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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want distant relatives and not so close friends visiting this soon?

23 replies

cookiemonster5678 · 09/02/2014 13:12

I have a new baby, he is my first born too, only 3 weeks old.

I am finding it overwhelming how many people suddenly want to visit, when we barely see them! Some not even once a year! Why does it seem like some people insist on flocking around newborn babies !

My partner returned to work FT after paternity leave and weekends and evenings are now very important to us, we want to spend time together as WE wish to. I don't want to give up the little time we have as a family so soon, to accommodate visitors that we don't even see very often anyway!
When I'm at home with baby during the day isn't really good either, i barely have time to eat or shower right now, never mind have guests!

I would like to add that both our parents/brothers/sisters (basically those important and close to us) are very welcome and have spent plenty of time with us over the last 3 weeks, they are not the problem.

Im finding myself getting increasingly annoyed with people ringing up wanting to know when they can come, some even wanting to tell me when they intend to visit!! Why cant people bloody wait a few weeks and give us chance to find our feet and enjoy this special time?

I have tried lying about what we are doing to avoid more visitors, and said i would be in touch when things settle down but they still keep coming back wanting to know alternative times, some have just turned up uninvited! I haven't been honest because i don't want to offend people but I'm at my wits end now and dreading this afternoon because i felt pushed into agreeing to my second cousin coming over!

Any ideas on how to politely get the message across??? I will be happy to see people in time, but just 3 short weeks ago i had a traumatic labour that I'm still recovering from and now just want to enjoy my baby with my partner without having most of our time eaten up!!!!!!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2014 13:18

No is a complete sentence.

Yanbu, your baby, your rules.

Put a note on the front door saying "mummy and baby are sleeping, no visitors please" and take the phone off the hook

FoxesRevenge · 09/02/2014 13:21

Why do some people insist on descending on the new baby so soon. I know they're excited but they've waited months already, another week or so isn't going to hurt!

krasnayaploshad · 09/02/2014 13:30

YANBU
Congratulations on your new baby.
This happened to a good friend of mine. In the end her partner sent an email out to everyone stating that there would be no visitors for the next few weeks.
It worked.
You need to be firm. Just get your DH to tell everyone that you're very tired etc & there will be no visitors and you will be letting everyone know when you're ready. If you get anyone persisting, just keep repeating the message.
Some people need to be told more than once.

SantanaLopez · 09/02/2014 13:32

I know it's annoying but count to ten and think how lucky you are that they want to see you.

Then just tell them that you're having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the sleep deprivation, send them an email with sixty attachments of baby photos and tell them you'll be in touch.

Or, if you know they're just coming to be nosy gobshites, suffer them next week and be done with it, rather than having it drag on.

bragmatic · 09/02/2014 13:34

Don't answer the phone.

Nancy66 · 09/02/2014 13:35

New babies are lovely. They make everyone happy and everyone wants to coo over them. I see that may be inconvenient but there's no point getting stressed about it, they just want to see your lovely baby.

If the time isn't right, say so. Don't lie, just say you're absolutely exhausted at the moment and can we live it a while please? I'm sure people will understand.

CheesyBadger · 09/02/2014 13:36

I think you need to do what is right for you. I learnt that if you don't start as you mean to go on, you may feel pushed into all sorts.

Maybe say no but suggest a later date to put on the calendar. Or just no... your life and you need to do what you need now

squeakytoy · 09/02/2014 13:36

Difficult one I suppose.. Considering the number of threads you see on here from people moaning that none of their family are interested in seeing their child.

I would be flattered that people care enough about me to want to visit me and the baby. Just make it clear that the visit has to be a short one.

blahe · 09/02/2014 13:42

Answerphone for landline. Answerphone for mobile. Reply to texts and emails evasively.

Note on door as suggested previously.

littlemslazybones · 09/02/2014 13:47

I have a new baby. I'm finding visits harder now at 4 weeks than the early days. The fussiness has increased exponentially as the weeks have gone by to the point where I could count the time he is not feeding or fussing in minutes.

People might like new babies but mostly when they are sleeping. I have found very indescrete breastfeeding good for reducing visit times.

WeevilKnievel · 09/02/2014 14:14

I felt exactly the same and ended up having an ' open house afternoon ' with my third DC.
We did it on a Sunday afternoon, & told people they were free to call in anytime between 1-5pm and that there would be tea and cake ( with DH on refreshment detail)
A few people stayed for the duration, but mostly people popped in for an hour or so and it worked really well.
We had the Moses basket in the living room so people could coo over him while he slept and I breastfed under one of those cape things as I didn't fancy doing it with an audience!
It felt like a long day but then it was all done & dusted after that.

cingolimama · 09/02/2014 14:24

Weevil that's a brilliant idea! OP, YANBU, but as another poster has pointed out, babies make people happy. So please try to find a way to spread the joy without making yourself crazy. I honestly think people's expections are very low-key. They don't expect to be waited on, don't expect a big spread. Put out a plate of biscuits or some nice cheese and let the guests help themselves to tea and/or wine. They just want to see this wonderful new life, and to say congratulations. Let them. And bask in the glow that you created.

FryOneFatManic · 09/02/2014 15:27

Actually, there are some people out there who do expect to be waited on, as if they are somehow doing you a favour in visiting. Even when they know you had a CS only 2 weeks previously, as in my case. They even expected me to stop feeding the baby and get up to make a drink for them. These visitors got short shrift from me, but that's not always easy for others.

And while babies might make others feel happy, making other people feel happy isn't the OP's priority right now, she's got to do what's best for her and her baby.

ladyquinoa · 09/02/2014 15:44

Just day sorry you are too exhausted. If they go visit, point them in the direction if the kitchen and tell them to make you a cup of tea while they are there.

cingolimama · 09/02/2014 15:47

Oh Fry that's awful! Was that really your experience? Eeks!

Well, then perhaps I'm just extremely fortunate. I remember the time when I brought the baby home as absolute heaven. I was not expected to lift a finger except to take the plate of delicious food that some kind relative was holding out and lift said food into my gob. I was not expected to clean, cook, boil a kettle, nothing. I sat on the sofa while people fussed quietly around me. A cousin who had the unspeakable temerity to ask where I kept the sugar was given a sound talking to by my aunt "it's not her job right now to find the sugar! It's her job to rest, eat, and care for the bambino. It's our job to find the sugar, and be grateful and adore her". I'm weeping as I write this.

expatinscotland · 09/02/2014 15:57

Just tell them no! Send out a mass email. I had three children, but honestly, I wouldn't visit until invited because babies leave me cold these days. I'd send a gift and card and consider myself well out of it.

Do an open house or send a mass message via email or FB: no visitors!

Yep, loads of folks expect waited on.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2014 15:59

You will feel as you feel and you have every right to make arrangements that suit you.

However, don't begrudge the people who want to welcome your new DC to the world. There is something extra-special about a newborn.

Would you rather they were indifferent? (But definitely don't wait on them!)

expatinscotland · 09/02/2014 16:00

expatinscotland · 09/02/2014 16:01

I guess I'm the one who sees nothing extra-special. I'd be the indifferent one. But would send card and gift.

Musicaltheatremum · 09/02/2014 16:03

Say yes I'd love to see you. Here's the shopping list could you get this before you come or for those who turn up show them the ironing pile. For those who say "if there's anything we can do" have a list ready and give it to them. Washing, cleaning, cooking. They'll soon disappear.

KayleeFrye · 09/02/2014 16:44

YANBU at all OP, you insist on what is right for you at this difficult time. You can open up to more visitors when you feel ready.

BUT one suggestion for you - I agree that a general "no visitors" email is a good idea but you could perhaps send a slight variant to some of the recipients (who you would trust) saying: no visitors unless you:
(a) stay for no more than 90 minutes
(b) understand I am likely to be in pyjamas when you arrive and that you will be on baby-holding-duty, even if he is screaming the place down, while I shower and dress.
(c) bring a generous nutritious meal for everyone (including enough leftovers for some for the freezer) and fit preparation and clearing up of what you brought into your 90 minute slot.
Much though we love you, we can't cope with visitors that will take any energy at all to receive or take up time we need to spend on other things but if you do these things you will help to create the time we need for your visit to be welcome.

winterhat · 09/02/2014 16:48

Say you'd love to see them, so will look forward to them phoning back in May.

Pigeonhouse · 09/02/2014 17:12

Kaylee's sounds like a reasonable compromise, for the people that you might quite like to see if they were actually a help.

Otherwise, keep saying no. Let the answerphone screen calls, and don't answer the door unless you know it's someone you want to see. No one will consider it rude, as you have the ultimate excuse lying in your arms.

We didn't see anyone at all for three weeks after I had my son - not family, not friends, no one. We just nested.

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