to think these instances do not render me mentally ill?

[PinkHardHat]

My mum is schizophrenic. She tried to kill me when I was 15 and refuses to medicate, I've had no contact for years for my childrens safety sake. My exH used to regularly infer, as well as say outright, that I am mentally ill, too. This has come up again today as he has said I'm 'erratic', 'acting demented' and 'should seek help before someone does it for me.' These are the instances that have caused him to say this:

1. He has been collecting dd from school for the past couple of months on the Friday of his weekends contact. One week he forgot to return her coat, another week it was her shoes, another week it was her scarf, hat and gloves and another week it was her lunch bag. When I've told him he's forgotten them he's said he'll return them in a few days. When I've said it's winter and she needs these things (it's a 1.5 mile walk to school) and that I don't have spares so need them back sooner, he got angry at me and told me that I'm BU to expect him to return them sooner and that she'll be fine without them.

1. He has never had contact beyond one or two weekends per month, despite me offering holiday contact via email. He has history of leaving it a day or two before the holidays, then claiming he didn't realise it was the holidays (despite his mum who he sees everyday being a teacher) and saying he would've loved contact. I emailed him in November giving dates he could have holiday contact if he wished and asked that he replied by the end of January so I could make plans. He usually books his holidays in December for the following year. He didn't reply to my email, despite having read it, yet tonight called to say he'd be collecting dd on Monday for holiday contact. I said I assumed his lack of response meant he didn't want any holiday contact and so we've made plans. He's now threatening court.

1. When he collects dd from school he doesn't do her homework, spellings or reading with her or empty and clean her lunch box - leaving it all for me to deal with on Sunday evening when I also have other children to be seeing to - he just has dd. I've asked that he do these things over the course of the weekend as I can't not do them if he hasn't as it upsets dd who worries she'll get in trouble. He refuses, saying he wants quality time with dd and doesn't have time to do those things.

Aibu and 'demented' in the things I've said/done?

You're not being a pair of idiots. He is being the idiot all by himself. Nasty bully.

I don't have any advice sorry but I am glad he's your ex now.

There's nothing wrong with you. He's an abusive bully. Let him take you to court.

Is there any chance of having his mum more involved? Presumably if she's a teacher she might be more realistic about what dd needs?

He is just picking on a weak spot of yours, very low and very nasty!

YADNBU, everything you have said is more than fair.

He sounds like a very very lazy father.

I think he's just trying to point the finger at you because he can't admit he's to blame

Firstly you offered him holiday contact via email months ago and a last min demand is totally unreasonable.

Talk to the school about the homework. Explain it won't be done on weekends she's with him and can they tell DD it's ok as otherwise she will stress.

Lastly how old is your DD? Can you train her up to do her own lunchbox?

Maybe you could ask DH to send you some spare clothes?

Just readMore of your posts. What a twat. Go to court. You can show your back dated email and explain you had no response so made plans. He wants you to put your life on hold for him.

Maybe you could ask DH to send you some spare clothes?

it is him. got the shirt.

its control.

He is a complete shit head and is manipulating you into keeping quiet for fear of being labelled with your mother's illness. I wouldn't push for him to have more contact. I'd let him arrange it if he can be arsed.

Does your dd enjoy her time with him?

What CeliaFate says, though I bet if you stopped pushing for contact, he would just not bother altogether-have seen it happen

He has said he'd always fight for contact to spite me. Plus his family are nice and normal (but blindly loyal to him) and he wants to see dd so he can keep up appearances of being super dad to them. Dd is only 6, so too small to sort her own lunch box - he wouldn't let her anyway. She doesn't enjoy her time there, is very emotional when she returns but has blind faith in him. She believes every lie he tells and is then let down time after time.

I've tried buying cheap versions of the coat etc but if I don't demand them back he just keeps them, and I can't afford a new coat, pair of shoes, lunch box, hat, scarf, gloves etc once or twice per month. It's snowing here today, if I hadn't argued for her things back yesterday she would've had to walk to school without her coat in the snow and he's willing to do that to her to get to me. He is a dick.

gas lighting, i''d say LTB, but you already did that. So well done you

ignore him and keep an eye on the way he treats your child.

I just really wish I'd left when I discovered I was pregnant. Dd deserves better. We went to mediation a few years ago and he pretends to be this charming, funny man and that I'm overprotective and melodramatic and he just makes my skin crawl. The things he did to me and in front of dd are despicable and I hate the thought of facing him in court but know I cannot be walked over and allow dd to suffer.

That's another typical behaviour though - being all charming and funny, etc. for the professionals. They'll have seen it a million times before. They know the signs. His behaviour is so obvious, it's textbook - and he doesn't even know it.

He's doing everything in his power to get to you - and it's working.

Keep everything in writing. When you discuss holiday dates, add something like "If you haven't confirmed your contact by XX XX XXXX, I'll assume you aren't seeing DD at all during the [half-term/Easter/Summer] holidays and will make other plans." Keep it totally objective - talk about the facts. Give deadlines. No emotion.

When he contacts you at the last minute to say he's collecting DD, you can quote previous emails. "As per my email dated XX XX XXXX you didn't respond with your details of contact, therefore we have made other plans. Let me know by XX XX XXXX if you'd like contact during next school holidays - which start on XX XX and finish on XX XX."

Talk to the school. Arrange a meeting with the head and just go and have a chat. Tell them how hard things are - you won't be the first person to have a knob of an ex. Just say that of course you'd like things to be amicable for the sake of your DD, but unfortunately they aren't and you need to make them aware of the situation - they will see from a chat that you're reasonable and in no way 'erratic' or 'acting demented' - ask if they can they suggest anything regarding her homework?

I have no idea what to suggest about the coat, shoes, etc. Except perhaps walk her to school in a different coat that you then take home with you when you drop her off on Friday (or let the teachers know she has to leave it in school over the weekend and use the one at her dad's while she's there) - sorry, crap suggestion. I do think though, the less you rise to it, the less he'll do it. Easier said than done when it's snowing, I know. The fucker.

Thanks Slim. In the original offer of holiday contact email I specified to reply by email by the end of January, as otherwise I would make other plans. Because he didn't respond about February, that also changes April because the original offer was 7 nights which is too much of a jump from 2 imo. Feb was meant to be 4 nights to build it up. He's said if I don't reinstate next week he'll take me to court. I'm going to reply and reiterate dates for the rest of the year, then ask him not to contact me unless urgent/about dd.

The only way around keeping things I can see is to stop school collection but think it's ridiculous that it should have to come to that.

He is a bully and will remain a bully. Work around him.

Buy a spare lunch box that you use for Mondays.

I know your DD is only 6, but could you help her remember a list of things that she needs to bring home with her? And tell her to gather them all up on Sunday and have them ready to bring with her?

Some of DDs friends have been very organised from a young age. Practice makes perfect. Praise her when she gets it right, but don't stress if she forgets something (at least not infront of your DD).

If he holds back stuff on purpose (after your DD has organised to bring it home), could you have a word with his family?

He keeps it on purpose, without a doubt. When I notice something is missing he smirks and says he'll see if and when he has time to return it and let me know. His family are loyal to him regardless, unfortunately.

he is setting up a legal defence does anyone hear him when he says these things? even if its only your lo it still counts obviously keep the proof you asked to be told by jan about holiday contact so you're covered there how old is your lo can she ask to do homework? with the clothing situation i agree get a cheap set and send her in those on a friday the lunchbox thing is just plain nasty does is she able to empty it at school?

let him take you to court and when you go say you asked him to take her more often but he refused you asked him to return her coat and he refused you asked him to reply by january and he didn't the one about the sickness is a good one because you're allowed to take your child out as long as it is not in school time and any parent knows that

PinkHardHat YANBU

Have a look at www.rightsofwomen.org.ukuk you can ring their helpline for advice about court/contact.

Maybe have a go a starting to get your DD to take some responsiblity at home - eg come hone from school and empty lunch box and put it by the kitchen sink.

My DS does this as part of his after school routine.

Or just send her with a carrier bag on a Friday?

With the non returned items use the broken record technique (Google it) do not be drawn into his attempts to make you doubt yourself. So DD needs her coat. Him blah blah whatever excuse. You. Yes DD needs her coat for school. Tomorrow morning DD needs to wear her school coat over her uniform.

This man is continuing his abuse via contact. I doubt he will be bothered with her if he cannot provoke a reaction from you.

dd and I had to flee to a hostel

then why are you pushing for more contact? Please don't think he won't be the same with her as he was/is with you. Leaving her to freeze in February just to get at you is getting at her . Please give up this idea that she needs her dad. You've got another at least 12 years of this - and do look ahead to how he'll manipulate her (to get at you) during her 'rebelious' teen years, when kids are surprisingly malleable.

perhaps you pushing for more contact makes sure he doesn't get more, as he will do the opposite of what you want. So maybe keep up the pretence that you're desperate for him to spend more time with her (to ensure this doesn't happen). But if you are going to cut him picking her up from school on Fridays then make up a lie about why this is. No point playing into his hands - he's goading you to get you to loose your rag/justify yourself.

STOP justifying yourself to him. He's a slimeball, the lowest of the low and he is having great fun winding you up and getting you in a tizz. Using your daughter to wind you up is not beneath him. He'll do worse if you let him, he gets off on it.

I thought of the carrier bag option but dd doesn't like the thought of going to his and the carrier bag at lunchtime is just another reminder that he's difficult.

I don't think she needs him at all springy. I'm not pushing for more contact, I offer it because if I don't he gets on his high horse about 'his rights' and demands it(yet has yet to have it) and if I offer it it looks good to court if we end up there plus she inevitably will get left with his parents anyway, because he can't be arsed.

btw get some more hats/gloves/scarves in charity shops? Kids' clothes are dead cheap and good quality.

Springy I've tried that, he just keeps shoes and coat as he knows they're less easy to replace!

I spoke to a solicitor this morning who said to go ahead and let him take me to court as I've done nothing wrongaand he'll look a fool for taking me to court when he's having contact and I'm offering more. He said to stop school collection if he forgets anything again.

oh he really is a slug isn't he.

Look at it that he's stealing your pawns, but you have the king, queen, bishops, etc. ie the big boys

I've said this many times on here but when I went to a support group for survivors of DV, we always ended up laughing our heads off at how absurd the games were. obviously we didn't laugh at the serious stuff (we were all too traumatised tbf) but we laughed until we cried at the ridiculous, petty stuff. It helped to put it into perspective, to see the absurdity of it. Black humour, probably, but it went a long way to minimising the fear.

Glad to hear your lawyer is well on your side. That's great.

Agree with what everyone has said. He's a bully. So sorry he's undermining you like this. Keep contact with him by email. Book your holiday plans and tell him he can have certain dates and that's that. Depending on the teacher I would maybe have a word that he's playing games. It would be great if a teacher told him off for not wrapping his daughter up properly. Arses like that are so polite and charming to other people though. Keep your chin up. Don't let this bastard grind you down.