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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is very shallow?

38 replies

barkinginessex · 09/02/2014 08:50

Bit of background, DPs friend has been single for 2 years, he won't go on dating websites and doesn't feel confident talking to women in bars, he'd rather meet someone through work or friends which I completely understand.
I work with a woman who is the same age as him, she's single, pretty, slim, stylish and friendly. I asked them both if they wanted to exchange numbers as I thought they might click.
DPs friend wanted a photo of her first before he would text her. I don't have a photo and she's not on Facebook but he said he trusted me to know his type so he texted her.
Fast forward to yesterday and I find out from DP that his friend has stopped texting her because of the photo she sent him of herself.
DP showed me the photo and whilst I agree it's not a flattering photo of her (a selfie - no one looks good in these right?) I think it's shallow to not even go on one date before deciding of he likes her or not.
It's also bugging me that DPs friend had forwarded to the photo to him and they were laughing about it, saying she looked like Miranda (she doesn't). Why do men act this way, normally his friend is lovely and I didn't think he was like this.
I've told my DP it's his friends loss and my friend is a real catch

OP posts:

Original poster

barkinginessex · 09/02/2014 10:52

They are both early 30's and really surprised by their behaviour as I didn't think they were like this. If he ever asks me again if I know any nice single women I will tell him to f* right off!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2014 10:55

Or say, yes I do, but I don't know any nice, single blokes to introduce them to....

CoffeeTea103 · 09/02/2014 10:58

Yanbu about the laughing, that's immature, but I understand why he would want to see a photo. If she doesn't appeal to him saves him the trouble of going through meeting her and letting her down.

Catsmamma · 09/02/2014 11:02

it's suddenly MUCH less of a mystery why he is single.

whoislester · 09/02/2014 11:06

EXCEPT... what if he saw her and thought that she was out of his league. i know my DH uses humour when he is uncomfortable and maybe thats why he joked with your DP

Maybe he is just scared of rejection AGAIN.

dating is hard when you are no longer a teenager!

HazleNutt · 09/02/2014 11:07

I have a friend like this - he only wants to date amazingly beautiful and extremely slim women in their early 20s. Trouble is that he's an average looking man in his late 40s. He's rich though, so every now and then he finds a girl who is happy to be bought drinks for a while, but surprisingly, those relationships never last past the 2-week mark. He'd be a lot happier with more realistic expectations..

puddingsforsandy · 09/02/2014 11:13

Why are people saying "that's why he is single" like being single is the worst thing ever? as if being single equals to someone having something wrong with them.

CeliaFate · 09/02/2014 11:20

I didn't mean that at all, puddingsforsandy. I meant that's why he isn't in a relationship when he wants to be. Nothing wrong with being single if you want it, but he's looking for a date/relationship and his shallow, crass behaviour would alienate any decent woman.

lifesgreatquestions · 09/02/2014 11:27

Everyone has their criteria - he wants a partner who matches a certain physical description, some people only want partners who have jobs that are deemed a sign of "success" or who have money. These are not my criteria but I am not shocked when I hear about it, and I know I have my own (I only dated men whose jobs were deemed "meaningful" by me). As for you and your friend, it's put you in a tricky position with her and your OH... as you say, lesson learned.

carabos · 09/02/2014 11:29

I don't think it's a bad thing to hold out for what you want. If an ugly man only wants to date beautiful women, then that's up to him. It's only him who has to deal with the disappointment of knock backs. It doesn't make it wrong of him to want it in the first place.

Are we really saying that nobody should dare to aspire to an aesthetic in their partner that they don't have themselves?

I agree that laughing about it behind her back is nasty however. All he needed to say was "sorry, not my type, I don't fancy her based on that pic and don't want to take it any further". He doesn't have to be her friend.

Belacoros · 09/02/2014 13:12

He's single, not broken. Stop trying to fix him.

Littleen · 09/02/2014 21:44

His loss! I think it's fair not to continue dating someone you don't find attractive, but to dismiss even one date due to a bad picture is shallow. If you meet someone and find them irresistably charming, it doesnt matter how they look, they will be attractive anyway!

LessMissAbs · 09/02/2014 21:50

The laughing together at her photo is just awful. However I don't think turning down someone because you aren't attracted to them physically is shallow.

I don't think you have to meet someone to know that for sure. I remember being single and looking online and my heart just sinking from looking at the photos of some of the men who messaged me. There was no way it would ever work, no matter how "nice" they are.

I actually think physical attraction is a very honest thing. Its more honest than marrying someone for money, or for them to provide a lifestyle, which is what a lot of people do.

Perhaps he is just fussy and wants to be hit by a lightning bolt and fall in love. And you know, I think there is nothing wrong with that. It might not happen for him, so he can just remain single. How is that more shallow than getting together with the wrong person and forcing yourself to stay with them in an unsatisfactory relationship just for the sake of no longer being single?

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