To think that, generally speaking, it is those that are in love with themselves and make little effort for others that everyone wants to be friends with?

[Beigecurtains]

I have found this several times over the years, that those that are aloof, in love with themselves, and make no effort for others, that have people absolutely falling over themselves to be friends with them and to do things with/for them?

I currently know a woman like this.

She is from my NCT group. She is very full of herself, and thinks that her opinion is always right. I'd say her general attitude is 'I'm the best and you're scum'. We all still meet regularly and meet ups usually revolve around her, and everyone listening to what she has to say. There is an awful lot of fawning that goes on, with everyone always telling her how marvellous she is, how great her house is, how beautiful she is, what a great car she has. She posts selfie after selfie on Facebook, and frequently ignores comments from others and only likes or replies to certain ones. She is quite abrupt with how she speaks to people, and is actually quite nasty at times, but seems to have such a high opinion of herself that this is overlooked. She also cannot just do anything normally like everyone else seems to do. Everything has to be better/worse for her.

I have never, ever known her to ask how anybody else is, to ask anyone about themselves or for their opinion, or to actually 'give' anything to a friendship or conversation at all. Yet she is insanely popular. I don't understand how people like her actually manage to hold onto friends? I guarantee that if I just started speaking about myself all the time, ignoring things that people said to me, and acting in an aloof way that I would pretty quickly find myself with no friends and no social life.

How do people get away with behaving in this way?

TheRaniofYawn, those types of people tend to me popular in a 'doormat' kind of way IME. Everyone likes them but only because they do things for them.

Oh no, I don't agree. People like that are lovely, and their loveliness is appreciated.

I think many of us know people like this. One tends to feel "less than" in their company. So frustrating. It's fascinating to watch them in action though.

But if you dislike this person, can i ask why on earth you spend time with her? You've had your babies which would have been the reason to be iin her orbit. Do you still need to associate with her?

And the others are right. In my circles it's the kind, empathetic ladies that are the real draw.

Threads like these make feel very grateful for my circle of friends where relationships seem to be based on actual liking and mutual esteem rather than pecking order.

The descriptions I read about on here of school gate politics and status rivalry seem utterly alien.

Is that really how most people live?

motherinferior, I totally agree it's appreciated by some, but the general 'popular-ness' is often down to people wanting them to do things/favours. Lots of people are users and will flock around people like that.

Thing is, you can have two mindsets yourself about it. You can go into situations, like the (in) famous school gate, thinking it's going to be full of backstabbing self-centred Mean Girls. Or you can decide that most people are going to be pretty nice, really.

Lots of people aren't users.

Ok, maybe I used the wrong word, but lets just say a lot of people are out for themselves, totally self absorbed and out for what they can get from others. People generally don't like it when things don't go their own way and when things aren't tailored to suit them all the time.

But lots of people aren't. If you approach life and other women with the assumption that they'll probably be horrible, well, that is a bit self-defeating IMO. Chill. Plenty of people are delightful.

I tend to take a very simplistic view of life.

If everyone was exactly the same in life, it would be incredibly boring. Agreed, the people with the personality type you mention in your OP beige may not be our cuppa tea (she sounds like a complete PITA), but some people do feel they have to suck up to them and, sadly, need their approval for some unknown reason

Best thing is give people like that a wide berth, and dont get trapped into having to deal with them. Best survival technique I ever knew!

OP, this sounds like a silly, juvenile group of people, and I can't honestly imagine spending a single hour in the company of people whose idea of conversation is praising someone's car or house - even if they took turns on whose car or house or selfie is up for praise. Shouldn't you just find some more interesting people, rather than analysing what sounds like a hellishly dull dynamic? Yes, this woman sounds like a terrible bore, but so do the other people who've taken on the job of being her acolytes. Perhaps their self-esteem is so low they find her cast-iron self-love refreshing?

The worst thing my mother can think of to say about anyone is that they're a bit 'full of themselves' - for her, it's the absolute worst thing you can be, and she's very suspicious of confident women who don't continually deal in self-deprecation. (I suspect there are different rules for men.) She likes to be around people who are down on their luck or troubled, because(I think - she would never admit it) it makes her feel comparatively powerful and needed.

I frequently point out to her that my reasons for disliking someone vary and may have nothing to do with my perception of their self-esteem, that I often find confidence and opinionatedness attractive, and that it's perfectly possible that other people may think I'm' full of myself' because I don't engage in cries of 'silly old me with my awful job/haircut/obstreperous toddler/failed diet, you're so clever/stylish/a brilliant mother etc etc'.

I think you need some new friends OP! I don't recognise your general description of people in your last post. The vast majority of people I know are quite caring of others and their feelings, even the ones who may come across as "it's all about me" on first impressions.

OP - I think people who behave that way only have a certain type around them when it comes to people. For as many that fawn around her, there are probably double that amount who wouldn't give her the time of day or be a captive audience for her. She'd sidestep them, theyd sidestep her.

& Pigeonhouse is spot on re. friendship dynamics

Thinking about it, it does seem to be mainly people that seem to have low self esteem and are quite sheep-like that suck up to the woman that I know.

I think they all want to be 'amazing by association'

yes I know exactly what you mean.

some people like the sound of their own voice and never ask anyone about themselves and are so opinionated. you think what do people see in them

I know a few people like you describe op

Funny thing is they rarely have lasting friendships and fall out with people on a regular basis

Thus makes me think they are either selfish users out for what they can get or gave serious personAlity disorders or are lacking in self confidence so massively over compensate.