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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ok - so now have joined the club. Of DS not being invited to birthday party.

50 replies

kiwimumof2boys · 13/02/2014 07:34

OK, Have been on MN a while, and I know this issue has been discussed before, but want to add my own experience and hopefully get some hand holding! DS1 who is nearly 6 and is doing well at school, despite a few minor issues as he is mildly autistic. I am very proud of him. He has made a few friends, is not an out going kid, so was never expecting him to have a whole load. But thats fine. Anyway, last year, he was talking about a friend, J, he played with at lunchtime, who was in a different class, and the start of this year (I'm in NZ, the new school year, new classes etc started last week), he was thrilled that J was in his class. I met J's mum who was like 'oh J was talking about kiwiDS1 all over Xmas holidays, he really values him' blah blah. Which was nice to hear. Great. Also, J's mum is doing a PhD is educational psychology so I said a little (not a lot) about DS1's autisim, which she was interested in as it's her field of study.

So today, J and his mum come into class before school, and J starts handing out birthday party invitations to a few kids - but not Ds1. I had to leave but was a bit that he had to bloody do that before school (school requests - quite sensibly imo - that invites not be given out at school). It was clear DS1 would not get an invitation. Luckily I managed to distract DS1 and them I had to leave, but I'm feeling a little for his sake.

I know theres been about a thousand threads about this, and a lot of you have experienced it ! just feeling a bit down esp as DS1 doesn't have many friends. And I know the MN rules - Do not confront mother, teacher or discuss party with any other parents.
Anyway, wise MN-etters any pearls of wisdom would be muchly appreciated !

OP posts:

SummersDumbAsPie · 14/02/2014 00:31

Bah, just when you feel some sympathy for an OP and out come the bitchy comments about appearances. I'm also wondering if it is more to do with you than your child!

lessonsintightropes · 14/02/2014 01:58

That thigh comment is just nasty.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 14/02/2014 05:12

A bit silly of the mum to hand out invites in full view of everyone. The standard procedure in my ds's school is to give the invites to the teacher to put inside the bookbags.

beluga425 · 14/02/2014 05:59

Well, I was right there with you until the thighs.

Not sure I'd want someone that judgemental/ bitchy at my dc's party.

bodygoingsouth · 14/02/2014 06:11

you need to relax as this will happen again and again. all kids can't go to all parties. I think your dh was right in that he invited kids whose party he had been asked to.

sure the thigh comment wasn't meant to be nasty but don't become one if those mothers who is mortally offended over every slight to her kid. you will become very unpopular and by default this will affect your son.

it's great he has settled and made friends. move on.

Original poster

kiwimumof2boys · 14/02/2014 07:50

OK sorry to anyone I offended by the thighs comment. Was having a horrible morning (work, DS2 issues blah blah), not in a great frame of mind. Yes it was an inappropriate comment. No I would never ever say anything like that in RL, and definitely not about a school mother. (Thats what MN for!)
Anyway, thanks to all those who replied.

OP posts:

Toomanyworriedsonhere · 14/02/2014 09:07

amazing how many people on here never have bitchy thoughts - so many saints in one page

BirdintheWings · 14/02/2014 09:20

[the autism] must've been very mild as he has looked her in the eye and had a conversation

Oh dear god. And she's doing a PhD in psychology? Please tell me she is not, in fact, training to be an ed psych and dismiss parental concerns this glibly.

DS1 could converse and look people in the eye at 6. Apparently. In fact, he was staring at their mouths or eyebrows, and conversing at a very strange level for a 6-year-old. He has had a full-time statement and full-time support since the age of 9; would have been earlier, I suspect, but the first ed psych he saw shrugged off his problems in much this fashion.

Laura0806 · 14/02/2014 09:26

ah don't worry, as someone else said everyone has thought bitchy comments at some point even if they don't really mean it.

RE the party; Its tough when your children are excluded and Im fairly good at ignoring and telling my children they can't be invited to everything etc etc. The last incident I found a bit tougher as my dd is the only girl in her class not invited and the birthday girl keeps rubbing it in her face by repeatedly announcing it. Now, if I was the mother there is no way I would allow everychild to be invited bar one, not even if that child had been unkind to mine as I don't think its teaching the right lessons ( I am pretty sure my daughter hasn't but shes immature and probably a bit annoying to this girl). However, at the end of the day, noone has to invite your child and we have to teach them to manage the disappointments as we have to. But just to hand hold and say its not just your ds it happens to and they will forget about it quicker than we will

lazyhound444 · 14/02/2014 11:18

This might be the first time it's happened but it won't be the last. It's just a part of life when you have children and you have to develop quite a thick skin or you'll project all your anxieties and paranoia about not getting invited onto them.

As others have said, it does feel rotten but most of the time your DC won't even notice or bother. Just go with that and focus on them living in the moment.

nova1111 · 14/02/2014 11:39

I find I get more upset than dc when this happens. Mine seem to accept "you can't be invited to everything" quite well, whilst I am quietly seething at the dm.

But I think it's likely we've probably offended someone in the same way in the past. If I asked dc at that sort of age whom they wanted to invite, they'd forget people, invite those they got on with today, not invite someone they usually play with but who wasn't nice to them that day. It's quite hard to know who to invite if you're having a small party.

And certainly some of the parties in those early years were made up of the mum's friends rather than the dc's friends.

spiderlight · 14/02/2014 12:06

We're going through this at the moment as well. DS is 6 and has been in a firm friendship group with three other boys since the beginning of Reception. They've all played together almost daily, I've had them all here together for tea etc. One of the boys has a birthday this weekend and has invited the two others from the foursome, plus two other boys from the class, on a birthday outing, but not DS. The invitations were taken into school and handed out in front of him, just to make it worse, and he is gutted. The worst of it is that the first two invites were taken in on one day and the boy said he could only invite two friends because of space in his car, but then the invites for the other two boys were taken in the next day. No idea what's behind it. We've had tears, saying he feels to ill for school, evne asking if we can move house. I was always the one left out of things at school so it's dragged up some very painful memories for me too :(

gamerchick · 14/02/2014 12:20

spiderlight.. could you maybe plan a special day for the bairn instead. i find myself doing that a lot for mine as he never gets invited and it's always rubbed in his face.

There has to be something that he'll enjoy.

iwouldgoouttonight · 14/02/2014 12:38

Bless him. My DS is incredibly shy and doesn't get invited to many parties, just one in the last year. I think the most important thing is to try not to let your DS know your upset about it, otherwise he'll get upset about it. My DS has said it's not fair how his younger sister goes to loads of parties and he goes to none and I've said that younger children do sometimes invite the while class even if they don't know them all very well, but now he's 7 children tend to invite less people. He seems fine about it and he's said he only wants to invite two people over for his birthday.

I know it can seem sad, but after having to go to a party every other weekend with DD, i'm quite glad I don't have to do it with DS too! With him I make more of an effort to invite friends to our house to play after school or for tea, and encourage his friendships that way.

have to admit I sniggered at the shorts/thighs comment

ShatzePage · 14/02/2014 12:59

Yanbu op. My eldest dc had sen and has not been invited to a party in 6 years He had only 1 friend in his class and even that seems to have fizzled out. He tends to play with younger kids as they are more on his emotional level.

He is going to secondary school this year and I am hoping it will be a fresh start for him. It does bloody hurt though.

trampstamp · 14/02/2014 13:10

Those who think you should toughen up need to get lost

My ds was not invited to a single party from 4-11 years old the class remain the same from reception till leaving

trampstamp · 14/02/2014 13:13

Shatez

Ypur ds sounds like mine he never got invited to any parties but I have to say high school was the making of him it's much easier to form your own group of friends

He now has a quite nice group of mates who go out often

lazyhound444 · 14/02/2014 14:04

trampstamp "those who think you should toughen up need to get lost"

What a bizarre attitude. You then go on to say your own son wasn't invited to a single party for 7 years. Are we to assume that you had full on wailing and gnashing of teeth every time it happened?

I'm really glad your DS is having a better high school than primary experience but I just don't understand your "get lost" comment. Surely it's better to develop some resilience to the hurt and rise above it? I'm genuinely confused by your stance on this, it makes no sense to me.

gamerchick · 14/02/2014 14:07

i think it's hard to imagine how it feels when your child NEVER gets invited and you have to see their faces crumple up every.single.time.

its easy to say toughen up when it's not happening to you.

spiderlight · 14/02/2014 16:11

gamerchick It's already in hand - I've booked premium tickets to take him and two non-school friends to see the Lego movie tomorrow and then these other friends' lovely mum has invited him back to their house afterwards for tea and will make a big fuss of him, so he'll have a fab time. The party exclusion still hurts though.

minouminou · 14/02/2014 19:16

My DS (seven) is charming, popular and very empathetic....but he only gets invited to about half the parties going on. Most often it's a numbers issue...the older they get the more expensive it is as there's activities etc etc going on.

Sometimes I quail when I see classmates coming out of school with invitations, but he's not bothered.
All I can suggest, OP, is that you use your DS' birthday to hold a really good bash and invite as many peo

minouminou · 14/02/2014 19:17

Sorry
People as possible. Think of it as a PR exercise for your boy.
There's no point withdrawing, or worrying...you have to champion him.

gamerchick · 14/02/2014 19:18

ah he'll love that i'll bet spider.. hope it's awesome

CerealMom · 14/02/2014 20:45

I'm screwed - I think bad thoughts all the time...

Original poster

kiwimumof2boys · 15/02/2014 07:29

Oh thanks again for all your advice. It is good to know it happens to lots of people. DS1's birthday is in March but he doesn't want a party, just wants to go the football ! his choice. Hopefully that won't mean that his friends will think he had a party and didn't invite any of them, leading to no more invites ever this year . . . ah well cross that bridge when we get to it I guess !
Unfortunately DS2 has already been to 2 birthday parties already this year and has another one next Sunday. He's very extroverted which doesn't help things.

OP posts:

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