Grandparents not interested

[Dietagainmonday]

I have a one year old dd and have never had help from dp family. They come to my house once every three months or so and sit on my sofa smiling while watching her play, they don't pick her up, talk to her nothing! While I was expecting her they were here nearly every day (live 5 walk mins away) all excited about the baby. My dp asked if they would have her on the weekend (while we have a valentines meal)and got a very reluctant "ok" I have just had a text to say that mil can't do Friday as shes not well(last time she was painting bedroom and time before she had too much to do). I'm fuming and think I've had enough, i am so temped to cut them out of my life- haven't spoke to dp but know he's just as pissed off as me. Ps the grand kids of dp
sisters 4 other grandkids are visited all the time they can't do enough for them, they had sacks full of christmas presents while dd had about £15 spent on her. I have asked dp on many occasions to go and ask what their problem is do you think I'm being unreasonable to ask them why they don't like my dd? I know they don't owe me their time but why won't they bother with her I'm so upset she hasn't done anything that's for sure.

Yes perhaps it's just become a bit of a habit, I can see with the initial baby/birth/feeding stuff perhaps they were hesitant and got into a bad habit of not trying. Yes wasn't trying to suggest being busy was an excuse but people do prioritise the easy in general and that's dealing with your existing dc.

That made no sense, I meant the gps dealing with the older gc! Babybrain...

Balloon this is also with sons too, nit only daughters. Yes you reap what you sow I am afraid, very sad missmash, but what can you dot when they never bothered with you.

I've read and double-chcked, but can't see the answer. That said, I'm not having a good afternoon, so please forgive if this is a stupid couple of questions:

1. what are DP's siblings, all brothers, sisters, etc?
2. ditto question re other DGCs?

You might, on typing out the answer, discover the potential problem (that either this is the only female grandchild your ILs have, or that it's the only one with a potential to "carry on the family name" but is "failing to do so").

Or it might just be the less gender-specific problem of Golden Child(ren) and Scapegoat.

But your description, esp that the ILs were really great throughout the pregnancy, made me wonder if, on whatever unreasonable level, they were "disappointed" by the result.

I'm ancient and had 17 cousins. I only ever had one grandparent (my Mum's Mum) as the rest all died before I was born. My granny had one son and 7 daughters but it was her son's 3 dcs that she favoured quite spectacularly over the rest of us. We just got used to it and accepted that we were never going to compete with them. I wouldn't have minded but they were spoiled, nasty brats whilst the rest of us were pretty easy going and cheerful kids.

When I had my own DCs it was quite obvious that my MIL preferred the GCs of my DH's younger brother and it really rankled with me and I had a hard time accepting it. Things changed a lot when her son split with his wife and had a hard time getting access to his kids, she started favouring mine around this time as the others were just "too much hassle". She's an odd woman but is very kind to my DCs now and I just go with the flow.

In short, YANBU but life's like that sometimes.

BalloonSlayer - it isn't true that you have to go through their mother to arrange to see GC. My DH is able to make arrangements and does so for my PIL. Similarly my DB is the one who makes arrangements with our family to see his DC.

It is a poor excuse for not seeing your GC, particularly if they are willing to see you and would like your involvement in their lives.

It's very sad. My theory is that the children of the favourite child become the favourite grandchildren by extension. My youngest brother's son is absolutely my mum's favourite because of this (I am her only daughter and my son is older than my nephew).

Favouritism is wrong but is very much beyond your control.

I'd leave it for your Dh to challenge. They are very much in the wrong.

My parents trot out 'we treat you/GC the same' and I challenge Them each and every time. They have started changing tack and saying things like 'we would if you lived closer'. My dsis lives 150 miles further away than we do and they help there, I also mention that we aren't moving closer so could they think of plan b. They won't ever change, but I feel better for making it clear they aren't playing fair.

Thanks for all the replies you have defiantly given me something to think about. This seems a common problem. I promise myself I will never be a grandmother like her. dd looks like me, thinking about it now I have heard the comment "she looks nothing like you" to my dp, didn't take much notice at the time but she does have his eyes... Also Thinking back my dp didn't get a birthday card, not even a text so it could be they prefer the others to him, how sad if that's the case! He has 1 brother who has a child( middle gc) who's treated very well then 2 sisters one has two gc and and youngest sister has one dd.

My dp hasn't come home yet but If he doesn't go and get to the bottom of it soon i will totally wipe them out of my life. Fed up of it taking over my thoughts and feelings, wracking my brains to work it out, if they don't like me fine, I can get over that Its my dd I feel for, I thought she would have so much love and attention from them the way they were while I was expecting. Dp is really annoyed but hasn't said anything which annoys me so much.

My parents lived a 5 minute walk away and never came to see us, never offered with childcare, etc. However, they couldn't do enough for Dsis. On the one occasion I was completely desperate for a babysitter when CM was sick, my own mother charged me the going rate for a day of CM. She never charged my Dsis a penny for CM her son every day. My DP are both dead now, and I don't miss them a bit.

That's awful LaGuardia. No wonder you don't miss them. Some people just aren't cut out to be parents.

I was truly heart broken about this when DS was a baby. I had seen how my mum doted on my sisters' DC and imagined an idyllically close relationship that I didn't have with my own GPS. The excitement that seemed abundant whilst I was pregnant, didn't amount to anything. I was had a hard labour, emc and DVT. Felt very Ill for a very long time and their lack of any support (emotional, financial, practical) was very hard.

I (sceptically) went to counselling about something else and it really made me think. A lot of feelings came up from my own childhood.

I think I must have just clicked that they are in the wrong and I've just accepted that. my DM had cancer recently and I rang everyday and made trips to see her. Now she's better the relationship is back to what is was and I'm fine with it. Support is one sided; from me to her. I'm a better parent and will be a much better gp.

It can be very hard to see the support she still gives to the older children in my family, but mist if the time I don't care. I occasionally get the rage when I hear DM say how much she misses my DS; she doesn't have to miss him, she could see him. A shrine of pics is all for show and no use to me or him.

I didn't go down the nc route. As flawed as the GPS are, ds knows them. I don't make excuses for them. He doesn't miss what he never had. Shame on them.

I hope you can find peace with your situation. I would ask your dh to request for practical and specific help. I'd also foster a better relationship with aunties and uncles.

The situation is obviously upsetting to you, OP. I suspect people who are suggesting GPs feel more comfortable with their own DDs' babies are onto something.

I may be barking up the wrong tree here but I noticed you talked about "my house", "my sofa" and "my DD" in the OP. If your ILs get the feeling they're on your territory when they come to visit, as opposed to visiting their son and his family, that might not be helping matters.

There is no excuse for treating sine grandchildren like royalty, whilst the others are treated like shit, not the child's fault!

The GP favouring their DD's kids isn't necessarily true Casper. My mum and dad favour my DB's DDs, yet I moved 350 miles away and back again to my home town, so that my parents didn't have to travel more than 10mins to see DD and DS. We are now less than 5mins walk away from my parent's house, and they're not prepared to call at mine yet are happy to spend 10 mins driving to my DB's house.

My nieces are treated better than my own DC OP and it hurts that my parents can fawn all over my brothers girls, yet we're ask to come over with our DC, then made to feel unwanted, as if they can't be bothered with the DC when we get there. Another example was Feb last year. We asked mum and dad to come over to ours for Xmas dinner, but they went on about how they weren't going to bother going to anyone's house at Xmas. This was way before we got the dogs. Lets just say that I was pretty angry when I found out that mum and dad were going to golden boy brother's house.

In contrast, my IL's were the ones who, in my mind, replaced my parents as they were the most loving, respectful and fun people you could meet. They absolutely doted on DS. They were the parent's I should have had, not the parent's I got, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it.

It's hard when you feel like your family don't matter to your parents or IL's. My advice is to just move on and live your own life. Some parents like to be needed, and to be totally independent from then tends to make them feel like they're being chucked on the scrapheap. Anyway, if they don't want to make the effort to see their DGC, then that's their loss. I don't ask my parents for anything now and as far as I'm concerned it takes 2 people to put in 50/50 of effort to keep a relationship going. If the percentage is higher, without acceptance from the party doing the majority of work, then resentment will build.

Hi OP you asked what IL response was when confronted.

Well the shit hit the fan. Things turned sour when I was pregnant (7m) then once DS1 was born they disappeared into the sunset and set off blaming us. We wanted them to be more involved in ds1 life. They did several very upsetting things which over the years snowballed.

After speaking with them they blew up and refused to speak with us for 8 months. Sent us nasty emails etc

When they finally agreed to meet us to talk they went in to deny everything mode/that didn't happen mode/we have nothing to apologise for mode.

We explained that we didn't feel they were bothered about DS1, their only GC, they denied this and said they would love to see more of him, so DH asked for some dates, any date, we will cancel anything you can have any date...they said they were busy! To which DH asked how they have planned so much (neither work) into their schedule and not think to set aside time to see ds1. They shrugged. MIL used to a be a teacher so has a general idea about holidays etc.

It transpired that IL didn't like DH. They openly admitted it several times, This started after he left home (and dh realised that if he behaved like them he would never have friends) BIL is the golden child, My hubby told me that before I met them.

Of course they have changed their tune and now its all MY fault. They project all THEIR feelings onto us. "you just don't like us"

Thankfully DH family members know what IL can be like and have been on the receiving end.

My MIL is much more involved with her grandchildren from her DDs, than with ours.

I personally think it's because she gets on much better with her own DDs than me! My SILs are always asking for help and advice. I just get on with it, and never ask MIL for advice. I don't parent as she parents. We have different parenting philosophies if that makes sense? Also SILs bottle fed, as did my MIL, and she enjoyed giving the grandchildren a bottle. I bf.

I'm quite happy to not have her too involved.