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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit pissed off with DH....am I in the wrong?

53 replies

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/02/2014 09:22

I suspect I might be but I thought I'd gather some opinions.

DH is off work this week because it's half term and he is a teacher. He is looking after DS (5) who is also off from school.

DD is 3.5 and goes to nursery 4 days a week. I suggested to DH that she has 1 or 2 days off nursery this week and spend time with DH and DS instead as although it's all paid for, she'd rather be at home than go to nursery.

DH says I'm trying to control what he does on his holidays and he'd like to spend some one to one time with DS, and that DD gets 1 day a week off with me anyway, so DS should get some time alone too. Fair enough, I understand that, but surely 2 or 3 days of just DH and DS is enough for that? DH said he "might" take DD out of nursery for one day, won't commit though, saying I'm trying to control him and telling him what to do with his holidays (like my holidays are spend doing what I like...).

It's not a long day for DD, from 9-2.30, but it's more that she is not silly and she is now big enough to realise that DH is not going to work and DS is not going to school and this morning cried saying she wanted to stay at home with daddy. Really felt sad for her. Managed to convince her that daddy and DS as got lots of jobs to do and that I will take her somewhere special after nursery today. I can't do this for another 3 days. I do the school run and nursery run drop offs and pick ups, school plays, meetings, inset days etc all on my own and I'm also a bit pissed off that I still have to do it while DH is at home (DD's nursery is at my workplace). But I do it because it is better for DS to relax at home without having to rush out to drop off DD.

I think DH is taking her off nursery on Thursday, but it pisses me off that he won't commit to it and if I broach the subject he accuses me off trying to control him.

so...who's being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 17/02/2014 09:53

Yabu

Also your dd is crying because you're framing nursery as second best. It should be all smiles & yay nursery yay see our friends yay fun activities. She's picking up on your negativity.

Original poster

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/02/2014 09:59

Yep looking after a 5yr old alone is soooo much easier and I completely understand why he would jump at the chance! You can pretty much do whatever you want with a 5yr old in tow, it's a joy spending alone time with DS.....I'm jealous of DH now

OP posts:

oranges · 17/02/2014 10:00

I think its really important for the older child sometimes to get activisites suited to their age. Or otherwise family time is always spent doing what the youngest can manage.

pictish · 17/02/2014 10:01

It's nice for them OP.
Your dd's turn will come...these things usually balance themselves out in one fashion or another. Speaking as a mum to three kids, I know this to be true. x

mandi73 · 17/02/2014 10:04

YANBU at all.
When DH has a day off I get him to drop and collect DD from school as she LOVES to have her daddy bring/collect her and its time for just the 2 of them to spend together.
I feel sorry for your DD going off to nursery every day knowing your DS and DH are staying at home without her.
The last day off DH had he took both our DD's out for the morning and they all loved it.

Indigoviolet3 · 17/02/2014 10:10

YANBU I don't understand why anyone would want to put one child in nursery when they are at home/doing something fun with another one. He has two children!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/02/2014 10:14

You can pretty much do whatever you want with a 5yr old in tow, it's a joy spending alone time with DS...

I know, I have a 5 year old too.

This situation where they have a week of mornings together just the two of them - it won't come up that frequently.

Let them both enjoy it :)

ShoeWhore · 17/02/2014 10:16

Yanbu - I get that it's nice for dh and ds to have some time alone but I don't understand why your dh wouldn't consider keeping dd at home at least one or two of the days.

JeanSeberg · 17/02/2014 10:16

YANBU I don't understand why anyone would want to put one child in nursery when they are at home/doing something fun with another one. He has two children!

I have 3 children and I take each of them away separately each year. I'm sure op's husband spends time on his own with his daughter and will have lots more opportunities to do so in future. Don't see a problem.

Original poster

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/02/2014 10:18

I don't understand why anyone would want to put one child in nursery when they are at home/doing something fun with another one.

Because sometimes it is nice for one child to have all the attention of a parent for themselves and do stuff together, things that you can't do with multiple, especially younger DCs in tow. I personally think 1:1 attention is a good thing once in a while.
DH and DS are cycling and bmxing for 2 days this week, so they can't do that with DD around.

OP posts:

tealady · 17/02/2014 10:19

Op I can totally understand your perspective and I would hate for one of my children to be treated differently to the other. It also is not very sympathetic or supportive of you when he can see how hard it is for you to take an upset dd into nursery. YANBU.

flowery · 17/02/2014 10:24

DS2 doesn't go to nursery when DS1 is off school. DH doesn't see a lot of them during the week anyway so he'd relish the chance for time with both of them, and they (the DSs) love being together.

The only exception has been one or two professional days DS1 had off school last year I still put DS2 in nursery. One was to spend some time with just him and take him to London for the day, which would have been much more challenging and limited by taking DS2 also, and the other time was because I needed to work, which is much easier with just DS1 to worry about.

But 4 days? No, we wouldn't do that.

Original poster

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/02/2014 10:27

It also is not very sympathetic or supportive of you when he can see how hard it is for you to take an upset dd into nursery.

^^this is the crux of it really. On a normal week DD knows the routine and is OK about going to nursery (although has the occassional wobble), but it's harder on me emotionally this week as she is going to upset every morning at the thought of going, whatever we say to her. She is a strong willed little girl, can never be bribed or cajoled, so cannot be swayed by us tellingher she will have a good time at nursery. It's DH's lack of understanding and empathy that it is hard to drop off a crying child at nursery that upsets me.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 17/02/2014 10:29

What usually happens during school holidays?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/02/2014 10:36

I would hate for one of my children to be treated differently to the other.

But one of the children is 5 and at school and the other is 3 and is not at school.

They are at totally different stages - why would you treat them the same?

One of the children is on half-term this week and the other is not.

Maybe it's being an eldest child, but I do not at all understand that all the children in the family need to be treated the same.

When she's 5 and on half term, presumably her father will have her and her brother at home.

Original poster

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/02/2014 10:37

DS is in Reception so it's only this year it's been like this. For christmas we all went away for 2 weeks. At October half term, I remember similar issues arising, and I think DD went to nursery 3 days that week, I can't really remember. DD is starting Reception this september so DH will soon have to look after them both during the hols, although I will take some holidays too to give him a break and spend 1:1 with the DCs.

OP posts:

CouthyMow · 17/02/2014 10:38

YANBU. It's horrible for him to be so blatantly favouring his DS even when his DD is upset and wanting to be at home with him. Surely one or two days out of the week he could keep the DD at home and spend some time with her? Get grandparents to look after the DS so that the DD can ALSO get one on one time with Daddy?!

Why should the DS get ALL the Dad's 1-2-1 attention and the DD get none?

And why shouldn't the DS and the DD get to spend some time together in the holidays, as would normally happen in a family?

I think it's mean of the Dad to refuse to commit to taking the DD out of Nursery for 1/2 days during the week, seeing as she so obviously wants to spend time with him, and is getting to see her brother doing so.

The OP's DH is framing it that it's ok to do this because the DD gets time with the OP. That's NOT the same as spending time with him, and she obviously wants to.

Why doesn't he want to spend time with the DD, and why doesn't he want the siblings to spend some of their holiday together.

Is he going to be like this in EVERY school holiday? Or just this one?

niddy · 17/02/2014 10:40

I think its about 'easy street'. Similar happenings here whereby dh objecting to sensible offering of doing things together as a family being changed, conveniently creating child free time for him. No holiday for me!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/02/2014 10:43

I love easy street. :)

It's rare enough to have some time with just the one child while the other is in childcare I'm paying for regardless of whether they go.

Nocomet · 17/02/2014 10:48

If DD is old enough to notice, then DH should spend make a huge fuss of her one day and do something special with her.

My DH was inclined to avoid spending time with our younger DD. He's not great at small people. Neither am I!

However, small people notice that older sibling gets more attention. They are not dim and they don't like it.

It's not controlling to tell your partner to be 'fair' to both his children.

underachievingmum · 17/02/2014 10:52

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

For me the problem here is that DD is obviously upset at being excluded from being at home with her daddy and brother and that would break my heart.

The compromise surely would be that she stayed at home for a couple of days and he had a day or two just with DS.

I am on mat leave but still paying for CM one day a week to keep their places. DH is off for the week and looked at me as if I was mad when I asked if he wanted to send the big two (3 and 5) as normal today!!

BruthasTortoise · 17/02/2014 10:54

YANBU - I thinking shipping one child off to nursery all week so you can have an easy week with the other is piss poor parenting. Fair enough is he has a specific activity organised with DS that DD can't participate in but he should be spending some time with both his children while he's on holidays.

HadABadDay2014 · 17/02/2014 10:54

Does DD get 1-1 time with her father at all.

is he actually on holiday or like any other teacher I know, still lesson planning and marking during 1/2 term.

Original poster

SaveTheMockingBird · 17/02/2014 11:07

He doesn't do any work at home HadABadDay2014 fits everything in during the week and school term, hence he leaves the house at 7.15 and gets back 11hrs later.

I feel that I must defend my DH somewhat as he's a very good dad IMO and he does spend a lot of time with the DCs. He is more than happy to spend a whole day with DD, and often asks if he can take her out for the day during the weekend and he often does, even if it's for half a day. He and DD have a great bond with each other. He is an equal parent and childcare after work and weekends are completely shared out and he is very good at getting involved with family activities and he does love taking the kids out on his own too.

He has planned to give blood this week too and also has to have an eye test done, things you can do with a 5yr with you, but not really possible with a 3yr old too. He can never schedule any appointments during school term time and things pile up and needs dealt with over the school holidays, so it is not possible to always look after 2 small children. We don't have any family support as both sets of parents live 5hrs away, so everything much be done with DCs in tow.

It's hard seeing DD upset and I do think taking her out of nursery for one day is a good compromise and DH has said he will do that now, so all will be OK . He is also taking her to see Peppa Pig after nursery one day while I take DS to see the Lego film.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 17/02/2014 11:09

I thinking shipping one child off to nursery all week so you can have an easy week with the other is piss poor parenting.

It's 4 half days of nursery for a 3.5 year old.

That is already paid for.

There is not a chance in hell I'd miss that opportunity to have mornings with my 5 year old while their sister went off to nursery as usual.

They will still have the afternoon together as a family and all of Friday together.

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