to empathise with bridezillas?

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I'm normally not an attention seeker, always put others first and never really have any expectations about being treated myself, but this week I've become a Birthday-zilla.

I've never had a birthday cake that I haven't had to make for myself (my ex didn't really 'do' celebrating). This year is a BIG number and my lovely DP organised a special cake for me, it started off as a surprise but he dropped a few hints and then asked what my favourite type of cake in the world would be.

On the big day he told me that he'd disregarded my favourite in favour of something that everyone else would probably prefer. When I looked a bit disgruntled he got really annoyed and said I was being ungrateful.

I know I was and I apologised, but it made me realise how easy it is to get swept up in the me-me-me of it all and expect for just one day in your life to have everything the way you want it and not to have to compromise to make everyone else happy!

newsflash - it is only one day. And life isn't perfect.

may this be the worst thing that ever happens to you - the wrong flavour of cake.

But your birthday is just that your birthday. A marriage involves someone else (your spouse) so it isnt exclusively your day their thoughts and wishes need to be accommodated.

I grind my teeth when I hear women bleat on about 'this is my special day or my wedding. '

I couldn't have any of my Wedding Cake because it was a fruit filling which I hate!! I really, really wanted a sponge wedding cake but apparently in Wedding Day Etiquette cakes should be fruit All the guests loved it and I can't say I particularly care that I didn't have any. It's just cake.

Why did he ask what your favourite was if he wasn't going to go through with getting that sort for you? Had he just provided you with a lovely cake, you'd probably have been perfectly happy.

It's not in essence a big deal, but I can see why you would be pissed off.

If asked, I wouldn't say my wedding day was the best day of my life, the best day was when I gave birth to my 3 dc's.

Bridezilla implies that the bride has turned into a monster,has lost all perspective, lost the plot and become totally self obsessed to the detriment of everything and everyone else for one day..

Madness.

Oh no Special, I've had plenty of worse things happen already and I'm sure there will be many more.

I think it's just the feeling that you spend all your time and effort putting other people first and then when it's your turn other people still come first!

Compo, I know what you mean about sharing decisions with a spouse. We had a joke about it last night when he said which cake he'd prefer as a wedding cake and I told him he'd have to marry someone else!

Writer just cake?! I don't understand

That's what I said Tri, I'd been salivating at the thought of the other one!

Well in the grand scheme of my Wedding Day the cake was probably one of the least important components - I just raided the sweet cart instead which was much more fun and much tastier

My favourite cake is a chocolate truffle, I would be very disappointed if DH had asked what is my favourite cake then went with a fruit cake ( I hate fruit cake)

I don't think you're being totally unreasonable. What is the point of asking you what type of cake you want and then disregarding it. I'd also be pissed off at being accused of being ungrateful as when it came down to it he didn't do a cake for you he did one for everyone else. Why should you be grateful for a cake that was made with everyone else in mind?

What is your favourite cake?

If it's coffee or something that a lot of people aren't keen on and it's being served to a lot of people, then you need to stop being a brat and be a good host.

If you wanted chocolate and he swapped it for plain, then you are entitled to be a little disappointed, but you certainly shouldn't be coming across as ungrateful.

My favourite is carrot - the person making the cake is legendary for their amazing carrot cake, but in fairness all their cakes are amazing and the chocolate one that DP requested was really rich and delicious.

Although chocolate wouldn't be my first choice (I would choose in this order - carrot, coffee, lemon, chocolate) I would have been really appreciative of any cake made especially for me.

It was just that momentary disappointment when I realised that despite asking me, he'd made a decision to make everyone else happy, mainly the kids (they have their own blimmin birthday cakes! Grrr).

Once I saw it, it was completely beautiful and the design was really personal, so I was really pleased with it and very grateful to both DP & his cake-maker friend.

I think I was more annoyed because I'd also suggested that carrot makes an ideal gluten free cake and that I'd be happy to have a GF version so that DP could eat some of it. I also made a GF dessert for everyone so that DP could enjoy it without feeling that he was being singled out for being different.

I suppose in my mind it ended up being about me putting his needs and wishes above everyone else's and him doing the opposite for me.

But I agree that I shouldn't have shown my disappointment. I did apologise.

I don't know why he got your hopes up by asking what your favourite flavour would be and disregarded it then had a go at you for looking a little bit disappointed, you were bound to when he changed things! Was this more about him than you?

No absolutely not, he couldn't even eat any!

I know if he could then he'd have chosen chocolate as he's a complete chocaholic, so I think it was just that he went along the lines of "everybody loves chocolate".

He says he asked me after he'd ordered the cake but I remember him asking me a few weeks before that too, which is when I mentioned the GF option. He did then ask me more recently, by which time he'd apparently already placed the order and it was difficult to change it as the ingredients had already been bought.

Not wishing to drip-feed, but it turned out there was a layer of carrot in there too, which I have demolished so in the end I did get my favourite (& everyone else happily ate it too) but by that point I'd already done the damage by being a spoilt little princess!

I don't think it counts as being a spoilt little princess to be disappointed that someone who asked you what you wanted then decided that what you wanted wasn't important.

If he'd got you a surprise birthday cake and picked chocolate (which would be a pretty crap decision if it's your 4th favourite flavour of cake) then it would have been ungrateful to complain.

But it was pretty mean to ask you what you wanted and then get you something else.

That's nothing like being a bridezilla.

"If asked, I wouldn't say my wedding day was the best day of my life, the best day was when I gave birth to my 3 dc's."

Did you have triplets?

YANBU. To ask you what your favourite is then decide what everyone else might like is more important and then have the gall to tell you you're being ungrateful - that's outrageous! He's just trying to make you feel bad so he doesn't have to own up to doing the wrong thing.

Stop apologising. I think you need to be MORE bridezillaish. Refuse to have any of your cake because you don't like that flavour, burst into tears, throw it on the floor, send him to coventry.

My wedding day was so much more fun than being in labour.

As much as a I love being off my head on opiates, getting drunk on champagne is preferable.

LadyGarden, that sounds like a very measured response to the situation, thanks

unfortunately its a bit late as I have already eaten half of it