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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's unfair this guy has been given the desk next to me?

42 replies

AroundTheGlobe · 07/02/2014 20:30

I've been at my workplace for around 10 months now, when I first started this guy asked me to be his date for a work event. I apologised and said that actually I wasn't going but thanks for asking. He was quite nice up until that point and from then on we have just clashed.

I would never speak to him about personal things about my life but he decided to say I was mardy and that's why I didn't have a man (I was with someone at that point so just shows how he doesn't know me). That we were having a group conversation, I asked a really basic ordinary question and he turned to me and said - "who's involving you?" just to make people laugh at how blunt he was.

Said another rude comment about me to the point that it made 3 women colleagues who overheard him pull this face - . Logged into the new starters computer (when I was off work) and sent an email to me saying that he had missed me,I was pretty and he really liked me. I definitely don't think I'm pretty at all but ... the email was not an obvious joke, and I replied back that it was nice of him to say that. Which then made newstarter realise he was hacked - thus making it very awkward between us.

He also said a really vulgar comment about me being desperate for sex. At that point I got up and went to the toilet and just cried. That is the only time I have ever cried at work.

And honestly I can take a joke and don't want to come across as a sensitive soul. I can take banter and jokes about myself when it's done in good humour but I just can't see the funny side of his actions towards me.

There is an empty desk next to me and for the last month he has been threatening to move there, I have made it very clear to him and the assistant manager that I don't want that to happen (there are other free desks). My manager had been off since Christmas, came back and moved him. I literally came this week and he had moved.

I literally can't take it and I'm so unhappy being sat there. My manger is well aware of this and today we had a one to one session (everyone had one) and then she asked was I coping, I said not really. I asked if he could be moved to the other spare desk just 3 down from where he is now sat and was told that no this in unfair on him.

Aibu to think I was sat there first and I shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour like this and be made to feel upset and down every time I come into work?

OP posts:

cerealqueen · 08/02/2014 00:47

YANBU. You are being harassed by this man and now being treated unfairly bordering on being bullied by your manager. Seek advice, as others have said.

Ragglefrock · 08/02/2014 01:43

I agree with Laurie Fairy Cakes this is not a clash - he is sexually harassing you - a clash would imply some blame or responsibility on your side when you are not to blame and are the innocent party. Don't use clash!
Good luck op - he's a weirdo scum bag - and very creepy.

caruthers · 08/02/2014 01:52

Don't fall for the "They're both as bad as each other" routine some HR and managerial depts come out with.

Stand your ground you don't deserve this.

GhettoPrincess001 · 08/02/2014 02:47

Detail everything you have written here to your H.R. Department, inclusive of dates, (if you have an H.R. Dept).

Certainly tell your boss that you are taking out a grievance. That is, IF you are taking a grievance. Is the grievance about him/his behaviour or about him being seated next to you ? What do you hope to gain or solve from the grievance ?

Don't forget, he's got his rights too. So you might have to cope with him taking a similar grievance against you. Even if it's on a 'two can play at the game', basis. Or him just escalating his behaviour. Unfortunately if he's a man with a woman's temperament, he's going to just love the attention of winding you up even more. Just 'steel' yourself for him laughing in your face when he hears that you are taking out a grievance against him. That is, IF, you take that course of action.

Can you ask your boss outright why it was agreed for him to sit Right. Next. To. You ? Who's idea was it ? Is it to do with workload ?

bolak · 08/02/2014 02:49

you need to get over yourself honey you are not all that like you think you are and I hope my beautiful children grow up with more self awareness than you show.

GhettoPrincess001 · 08/02/2014 03:10

Thanks bollock - really helpful - really supportive. I should imagine that's the attitude of the bloke that is harassing her too.

OP - let me give you the best piece of advice that my father ever gave to me, 'Don't let the bastards grind you down'

bolak · 08/02/2014 03:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

echt · 08/02/2014 03:39

Reported.

caruthers · 08/02/2014 03:42

Stating the obvious.

olidusUrsus · 08/02/2014 03:47

I'd move desks. If he asks or makes jokes about why just blank him. Meanwhile pursue harassment.

krasnayaploshad · 08/02/2014 09:01

OP, you mentioned that most of his behaviour got brushed aside as "that's just his sense of humour". That is irrelevant, how the behaviour makes you feel is important. Here is the EHRC defn of sexual harrassment:

If the conduct is of a sexual nature, this is unlawful in itself and you do not have to compare yourself to how somebody of the opposite sex would be treated. This could include:

Comments about the way you look which you find demeaning
Indecent remarks
Questions about your sex life
Sexual demands by a member of your own or the opposite sex

Incidents involving touching and other physical threats are criminal offences and should also be reported to the police.

Again, the conduct must be done with the purpose of, or have the effect of, violating your dignity, or of creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for you.

You will also have a claim for harassment if your employer treats you less favourably because you have rejected, or submitted to, either form of harassment described above.

(I added the bold)

OP, this man is sexually harassing you. I would suggest obtaining a copy of your company sexual harassment policy & use that along with your evidence in any discussions with your manager or HR. It will then be difficult for them to argue "it's just his sense of humour"

ChasedByBees · 08/02/2014 09:14

This is absolutely sexual harassment and you could have a strong case against him (and your manager if they continue like this).

I can't get over how stupid and ignorant of the law your manager is. Definitely drop the 'we clash' language. You do not clash, you are being harassed in an unlawful manner and your manager is facilitating it. Do you have a union?

GhettoPrincess001 · 08/02/2014 09:20

echt - thanks you. My fault for feeding the troll.

Anyway, back on topic

FudgefaceMcZ · 08/02/2014 09:24

That's very obvious harassment and your manager has a responsibility to sort it out otherwise if you end up leaving it will be constructive dismissal. Since there is really obvious evidence, the email being a major one, and the colleagues who have witnessed it, go straight into your formal complaints procedure (dunno how far you have got into this already, but there will be a procedure which your manager can't just ignore as they seem to be ignoring informal discussion). You should not have to deal with this at work (or indeed anywhere) :(

SolomanDaisy · 08/02/2014 09:26

Your manager is useless and the man is sexually harrassing you. You need to involve HR and start keeping a log.

BlueStones · 08/02/2014 10:39

"... if he's a man with a woman's temperament ...'" - did I read that correctly, ghetto?

OP, I agree that this is sustained sexual bullying. Go to HR, take it as far as you have to. You have the right to feel safe and calm at work, as much as anywhere else.

HollaAtMeBaby · 08/02/2014 15:00

Agree: sexual harassment/bullying. Complain and don't back down.

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