To be a bit blue after finding out today my exH is seeing someone?

[sparklyskyy]

I know I am and I knew I would find this out eventually but it's still made me feel a bit "ugh".

I was browsing Facebook (i know, I know) and saw pictures of the two of them except, annoyingly, she has set her FB to private

I don't feel as bad as I thought I would but it's like seeing another person, not the guy I was/am married to (still to get divorced). And now it's like she's stepped into my old life, in my old house with my old friends.

I left him so I really shouldn't be thinking about it but we were together a long long time and it's just sad how we were once so happy and now it's over and we've both moved on. I'm in a new relationship too and we have a baby together and we're happy but my exH and I did at one time think we would spend the rest of our lives together but it didn't work out like that. I can't talk to anyone in RL about it because they were all devastated and shocked when we split and they'd probably say I told you so. It's not that I want to be with him anymore it's just that he's now with someone else which is strange! I've always wanted him to be happy and I hope he is. People have mentioned how going through with the actual divorce is hard even of its what you want and I couldn't understand it but I think now I can see what they mean. Maybe I should get on with that asap to get it over and done with!

I hope this doesn't come across as self pitying twaddle although I am feeling sorry for myself for some strange reason!

Hey sparklyskyy, what you're feeling is completely understandable. He was your partner for a long time and no matter what the circumstances it can feel really strange to see him with someone new. It doesn't mean you haven't moved on or want him back, it still feels like a blow - like getting the wind knocked out of you. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself for a bit.

It sounds like a perfectly normal, if rather melancholy reaction to me. I think it's common to wonder sometimes what might have been, had things worked out differently. But this will pass in time, like all things do eventually. Go and cuddle the baby and do something nice for your new partner and think of all the good things you have.

It doesn't matter that you left him, and it's not self pitying to feel something after being with him for so long.

Are you sure there isn't anyone you can talk to in RL?

I'm sure there wouldn't be any I told you so's, I know what you mean about them being shocked (devastated is pretty strong, are they that bad?) you've split up, but that's about them and not you.

You being together with your DH was something that was constant in their lives, that they could always rely on to be there, and it's maybe shaken what they thought they knew about life, the universe etc, but surely they'd want to support you? Because otherwise they'd be punishing you for leaving and that wouldn't be right.

Have you ever had a sudden dizzy spell? You know where it suddenly feels like the earth has violently tipped beneath you (I think it's actually something to do with the water in your inner ear) and even though you know you aren't going to faint, you still walk a little bit gingerly for a few mins?

That's how I felt when I found out my ex had got married 5mins after we broke up and 3mins after asking me back I didn't want him or that life but for a split 2nd the planet tipped beneath my feet, it soon settled down but I was briefly sad she had his surname and family (even though I didn't want it).
Give yourself a few mins to readjust to the new reality and then push through the divorce and fully move on

Thank you for all your kind words. I'm probably feeling worse because the baby is in bed and I'm on my own the whole weekend due to my DP working.

Yes, they were pretty devastated, mainly my parents and step parents. They were so angry with me at first but I think it was the shock because I never told anyone what was going on inside our marriage until I went to leave and the reaction I got was horrendous and very hurtful at the time when I needed them most. I shut a lot of people out at the time and they were hurt that I couldn't confide in them which is probably why I'm reluctant to open up to them about how I'm feeling now. This includes some other family and friends. It's easier just keeping it to myself. It was a tough few months after I left but I never felt I could speak to anyone about it because of their reaction. Although it was the right decision to leave I felt they would think I shouldn't be upset about it if that's what I wanted. I suppose I'm still trying to process it although hadn't thought about it for ages until today when I found out.

Mimi I think you're right about the divorce. It's still binding us together albeit subconsciously. I think the time has come to get the ball rolling because it'll just drag things out and I'll need to go through all this again and so will he.

I'm getting a bit teary here! Silly really

When my mum left my dad (a long time before she actually left him and they divorced) and she told her mum, the first thing my GM said was 'How's XXXX?' (my dads name).

That cut my mum to the bone.

Even now though her side of the family still include dad in family things, which is nice because they were married for donkeys yonks, but it shows how torn loyalties can be.

Could the looking through his facebook be part of the process you have to go through coming to terms with it?

Maybe it's taking longer than you think it should be (or think you have a right to be as it was you who left), when in reality it's a trauma like any other traumatic event that changes your whole life, and although the process has slowed down it's still coming out in dribs and drabs occasionally.

It is very difficult Agent, I can understand why families still talk to the ex or enquire after them but it's still not easy. For a while people, including my parents, were asking me "oh, is exH seeing anyone yet?". Erm, I don't know and I'd really rather not thanks!

That's spot on about it slowing down and then coming in dribs and drabs. I haven't looked at his FB in months, and haven't thought about him as much lately however there's a date coming up shortly that was important to us so it got me thinking again. If I'd been busy tonight it wouldn't have crossed my mind but I've had too much time on my hands this weekend.

Pushing through the divorce will blow the dust off areas of your past and marriage that were quite comfortably sitting in a dark corner.
But you sound like you're happy in your life otherwise, so although it'll stir up some things I think it would be the final string between you cut free.

Maybe you could sit down with which ever of your step/parents you're closest to and bring it up, tell them you never really talked about it before due to the reactions you got and take it from there.
Their reactions were all about them when actually it's all about you.