Your hair is but a memory,
Your teeth are frankly fake.
I rent us porno DVDs,
But you cant stay awake.
Your hypertensions frightening,
Your indigestions chronic.
Your circulatory system flows
With mainly gin and tonic.
No chocolates, flowers, perfume,
Or sweet romantic poem.
Your perfect night of passion
Is Arsenal playing at home.
You promised me a high life,
Champagne, caviar, coke
Now its chips and curry,
Cos youre so flaming broke.
But still please be my Valentine
Youre probably not the worst.
Id marry you again unless
George Clooney asked me first.