To be annoyed with father in law (sorry a bit long but I needed to vent)

[Nocturne123]

Basically the issues started when my dd was born (9 months now) .

My father in law took it upon himself to take my newborn baby out of my arms on so many occasions that my dh had to tell him he was making me claustrophobic and that as a new mother I was very protective .He acted like a massive child and wouldn't speak to my dh for a couple of days after this .i didn't say anything myself as I thought this would cause more issues.

It calmed down slightly over the next couple of months but now every time we visit dh's parents fil takes dd away to another room to play with her by himself ! Nothing untoward at all just strange and quite rude ! Mil is lovely and will chat away to me and as such misses out on time with dd as fil seems obsessed!

Things came to a head yesterday when he actively took her to a different room when I walked in ! My dh knows it bothers me and he hates that I feel this way and that fil does this . He emotionally blackmails dh quite a lot which I absolutely hate !

Am I being completely unreasonable to resent this?

Very odd. I think you should either lock all of the other rooms when he visits (purely to see what he'll do - stand in the hall? Take her out into the garden?) or everyone get up theatrically, making as much noise and fuss as possible, and follow FIL into another room.

Though a more mature response would probably to look puzzled and ask whether he needs something when he heads off to another room, then ask him to bring her back as the other room is unheated/unbabyproofed.

The only problem with that is that as we're now at my mums for a whole we go to visit his house so I think they'd question my sanity if I started locking doors there

We just moved out of an apartment and tbh it was far better when he came there as there was nowhere to escape to ! Once we're in the new house I'll try and make most visits at my own house .

Ridiculous that this should have to even
Happen

I'd go with blunt: why do you keep taking DD to a different room FIL? What are you doing there?

It's weird and rude.

Hopalongon how I would love to
Say that !! Unfortunately I'd need to
Grow a huge set of balls first

I think puddock puts it really well. Don't have anything much to add to that, other than that you're not being unreasonable, OP, & that this won't improve until you, DH or ideally both of you together assert yourselves.

You both seem to find this very difficult - have you thought about buying a simple book about learning to express yourselves assertively? My DH did this to get some ideas when he was finding communication with his parents a bit tricky, & it's been really helpful to us both. Lots of the strategies it recommends - using "I" statements, not being drawn into self-justification etc., seem obvious when you read them but are proving surprisingly effective!

Loonvanboon - you're right we're both useless at things like this . But this has just gone on for too long and I'm going to have to bite the bullet and say something to dh and if that fails maybe act on it myself whether that is just taking her back !

Really helpful suggestions from everyone though , really appreciate it :)

Op your not being difficult in the slightest and I am sorry but a grown man insisting on whisking a baby away to another room, alone is not normal.

However doctor even if op was the most difficult woman in the whole world...it still doesn't diminish the point that a grown man has gone gaga over this baby.

Op it sounds un hinged to me. Very un hinged.

He sees her every week without fail but still said infront of dh that he didn't see her very much which made dh feel awful

I think you need to help your DH get some perspective on this, there is no set time or rule how often GP get to see GC and once a week is amazing, I only saw mine a couple of times a year as we lived a long way away and there were so many of us, I don't think they cared that much.

I don't feel like I missed out on one on one room time with my GF.

You need to get across to your DH that it not normal behaviour.

That it needs tackling and nipping the in the bud.

If you cant say anything yet, I would suggest you say to your DH that you are simply not going there.

If I were you, I wouldn't wait for your DH to say something, I would say something to FIL myself. You are a human being and the baby's mother and just as entitled to speak to FIL as DH is!

I thought Puddock put it perfectly:
next time you go, make it clear that you're going to all stay in one room. No need to get defensive or bring MIL into it, just make it clear how you'd like things to be. Be pleasant, be polite, but be prepared to leave if your wishes are not being respected.

"Excuse me, FIL, I would like DD to stay in this room with all of us, please. Thank you." And if he protests or tries to leave: "No, sorry, I'm not happy with that, stay in this room with DD please".

You don't have to say why, you are her mum. If he is so inconsiderate of your feelings, frankly he is not going to be inconsiderate of DD's feelings either. It's in her best interests to stay where you can see her. Your daughter is not an object to be shared round, she is a person too.

Arrgh I feel your pain you could be talking about my FIL. I am not an unassertive person but it is so hard to say anything as it is the controlling behaviour that is behind what he is doing that is wrong so he can just easily say something like, 'I was just showing her something' or even, 'I just wanted to spend a bit of time with her' and he'll sound reasonable because if a normal person was saying it it would be reasonable.
Also it can sound like you are implying something untoward is going on, I am now stuck in a situation where my DH thinks I am calling his father a child abuser because I feel so uncomfortable with how FIL is with my DD.

Would just not going be an option? Your DH has had a word and it did no good and changed nothing so why put yourself through the stress and worry of what to say and what his reaction might be.
When he ask's why you haven't been keeping up with the usual visits I would say someone who leaves a room everytime i enter it makes me feel very unwelcome.

Bumpkitty - exactly ! It can all seem
Reasonable if there was a toy or something in the other room but more often than not he takes her away to let her pull leaves off mils plants !

Id rather play here - you're right once a week is loads . I think my dh thinks it's unfair that dd sees my DM more as I am a sahm and she doesn't work until the afternoons so I do spend a lot of time with her , for a bit of company and support but that's just the way it is .

Feelinggrinchy - you're right she is a person too and I do hate seeing her being passed around like a parcel .

I honestly thought after the first time dh said something it would stop but it seems it fell on deaf ears . :(

If he is so inconsiderate of your feelings, frankly he is not going to be considerate of DD's feelings either

This is what concerns me when I hear of anyone riding so roughshod over parents feelings, what on earth are they going to do to the child's feelings...

I also hate this competitiveness between one set of Gps and the other.

My own PILS tried to pull this on us even though DC saw them regularly. AND and Fil admitted he rarely when to visit his own parents with the children so DH didn't know his paternal GP very well. They still moaned about my dp seeing dc...marginally more.

You need to start being firm yourself, I am sorry DH but we are not going there again until we have a plan to get this issue under control.

Then FIL really will have something to moan about, but as said before, i think its ab normal behaviour.

FWIW my DF has mobility issues and as such has never been alone with DC and lives a long way away, he has been very happy to sit at a table and paint with them, draw....with us all round...no complaints and if he has any...he has never voiced them.

I'd find the whole thing pretty creepy about taking the baby to another room! You just have to tell him yourself, as he clearly does not listen to his son.

I've occasionally said things to my FIL and it is like I've told off a child, he is so shocked at being confronted as nobody ever stands up to him.

Bump kitty I think that's the problem that nobody has ever said no to him before and when something was said he reacted like a spoilt child . Not very becoming for a man in his 50s .

I'd rather play here - that's exactly the way it should be re your df ! Happy to play away regardless of who
Is about .

Littleen - no he doesn't listen to his son and that annoys me a lot . He's a great parent and deserved some respect when he managed to speak on my behalf .

It's not so much creepy more completely selfish. I'd say it was like if I took a fun game round to their house and FIL wants all the fun to himself so, like a toddler would, he takes the game off so he doesn't have to share as he is the most important person so should get what he wants.

Bump kitty that sums it up ! Poor mil is too nice and polite so just spends time taking to me like a human being instead of obsessing over dd . Which isn't fair on her either but I guess that's their own issue to deal with .

OP - I don't know what to suggest as I haven't handled my situation very well. All I can say is that it does get a bit better in that DD can now say who she wants to play with and can get away from him herself! She much prefers her nanny (MIL) and her other Grandad - so it doesn't do them much good in the end :)

Thanks bump kitty - dd is the first gc too so I think that exacerbates the situation . I'm glad your situation eventually sorted itself out though .

op don't want to elaborate but definatly understand the situation. it gets better as soon as the child is mobile as kids move around constantly and you will find fil gets less keen if he had to keep chasing a toddler.

he's doing it to annoy you and it's control. he wants to be the popular grand parent. it won't work as kids don't work like this.

in the meantime I wouldn't visit them. make them come to you. if he starts to take her out say firmly no dd is staying in here. take her back off him. don't allow him control.

much easier in your own home.

another good trick is placing your chair blocking the exit. so you all settle in the one room and then you block the door. just don't move.

OP I find this weird too. If he continues after your dh has had a word then you must be clear with FIL, that it stops.

I would be upfront but speak lightly. So when he gets up to take baby out the room just say

"oh where are you taking baby fil [smile}"
If he says something along the lines of " just to play in other room"
the reply
" I'd like baby to stay in here with the rest of us please"
If he says I wont be long etc
reply
" As ive just said, I'd like her to stay in here with all of us"

If FIL persists then say "Dh has already explained that I feel uncomfortable with baby being taken away, Im happy for you to play with baby but there is no reason why you must take her out"

Whilst I prefer hopalongs suggestion, maybe you'd be more comfortable with what whiteblossom suggests.

YANBU, his behaviour is odd.

Or you could try something like "I'd rather she play here with all of us" if he persists step it up with something like "Please bring her back to the other room where we can all enjoy her".

I know its hard sometimes to 'confront' things like this but it sounds like you will (politely) have to.

Perhaps its good that you do? There are bound to be other times when you have to speak up about something that is happening regarding your baby and it will be good to have a warm up on your FIL.

Definitely jacknonereacher ! I'll just have to man up !

My Dad used to do exactly the same thing with dd1. Interesting you say your fil may be regretting not spending more time with your dh when he was a baby. I'm an only child and my parents had me when they were young which was very difficult for them. I know my Dad regrets not spending more time with me as a baby and feels he blinked and missed his only crack at 'the baby years'. Maybe this is why they do it.

It was very difficult for us but luckily for me my dh is quite blunt. He'd go and find Dad and fairly lightly ask him to bring dd1 back in so we could all play with her.

Once she got to about 2 it stopped because she was mobile, vocal and could express herself. I remember the last time he did it, we were all sitting on a steam train and Dad suddenly picked up dd1 and went and sat halfway down the carriage on his own with her. She immediately just slipped off the chair and raced back to us. He never tried it again.

Dd1 is now almost 10, my parents have returned to normal and thankfully that crazy babyhood phase is a distant memory.