlier (aside from yesterday is the first time in a while, I'm trying to recover from bulimia and it's really hard to win against my head) otherwise I haven't eaten for the past few days. I lost a lot of weight at the time it was at it's worst, but have put some back on recently. saw a friend over the weekend who commented on it 'wow you look so much better, much healthier.' all I hear is healthy=fat. and I know my friend meant it in a positive way it's just the way my head turns it around. I'm just so tired of everything, I have so much that needs to be done and instead I'm just sitting here crying. for no reason, it's pathetic. I've got a long history of MH stuff (bpd, depression, self harm, suicide attempts and ideation)

I just don't know how to get out of this.

I don't know either but maybe me, you and other posters collectively might come up with some ideas

You mention you are on your own tonight, who is normally with you and will they be back to support you soon?

I suffer from depression and I know its diff for everyone but sometimes it just seems so.... overwhelming!

You say you have lots to do - write a list here if you can and see if we can help prioritise/organise with you. What's all the stuff you need to get done and by when

Is there anyone you can call? Even if you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing how you're feeling, just chatting about silly stuff with someone may help.

You have to know that it's really not pathetic. There are so many people who go through periods of feeling like this. You're not alone and it's not your fault. In my experience, there isn't usually one big thing which will help - more a series of small things. The hard thing is getting motivated to do them. I find exercise, forcing myself to be sociable and getting off the internet/phone all helpful. What has worked for you in the past?

Remember that this phase will pass eventually, even if it seems like it never will. Do you have/need meds?

Yes today has been hard. You say you are trying to recover, and you have not made your self sick for a while. Don't dwell on this glitch, remember that you have made progress. Today was a bump in the road. Hope you feel better soon. Call someone close if you can.

When I feel like this, I call/text people, watch fluffy romance films (not weepy ones, things like the newest Northanger Abbey) and I make myself a large but healthy dinner, this is going to be gross for non-bulimic people (and some bulimics) but I make things that aren't easy to throw up - so no pasta, noodles, crisps etc.
I also read fluffy regency romances - basically I distract myself.
Remember, your friend did NOT mean fat. she meant you weren' looking grey/malnourished/unhappy.
If anything, this may seem trivial, but as money is tight at the moment I think of all the money I'm wasting just throwing food back up...
You'll be feeling ever more crappy because your blood sugar is down, too.
Remember it's ok to feel bad, don't beat yourself up for feeling depressed, you are not pathetic.

Yes today has been hard. You say you are trying to recover, and you have not made your self sick for a while. Don't dwell on this glitch, remember that you have made progress. Today was a bump in the road. Hope you feel better soon. Call someone close if you can.

Also, don't focus on the fact you've made yourself sick. You are still recovering and the point is that, as you said, this is the first time in a while. Focus on how well you've done. It takes a lot of strength and it's no wonder you feel drained and down.

I take it usually someone's in the house? On the rare days my DP is out I always seem to get these feelings returning too. Not that I tell him as I'm worried he'd never let himself go anywhere :/

it's me who's not at home, normally I'm with my DP and his DD, though he's not answering his phone at the moment. I housesit for people sometimes and they're not back till the weekend. my friend can't talk either, though I don't really want to speak to her as I know she'll beat herself up for commenting, she had no idea it would upset me.

I don't feel I could eat even a healthy meal, it would make me feel far too guilty.

I just want the thoughts in my head to stop

Don't know the answers but just wanted to say that I hope you are ok and you get through the rough patch, if you been through it before, try and remember how you got through and that it will pass, ride the storm and you will get there, keep strong, I always think that if you admit and are aware of the problem then your half way there! You will get through.

As a pp mentioned your blood sugar will be low which in turn will affect you.

Could you manage some soup or something similar, just for tonight?

Are you getting professional support with your bulimia or coping on your own with it?

I know what you mean about healthy = fat. I've never had a serious eating disorder but used to maintain a slightly too low weight. I feel a bit funny if someone says I look 'well' and wonder whether they mean 'a bit chubby'.

I sometimes pretend that instead of feeding myself I'm looking after someone else. If I had a guest staying, I wouldn't starve them or not let them have enough to eat, so why would I do it to myself?

I haven't managed to eat anything LexiLouise, feeling empty always feels better than feeling full, that's the bit I find difficult to break.

no professional support- I had an appointment with eating disorder team last summer, got told yes they agreed I had an issue, and that they would be able to offer some sort of support etc within 3 months. Like with a lot of mental health services stuff it just hasn't happened. they sent a letter out a few weeks ago to see if I still wanted to remain on the waiting list. I know I'm not a priority because I'm not dangerously thin, although I don't see myself as ever being thin so maybe I'm not the best judge of that.

I've had a chat with my DP, feel slightly better but just v run down and tired. lots of negative thoughts in my head.

You sound tired. Try to relax, take a bath, listen to some upbeat music, some that reminds you of happier times so you know that they are there and can be had again.

When I tell someone they look well I genuinely mean they have colour in their face, absolutely nothing to do with weight. In this country with lack if sunshine it's easy to look and feel washed out especially if you've been stuck indoors.