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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About who sleeps where?

24 replies

redorwhite · 18/02/2014 08:42

We are currently at my parents house for half term.

They have a 3 bed house. Their room, my old room with a double bed and another with twin beds. My dad has some disabilities and does not sleep well and therefore disturbs my mum. She normally sleeps in "my" room as she can't cope with the nights.

Whilst we have been here she has slept in the twin room with DC in bed with the 5 year old. One bedtime everyone was disturbed and DC1 ended up in with DH and I was in the spare twin bed. She slept on the sofa then as she really cannot cope with my dad.

Last night DH said he is not v happy with this and thinks she should not be in with the DC. It kept him awake last night thinking about it.

On the other hand it doesn't bother me at all. DC are happy -in fact DC2 is delighted to be with nanna and complained when I was there in the other bed.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Binkyridesagain · 18/02/2014 08:45

What does he think will happen?

I can't see anything wrong with nanna sleeping with the DCs

Martorana · 18/02/2014 08:45

What are his reasons?

parakeet · 18/02/2014 08:47

It all depends on why he says she "should not be in with the DC".

As I'm not a fan of cosleeping, to me it's not ideal but I could live with it for a week.

sonlypuppyfat · 18/02/2014 08:48

What does he think will happen? Seems very odd.

AGoodPirate · 18/02/2014 08:52

It's only a week, and when people lack vast numbers of guest rooms, visitors often have to sleep in less than ideal places!

Original poster

redorwhite · 18/02/2014 08:54

I think he thinks they are getting too old? He didn't really articulate it. He doesn't mind co-sleeping (hence sleeping with DS1). I said they would say when they didn't want to sleep with nanna anymore.

Thinking about I wonder if he thinks it should be one of us in there and is a bit jealous? They are v v close to nanna (and MIL).

I slept in my grandparents bed when staying with them on occasion but he didn't really have that kind of relationship with his. I think therefore I am more relaxed about leaving with my mum (and his etc) than he is.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 18/02/2014 08:55

It was always a treat for my mum and my dcs to sleep together when the dcd were little.

divisionbyzero · 18/02/2014 09:32

YANBU, but nor is he.

I think you will find most fathers hostile to the idea of their DC's room being a sleeping place for other adults and it's difficult to express this nicely when it's people you respect (the reality is whether it's people you respect or not is kind of irrelevant).

It is not a damning indictment of the adult or an implication of any sort (although men will talk it up to sound like one if you hand them the rope) - but an instinct that need not be articulated in detail.

Gentle persuasion could be tried for this harmless treat, and failing that just finding another arrangement where everybody sleeps well (it is after all a good rule to have them sleeping in peace). :)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 09:38

When we visit MIL my eldest always sleeps with her.

It doesn't seem weird to me.

Martorana · 18/02/2014 10:23

"It is not a damning indictment of the adult or an implication of any sort (although men will talk it up to sound like one if you hand them the rope) - but an instinct that need not be articulated in detail. "

If he expects it to be acted on to change a situation everyone else is happy with then it sure as hell needs to be articulated in detail. Unless you are subscribing to the model of father as cave man laying down rules for his family and enforcing them with his club......l

divisionbyzero · 18/02/2014 12:00

@Martorana - Dad does not want children's room to be a doss-house for adults as part of his natural loving wish for them to be comfortable and safe, and doesn't feel quite right if there is any upheaval, it is not exactly nuanced and multi-layered.

Must all such simple and obvious paternal/maternal instincts must be articulated in detail or ignored? I think this implies a level of bickering about minutiae, and needless rejection of intuitive parenting preferences that would slow daily life to a stand-still and generally breed disorder.

I guess we live in an age where the basics must be over-thought and deconstructed, when in fact people's instincts are quite uncomplicated (and quite often sound, to be fair).

SauvignonBlanche · 18/02/2014 12:03

Why doesn't your DH sleep on the floor/sofa then?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/02/2014 12:07

I didn't have that sort of relationship with my Grandparents (or much a relationship at all come to that!) and feel uncomfortable with my DC sharing a bed with my Inlaws now - but I accept this is because its out of my comfort zone due to my own experiences rather than any real reason of importance - so I cringe inwardly and keep my mouth shut. I will be guided by my dc on this - if they are happy then so be it. But I do understand your DHs feelings, even if I cant properly explain them!

tiredbutstillsmiling · 18/02/2014 12:09

Don't see the problem. I loved sleeping with my nan when I was little - it was such a treat when I would stay in the holidays. I did have my own room but I often wanted to sleep with my nan and my grandad would sleep in "my" bed. My nan was a Size 22 with double G breasts - she was way warm and cuddlier than my mum!

Miss my nan!

Martorana · 18/02/2014 12:11

Division. So a situation which everyone else in the family- including the children is actively happy with! and looks forward to, and which looks as if contributes to a happy loving relationship has to be stopped because the children's father has an "intuitive parenting preference" about the sleeping arrangements at someone else's house for a couple of days?

velvetspoon · 18/02/2014 12:11

I think either your DH sleeps on the sofa so your mum can have the double and you and the DC have the twin beds.

Or he shuts up about it.

Your mum should not have to give up a bed. If he doesn't like the sleeping arrangements, he should be prepared to put up with a bit of discomfort to change them...

WorrySighWorrySigh · 18/02/2014 12:17

I do agree with divisionbyzero. I cant put my finger on why this always made me uncomfortable when my DCs were small but it did. I felt equally uncomfortable whether it was DM or DPiL. Actually I felt more uncomfortable about DM as I felt she engineered this where with DPiL it was necessity only.

Katnisscupcake · 18/02/2014 12:20

I don't see a problem either, but maybe your DH's personal situation was different and he's not comfortable with it, as others have said.

I didn't sleep with my Grandparents, but my favorite time of the day for me when I spent the holidays with them, was to crawl into Nan's bed first thing in the morning after Grandad had got up for work. He would bring us all (Nan, DSIS and I) in a cup of tea in a proper china cup and saucer and we all had to sit still and not rock the bed while we drank it.

Then we'd all lie down in the bed, roll up onto our shoulders and do bicycles in the air with our legs!!!

I miss them soooo much. My Nan died 22 years ago and I still dream about her most nights.

GilmoursPillow · 18/02/2014 12:22

We live overseas. When the DC and I go to stay with my Mum I sleep in my old room with DS (which is my stepdad's room; he and my Mum sleep apart due to his snoring )
My stepdad decamps to the tiny spare room and my soon-to-be 15 year old DD still likes to sleep with Nanny. Nanny's not so keen LOL!

divisionbyzero · 18/02/2014 12:36

@Martorana - not at all. I am offering insight a reasonable person could use to understand, and therefore bring about some kind of satisfactory agreement in a reasonable way.

People are, as ever, free to be totalitarian about things if they prefer a war to a resolution.

I felt the suggestion that the dad give up his bed for the mum was ok, although if it was my mum I might feel a bit naughty making someone else give up their bed for her and stay warm and comfortable in mine. :)

Martorana · 18/02/2014 12:50

Why is it being totalitarian to say that an arrangement that everyone else is happy with has to be changed because one person doesn't like it for reasons he can't even articulate?

RedFocus · 18/02/2014 13:06

I really can't be arsed with sharing and everyone fannying about trying to find somewhere to sleep so I would have booked a hotel for us instead!

flamby · 18/02/2014 16:36

Division - did you notice they are staying in the grandparents' house? The children's room isn't being used as a doss house by adults and the one who is being moved around to accommodate everyone is the grandmother.

If it is a twin room, could the DC share one bed with the GM in the other twin? It seems a shame for your mum to be on the sofa in her own home, especially given that she is caring for your dad and has a houseful of guests to look after too. I would be annoyed if a guest suggested I do it!

I used to share my room (in separate beds - my GM had the bed and I slept on the floor) every Christmas with my GM until I was a teenager. We were very close and I thought it was great. I think the rest of my cousins were actually pretty jealous as everyone wanted more GM time.

It is hard for me to understand where your DH is coming from but since he is the one who has an issue, I'd say it is up to him to suggest a resolution that doesn't involve your mum sleeping on the sofa.

Martorana · 18/02/2014 17:03

"It is hard for me to understand where your DH is coming from but since he is the one who has an issue, I'd say it is up to him to suggest a resolution that doesn't involve your mum sleeping on the sofa."

And a resolution which does not leave anyone feeing that they are not to be trusted. Or anyone else feeing that they have been deprived of a happy part of their childhood.

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