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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me, AIBU

18 replies

MamaDuckling · 15/02/2014 16:36

I suspect I might be, but please set me straight...

We have a wonderful 12 week old DS... Not a great sleeper but generally a happy little thing. Kind of!

DH never quite got the whole thing about going out less while I was pregnant, has never been able to leave the pub after just a pint or two.

Anyway, since little one was born, DH has been out a fair few times, wet baby's head, christmas parties, boys nights etc. Despite him coming in worse for wear, tipsy, snoring etc I've never been cross as I appreciate he needs a break too (not that I get any!).

Recently however, it's been annoying me. Not that he stays out late, more that he never even runs his nights out by me. He never checks if I mind, just announces them e.g 'I'm out late on Thursday for X's birthday'

Normally no problem but when we're still getting to grips with LO, and I'm trying to get him taking a bottle from DH, I guess I'd like to be consulted with before he makes his plans.

AIBU? How do you play things at home??

OP posts:
natwebb79 · 15/02/2014 16:43

I'd be reminding my DH he wasn't single and childless any more and I would be majorly pissed off. So I think yanbu.

magimedi · 15/02/2014 16:43

YANBU & he is being selfish. Life changes when you have DCs & he needs to grow up & realise that.

brokenhearted55a · 15/02/2014 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegreatgatsby101 · 15/02/2014 16:45

No, you are not being unreasonable.
I'm not one of these 'men are never allowed out ever again once the baby is here' types, but it sounds like it's excessive. Once a week is more than enough in my view, if not once a fortnight tbh!

MamaPingu · 15/02/2014 16:46

YANBU he can't be living the single life while you're sat at home caring for his child.
It wouldn't be so bad if he asked you just to have good manners and show respect!
How would he react if you announced you were off out tomorrow night?

LindyHemming · 15/02/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaDuckling · 15/02/2014 16:47

Thanks!

Funny thing is, he's the older one in our relationship (quite a considerable age gap between us). It's for that reason he wanted to have DC so soon after we were married! I could have happily had a few more carefree/childless years!

How would you suggest I broach this with him? I don't want to seem a nag-bag or controlling bunny boiler!

OP posts:
Nomama · 15/02/2014 16:49

Next time reply, oh dear, I have arranged to go to X that night. I haven't been out for ever and am not cancelling! You're on daddy duty!

Have that row... you know will have to. Choose your time, when you are both awake and sober. Tell him you are getting annoyed and that, from your perspective, he is not parenting yet.

Ask him if there is anything bothering him... he could be terrified of the changes and scared of handling the baby.

You'll never know until you tackle it head on - nicely if possible.

lazyhound444 · 15/02/2014 16:49

He's a selfish tit. No doubt the first chance you have for a night out on his own he'll make a lot of huffing and puffing about "babysitting". You don't babysit your own child of course, you "parent" it. It's about time he accepted his responsibilities to you both. You need to talk to him about it, it won't get better if you leave it unchecked, only worse.

brokenhearted55a · 15/02/2014 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaDuckling · 15/02/2014 16:53

Ha, I love you straight talking MNetters.

And yes, my last post made me sound pathetic didn't it!

I get the impression that his circle of friends all behave like this, and I'm sure he has no idea that it's not fair to carry on like this now that DS is here.

OP posts:
youmakemydreams · 15/02/2014 16:55

My ex was like this and to me it was very telling. He made plans and informed be going totally under the assumption that I would be sitting at home looking after the dc. It never occured to him that I may want a life outside the house.
The thing is as well you don't have to be totally right on and cool with this. You are allowed to be pissed off and feel taken for granted. You can't just up and off whenever you feel like it why should he get to? You are both parents being a man doesn't give him the opt out whenever it suits him.

Nomama · 15/02/2014 16:56

Yeah, men love it when we 'gals' believe things like that. It absolves them of all guilt.

Go on, you know you want to! Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now - as the song goes!

Original poster
MamaDuckling · 15/02/2014 17:04

I think that sadly it will result in a row because he'll think I'm BU...

But your arguments are excellent, and I will use them when the time comes to have the conversation - think I'll wait until after X's Birthday next week and I've got some good ammo, (he snores SO loudly after a few drinks)!

OP posts:
LimitedEditionLady · 15/02/2014 17:06

Id remind him youre not the nanny,childcare is not your default responsibilty and he cannot presume that you definately will be happy to do everything on your own.If he disagrees next time he says hes off out get your coat and say "oh dear so am i,so what shall we do with OUR child?"

Original poster
MamaDuckling · 18/02/2014 22:12

Thanks to you all I just had a casual word with DH about this.

He was very gracious and said I was (we were!), of course, completely right.

Thanks ladies, knew I wasn't BU!! Wink

OP posts:
MamaPingu · 18/02/2014 22:24

MNers are always right fellow mama Wink

Mim78 · 18/02/2014 22:24

Well done OP. was going to weigh in with some of the comments already made but it looks like young have dealt with it already.

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