To give these responses when my Swedish inlaws tell me how terrible reins are?

[ikeaismylocal]

Ds is a very active hooligan 13 month old. I was at a family gathering today and my dp's uncle said "it is contraversial but some blind parents use leads with their samll children!" I explained that in the UK leads (reins) are a pretty common parenting aid. My dp's uncle and aunt are blind and dp's aunt told a terrible story about how her ds was holding her hand and was spooked by a bus and ran off over a main road, she sat on the floor shouting what had happened and a passer by found her son and returned him to her, after that day they used reins, but it was clear that the family disaproved.

I said that I was thinking of getting some for ds as he is a really confident walker but he can't be trusted to not run away.

Their argument was this;

It limits your childs freedom
The alternative is sitting in the pushchair (Swedish kids stay in the pushchair until 4/5/6 I know a 7 year old who's parents push him about in a pushchair, he has no disabilities. Parents often buy a special big kids pushchair) The child being in a pushchair has no freedom, surely it is better to have limited freedom than no freedom.

leads are for dogs
Ds loves dogs, seeing a dog makes his day.

Ds will think he is a dog!
I don't believe ds has reasoning skills developed enough to think the dog has a lead, I have reins therefore I am a dog. Even if he did think like this he is just as likely to think I have brom hair, the dog has brown hair, therefore I am a dog. Ds doesn't know any of the cultural attitudes that we have about dogs.

Even if ds thinks he is a dog I have never met an adult who still thinks they are a dog because of early reins use.

It is wrong to restrin him
I pointed out that they strapped their kids into prams, highchairs, cars, kids living in cities can't be free range, it isn't safe.

Wibu I give these replies? They didn't end up convinced.

[Nanny0gg]

I like the fact that, when walking, you're not wrenching their arms out of their sockets holding their hands all the time. Or stretching them.

Yes, you can hold hands too, but you don't have to, so it's far more comfortable - you don't have to bend down either!

How is it more restricting than a buggy? I don't understand?

However, I'm happy to lend them my 2.5 year-old DGC who has screamed at the thought of a buggy for the last 6 months!
'Me walk! Me walk! Me WALK!'

[Nanny0gg]

Just seen that you're not supposed to shout.

Oops

[ikeaismylocal]

i think that maybe one of the reason kids are in pushchairs so long is because the parents travel free on the bus.

[cory]

These things come in fashions and fads. When my dc were little, reins were ok in Sweden, but not here. Now it's changed.

When dd was little the British health visitor was horrifed to hear that I let her come into my bed when she woke up in the night: I had to sell it to her as something that was acceptable "in my culture" (i.e. in Sweden). These days I see Mumsnetters talking about co-sleeping as if it were a perfectly natural thing. But 17 years ago, it didn't half raise some eyebrows at toddler group. People's attitudes about sleep training seemed pretty conformist to me as an outsider; they were all unanimous that I was doing the wrong thing.

It's just fads. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Pippilangstrompe]

I think it depends on a lot on where you live. I live in the countryside and haven't seen anyone with reins on their kids, but really there is no need. Kids roam free from they are small in a way I have never seen British kids do. There is a very strong culture all over Scandinavia for kids to be able to walk and play freely. Free play is considered vital to child development.

I wouldn't bother arguing this with your in-laws. There will be many things in your child's life that you will do differently than the Swedish way, and that is just fine. Your child is growing up experiencing two cultures and that is an incredible gift to give a child.

[BrandNewIggi]

I had mine on a wrist-link once and he still bolted - please be aware of how tightly you are holding them, if they slip through your fingers they are useless.
I'll be using an airport soon with 2 dcs and will certainly be bringing out the reins, ds2 hates holding hands and would probably end up on the runway if not restrained!

[SoulJacker]

Judging by your previous posts you're inlaws have some rather strange views, I'm not sure this has anything to do with their nationality however.

[SoulJacker]

*your

[justtoomessy]

I had those little life backpack reins for DS and he loved them. Meant he could walk everywhere and now at the age of 4 thinks nothing of walking for 2-3 hours at a time. Rather that than him being pushed around all the time and I rarely put my DS in a pushchair after the age of 2. Can'r believe they get pushed around and reined in at 7!

Your in-laws are bing idiots!

[LoonvanBoon]

Your points about reins are all very sensible, but I don't think it's a good idea to start defending all your parenting decisions to ILs in such detail. It rather gives the impression that you're required to defend those decisions, & that it's OK for the ILs to criticise.

The key point, as loads of other posters have said, is that it's your child & you make the decisions. All you need to say to your ILs is that you've decided that you're going to use reins. If questioned, just say: " I understand that you don't agree with the use of reins. We've decided we are going to use them". If they keep on, tell them to fuck off (or say politely that you're not going to discuss this any further).

[solveproblem]

I feel a need to defend my nationality here! I'm swedish and both my boys were out of their pushchairs by the time they were 2.5! Same went for most of the parents I knew.
I also used reigns on them but only at busy places such as airports, markets, shopping centres etc. No one has commented on the fact that I used them but no, it's not very common in Sweden.

We lived in Sweden until DS1 was 4 yo, then had DS2 who is now 3 yo so have parenting experience from both countries.

[MothratheMighty]

'I think it depends on a lot on where you live. I live in the countryside and haven't seen anyone with reins on their kids, but really there is no need. Kids roam free from they are small in a way I have never seen British kids do.'

Yes, I used to unleash my DS on the South Downs, and because he was used to walking everywhere, he could run for miles, but he was still visible.
If I lived in the middle of nowhere without heavy traffic and crowds, I probably wouldn't have used them either. But cities and towns in a densly populated area? reins.

[cory]

I think Loon's approach is right: don't explain, don't defend.

Of course it would be tempting to do sarcasm and tell them that "we're hoping to be able to hire him out to the police as a drug sniffer in a few years' time" or "we've just about to start training him to pull the sleigh". But better not.

[KayleeFrye]

Your inlaws are idiots if they think walking on reins is worse than being strapped in a pushchair after the child is capable of walking.

YANBU. Ignore them. Your child, your rules.

[WestieMamma]

Thanks to this thread DS will have reins when he's old enough. I'm in Sweden too and feel duty bound not to conform to Swedish pig~headedness. I'm a contrary sod like that.

[3littlefrogs]

A friend ran over and killed a toddler many years ago.
The inquest found that she was completely blameless.
She was driving carefully and well within the speed limit. The child ran out from between 2 parked cars. The child's mother was standing on the pavement chatting to another parent. The child didn't have a chance.
I was in my teens when this happened, but it made a huge impression on me. Such a senseless waste of a child's life. Friend had PTS for years afterwards. She couldn't get back in her car for months.The poor parents would never, ever get over it.

[specialsubject]

no idea what traffic levels are in Sweden, but in the UK a walking baby (which is what yours is) needs to be restrained. He has no traffic sense - funny that, at just over a year...

ignore.

[Littleen]

I think you're giving this far too much a "cultural" angle, as it's got nothing to do with swedish vs. uk. I know lots of people in uk, sweden and norway (where I'm from), that use reins on their kids. The majority I know do not and find it a bit silly, which is also the camp I'm in along with my english OH. It's simply a personal preference, and if you disagree with someone but still want to use it, go for it. Just don't get so offended, and don't blame it on them being from sweden, that's just ignorant!

[mum2bubble]

personally I don't think this is really a British vs Swedish debate, in my experience of both countries it is simply a reins vs no reins debate irrespective of where you live. There will always be those for and against them. Your in-laws take your Britishness as being the reason for some of you parenting choices, whereas in reality they may simply be differing choices. WestieMamma sorry you find Swedes to be so pig-headed, must be difficult for you to live in Sweden.

[ouryve]

Your responses are perfectly reasonable. The dog thing always makes me roll my eyes. If it's desirable to keep a dog safely restrained, why not a child who is too young or otherwise immature to have developed the impulse control to otherwise stay by your side?

There's also the issue that it's better physically for you and a small child, if you use a chest harness - if you hold a small child's wrist, you're likely to be bending awkwardly and putting a strain on the child's wrist and shoulder, which is good for neither of you.

[purplemurple1]

Oh dear - I live in Sweden and already have reins for when ds gets mobile - I remember liking mine as a toddler much better than being stuck in the pram.

It is strange to see big kids in prams and looks like such hard work for the parent.

I guess it will be another reason for the village gossips to talk about me.

[sashh]

One of my nieces pretended she was a dog for about 3 years, she doesn't think she is a dog now.

I also think reins are more likely to encourage a child to play at being a horse or one of santa's reindeer.

But anyway, play the culture card, tell them you will be considered a bad parent in the UK if you don't get any.

[WestieMamma]

Pig headed is probably the wrong word. I mean complete inability to comprehend things being done differently. It's not hard to live with, it's an endless source of entertainment. I love the fact that my neighbours think we're totally bonkers.

[ikeaismylocal]

In my experience I have found that in the UK some people do and some don't use reins, I worked with kids before ds was born and the older kids in prams was very common and I never ever saw a Swedish family use reins, but this is in central Stockholm so maybe it is different in other parts of the country, many people don't own a car so that (along with the free bus travel) could be a reason why in my experience pushchairs are used for longer.

I love that the Swedes are so comformist when the thing they are conforming to is something I agree with, it is hard work to constantly be the one who is breaking with the norm by breastfeeding an older child, doing baby led weaning, not giving a 4 month old liquid porridge at bedtime, having the occasional glass of wine whilst breast feeding. These in laws are lovely and I wasn't angry as such, just wanting some reasurance that my opinions were sensible but also that I wasn't really rude to them.

Our sleeping aragements and dressing my son in pink has raised eyebrows in the UK, I guess it is just the way things are when you live between 2 cultures.

[cory]

Basically, I think as a foreigner you need to distinguish between those areas where you do need to conform to fit in with other people and the areas which are your own private business.

So I accepted that my dc needed to wear school uniform (which my mother thought was a horrifying example of British conformism) but felt I could do what I liked about sleeping arrangements.

The truth is that there is much in any society that looks like mindless conformism if you look at it from the outside, but is just normal to the people who live in it and are used to it.