To tell her not to rush into this?

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a friend who is 33 next month and she is desperate for a baby. She has only ever had one real relationship which lasted two years when she was aged 26-28. Prior to that relationship she had just gone from bad man to bad man and has been doing it again since the relationship ended. Of our 'circle' she is the oldest but the only one to have not settled and had children.

She has previously joked about using a sperm donor but last week she admitted to me that she is now seriously considering it and has got an appointment at the end of the month with some clinic to start the process. I was quite shocked and told her not to rush into anything as she still has time to find a partner, fall in love, have a baby together etc (which is her dream scenario) but she took my reaction quite badly. She told me I'm not being a very good friend and what right have I got to tell her that she shouldn't do it. All I advised was that she think it through a bit more as it's a huge decision to make but she hadn't really spoken to me since.

BTW - I'm not against the use of sperm donors at all, I just think that at 33 she still has time to find her Mr Right?

....or do I need to apologise for not being more supportive?

Well, she's seen sense and given up on the idea of finding the 'perfect man' to the extent that she is not putting her life on hold until The Man appears. There's nothing sad about that.

I think perhaps you simply don't know that a woman's fertility can decline pretty dramatically after 35. Sure, it doesn't always do that (and I had my DS unplanned at 39) but a woman who really wants to be a mother is much better off going down the donor sperm/adoption route than trying to find a man willing to be not just a father but a life-partner as well, in a very short space of time.

Don't say that fox - I don't want to be a drip feeder I dread to think how long my OP would have been had I included all the complexities of my friend...

Looking at your username OP - are you testing out the plot for a really shit romcom?

She sees family as 'mom, dad and their children in the same happy household' and that anything else isn't fair on the children

If she actually does believe this then she is a delusional arse.

iseeyoushiver - she told me about the sperm donation appointment on the same day she told me about her views on how family set-ups should be. We were talking about my sister (who is in a new relationship after splitting with the father of her children) and my friend was expressing her opinion on it (and not a good one) and that then led on to her telling me about her appointment.

harticus - that's my worry. How can she express such strong views on something which doesn't fit in with what her plans are? It's confusing.

Solidbrass If only!

It took you by surprise but I think if I was you, I would call her an say you will support her all the way if that's what she wants to do, as its not something you can rush into.
I say this as I did the opposite when a friend that was 30 fell pregnant by a ons and was deciding what to do and I said, I didn't think that it was a good idea as she wanted the whole package and the bloke wasn't going to be there, even thou she was happy to do it by herself. She had an abortion, then a nervous breakdown, was sectioned for a bit and never spoke to me again, she is now 37 still single and childless, I saw her in a shop under a year a go and she looked straight thru me,the fact I was 6 months pregnant probably didn't help as we have mutual friends so she would have known. I felt awful.
So if you want her in your life support her all the way, regardless of your ideas.

Well, there's clearly an inconsistency there then, but perhaps she is giving her view that 'in an ideal world'?

You already know this is not what she would have chosen, but it is the choice that she has and she's making it.

I'm not sure how helpful asking her how her plans fit in with her views on family would be. That would just seem mean. Although certainly there would be no problem with you pointing it out if she chooses to be judgmental about your sister again!

At the end of the day, I am sure she wasn't asking for your permission, so your role here is to support her right to make the decision she feels is best for her.

Look, if she really is your friend just support her and don't judge, especially not from your loved up and sprogged up position that she clearly feels is obtainable. She's not planning an axe murder, she just wants to make a family.

Although judging by your comments maybe she's realised you all enjoy pitying her which is why she's making plans?

Look, if she really is your friend just support her and don't judge, especially not from your loved up and sprogged up position that she clearly feels is obtainable. She's not planning an axe murder, she just wants to make a family.

Although judging by your comments maybe she's realised you all enjoy pitying her which is why she's making plans?

I think you need to apologise too. And listen to her. And uf she does go ahead, then celebrate her pregnancy and baby with her.

Wind your neck in. Your opinion is irrelevant support her or leave.

She can have the baby and still meet someone can't she or is a woman with a baby such an enormous turn off...?

Wax hands on way out....

Oops

wilkos - you're right, and she will make a brilliant mom. She is fantastic with my sister's children. It's just hard to know what is the right thing to do and say as yellowsnows post demonstrates - you just say what feels right at the time and then agonise over it afterwards...

Oh just drop her a text saying sorry bout earlier, you took me by surprise, or something.

She does sound a bit...inconsistent but hey.

id support her as someone who is now nearly 37 not met mr right and tried at home sperm donation my best friends have been more than supportive at me trying to do it alone, my main issue is i bought sperm from a sprem bank and done diy insemintation whcih didnt work
if she wants and can manage a baby on her own then i dont know why you wouldnt be supporitive

She has probably got a lot of internal struggles going on. Realistically, she does only have a few years to become a mother, however she's got decades to find her Mr Right. this might not be her ideal way to live, but she's not managed her ideal, so she's chosing from the options she's got.

I just rang her to apologise if I'd offended her, and she was quite upset on the phone, not upset with me, but about the whole thing and asking why she "can't have a normal relationship like everyone else" Anyway, she's on her way over for a chat about it all and probably bringing some wine with her - I'll get the spare bed made up in preparation I think

Thanks for all your comments, they have opened my eyes about how she may really be feeling and they will no doubt help me see things much better from her perspective when she gets here.

Hopefully I'll be able to update with positive news in the morning

You're a good friend.

I kind of think it's better to rush into this rather than rush into another bad relationship and have baby. Sounds like she will be a terrific (if judgey!)mother!

To be totally honest I think you are being ridiculous to think that she hasn't thought this through.

I would doubt anyone would just wake up and think, "oh do you know what I fancy doing today". You probably underestimate exactly how much thought your friend has put into this.

If someone had told me when I was trying to conceive DD with my ExH to "think it through" etc I honestly don't think I would have responded any better than your friend did to you. It's the same for her.

I think you should apolgise.

Sorry the further pages didn't load till after I posted.

Glad your there for her. She sounds like she needs support at the moment.

Well done writer, if I could go back with my friend, I might have done things differently, I know she had her own mind and I couldn't have predicted how things have gone. But I do still feel guilty.

Glad to hear you're going to be talking. I don't think you can rush into sperm donation anyway. it takes a while I believe. And I think it has built in consultaitons and counselling. Not sure though. But I am sure of one thing - well thought out sperm donation has to be better than some of the relationships you read about on MN. It might not be ideal (for some), but it's a long way from bad.

Judging by the contradictory nature of her opinion on 'blended' families and her own decision to use a sperm donor, I am going to say that the opinions she expressed about your sisters situation are born out of jealousy and pain. I mean, She's 33. She's had one real relationship which was shit. She hasn't even been lucky enough to meet one man to have a child with never mind get a second chance at a happy family.

I think any response to her plans was a bit of a gamble on your part, You could have done one of two things and either could be taken the wrong way. What you said and how it was taken being one, and as you said earlier, if you'd agreed with her she might have got the hump and seen it as you believing she never will meet anyone.

Her opinions will probably change if/when she has her own child. Like a previous poster, i have had friends fall out with me for being pregnant, and they're straight back a new person once they're pregnant too, but it does damage because then you feel like you're being taken for a mug.