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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want to look after her 2 kids?

90 replies

PuddleCuddle · 06/02/2014 15:24

Have known this friend for a few years now and it seems like whenever she is contacting me it is because there is a favour she will ask for.
She has 2 kids and works weekends and her DP is away on weekends quite a lot so most of the time not there to look after kids.
I have every sympathy for her it is must be tough having 2 with no family support. Initially I have done things for her like take her to XYZ because she doesn't drive. I looked after her kids ONCE and after that swore I will never do it again as within those 2-3 hours ALL of the toys were scattered on the floor and her eldest (4 at the time) was trying to get in the fridge and office even when I told him not to. I found it very stressful and spent 2 hours tidying up afterwards as I am not exaggerating, every single toy was out!

I know she has been relying on her other friends a lot for providing childcare while she is working. I saw her recently and from what she said I suspect she is going to ask me to look after them sometime very soon. And not for just a few hours (which I am still reluctant to do given my experience) but for a whole long day! I have a 4 y/o myself and work full time (but not weekends). On one hand I feel like a mean bitch refusing to help her out but on the other hand why do I have to sacrifice my weekend and rest to enable somebody to work?? Surely it is between her and her DP to sort out the childcare! I get the feeling her DP is of the view that her friends are always there to jump in and that that's how it should be. She once asked me to look after the youngest on Sat because her DP wanted to go play football and while the older boy was ok to go with dad the younger one was too small! I did refuse rather angrily on that occasion stating that I would like to have some rest myself!

She had a babysitter looking after them once but that was too expensive apparently...

I do like the kids but that doesn't mean I am happy to have 3 to look after instead of my own 1!

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Mim78 · 07/02/2014 10:56

I think they need to sort out paid childcare as it is such a regular thing.

asking friends should be for one off/ emergencies. Sounds like the lack of regular routine is affecting the kids behaviour too.

So yanbu.

For what it's worth I hate llooking after other people's too. I am not a natural with kids and findnd it v different to caring for my own.

ZenNudist · 07/02/2014 11:00

I'm happy to do occasional few hours to help out a friend if its one of my dc's friends. A whole day, no. I'd expect the favour to be one off, for good reason & reciprocated.

whatever5 · 07/02/2014 11:08

It doesn't sound as if you are used to coping with children. If you would find it too much, you should just say no. I don't think she is unreasonable to ask on the odd occasion though. It's not as if you look after them all the time. You have only done it once.

Original poster
PuddleCuddle · 07/02/2014 11:20

JRmumma, she asked me quite a few times and after having agreed to do it once I felt like 90% of comms between us were there because she knew I am there to do favour for her when she needs it. It just feels that way. I babysat in my house that one time and since then have been finding excuses to refuse especially after the piss taking text asking to mind the youngest because her P wants to enjoy himself and play football!
I did look after them on a few occasions afterwards but made every effort its not at home, e.g. dropped her off to wherever she needed to go and took them to a park for hour or so. Or took us all to a soft play centre near to a place she needed to go and thus only had to look after them for hour while she was out.
I know for a fact that she is having one friend or another looking after kids every weekend while she works. And we are not talking about 2-3 hours here but full 8-10 hour days! Like I said she had a babysitter once who charged her a reduced fee but she was complaining that was still more than she earned in a day I understand totally how frustrating that is but hello, if thats the case you need to talk to your DP and find a way! She knows that her DP cannot be relied on to be around on weekends due to his job schedule so yes, she/they know this is going to be an issue in the future. And I feel they should plan around it as I dont know how her other friends agree to do it but I would be mightily pissed off if I had to babysit 2 kids (no matter how lovely) on a semi-regular basis and for free
I guess I am annoyed at the fact that while she asks for favours she is not that forthcoming with giving something back, e.g. inviting me&DS over to play or go to a park or some simple things like that. It just feels unequal to me and I cant shake off this feeling of being used. I dont think her DP likes me that much (after I once confronted him re his views that because he works out of home all to do with home is womans responsibility) and to be honest I dont like him that much either. I know the relationship is between me and her and shouldnt be affected by her DPs attitudes but unfortunately it is because I think he is the type of person who would take a piss and use you if he could so by proxy she is tainted by that as well

OP posts:
Gladvent · 07/02/2014 11:25

I don't mind helping out a friend who needs to work/rest/relax/whatever if they have a DP who needs to be at work.

But I do mind enabling a friend's partner to be a selfish fuckwit.

Not sure which it is in this case but remember the MN line 'no is a complete sentence'.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 07/02/2014 11:37

Problem is, if you don't enable the selfish fuckwit, friend is the one picking up the tab. I would help anyone with childcare, at anytime, if I possibly could without ever expecting reciprocity; precisely because I know what a fucker the cost of childcare is/how hard it is to manage irregular arrangements.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 07/02/2014 11:49

Reciprocal childcare/ermergencies/one of favours is one thing. Being used for free childcare (unless you've offered) is another.

The other factor is how you can cope. Making a sweeping generalisation, I find that my friends who have more than one DC take another couple in their stride, whereas those with just one find it very hard work. To some extent, the reason they have chosen to have just one DC is that that is what they are able to cope with.

Don't feel guilty saying no.

bigbadbarry · 07/02/2014 13:05

I think the key is that it needs to be reciprocal. My DH is away a lot and I have a lovely group of friends who help out with school runs etc if one of mine is poorly or whatever (note: this is occasional emergency care not regular weekly childcare!). Some even had all three DDs for 3 nights (so I could attend a family funeral). But I make damn sure my house is stuffed full of their children when DH is here and I always offer for parents evenings and so forth.

ProphetOfDoom · 07/02/2014 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helenthemadex · 07/02/2014 17:30

I will happily help friends out but this is reciprocated I know that they would help me out as well, this person is a user and is abusing peoples good nature sooner or later they will get fed up, if you say yes she will move on to you and expect you to do more, say no

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 10:32

You say that 90% of the communication between you is about her asking favours? This is not a friendship. Just continue saying no.

pictish · 08/02/2014 10:45

My desire to look after other people's children, even for a few hours is zero, so I sympathise with you. If a good friend was truly stuck once or twice, of course I would gladly lend a hand, and would put in the effort to make sure they had a brilliant time with us, but as a regular or frequent thing? No... not on your nelly! And for a whole 8-10 hour days? hollow laughter

I would say no, and keep saying no...to the point where she would regard asking me as a waste of time and give up viewing me as an option.

I am a good friend in lots of ways, but not as child care. I have three of my own to wrestle with thanks.

IDontDoIroning · 08/02/2014 10:52

It's one thing helping/ or asking someone to help you out as a one off in an emergency but another thing planning you and your partners work commitments based on friends giving you free child care.

All those posters saying they would help out - really would you ? As a long term regular commitment really ?

I could understand if it was a really close family member or dear close friend in extreme circumstances but for a less than close friend who could get child care or change her or her partners work patterns but chooses not, and doesn't offer you anything in return ie a days child care or an evening babysitting. No !

Yes child care is expensive and not everyone has dp or dpil to do free child care but her life is her responsibility not yours.

If you are a working parent or a sahp you make arrangements in your life/work to meet the costs of your family (house bills car clothes food etc) and balance your work /money leisure time and family time to best meet the needs of your own family. It's usual for both parents to manage their work and free time as a balance. Sometimes something has to give and one or both make compromises.

Why should you then sacrifice your free family time so that someone else and their partner can earn money or so that they can work and their partner can have their free time and so that they don't have to make the choices and work life balances that you have.

OP you have chosen to work in the week so your weekends are your time with your family to do what you want to do even if it's spending the day under a duvet watching DVDs it's your life and your and your dc time together.

OP say no and don't feel guilty. If she gets some other mugs to do it for her then that's their look out you.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 15:23

It isn't't even so the partner can work but to allow him to 'go away' and enjoy the football. Fuck that.

bakingtins · 08/02/2014 15:45

I was thinking of posting something similar, been asked by a friend to do a whole day once a month for her 2 yr old (with other friends and rellies doing a day the other weeks) We've done a lot of reciprocal childcare for an hour or two in the past but she has now moved away, travelling back to near me for work, so there is zero chance of her reciprocating. I said I don't mind doing it once or twice but not as an ongoing arrangement. I don't think it's reasonable to use friends as a regular substitute for childcare so you can work.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/02/2014 15:52

If she asks you, just say no you can't.
She has a cheek asking anyway. I'm sure many would want free childcare to enable them to work, but that's not how life is.
Tell her you are sorry, but your weekends are for you and your dc as you work full time during the week.
If you are honest with her and direct, she won't ask again.

Damnautocorrect · 08/02/2014 18:19

I'd do it as an emergency but if she's working she needs proper childcare in the same way a week worker would.

FloppyRagdoll · 08/02/2014 19:30

YANBU. I used to look after an acquaintance's daughter once a week from 2pm till 6pm. Actually, it was more than "looking after": we live in a foreign country. The child had been born in the US and so had US citizenship; and acquaintance wanted me and my family (one of my DCs was the same age) to give her lots of English language input. The deal was that acquaintance would babysit for us in exchange. My looking after her daughter enabled her to work an afternoon as a pharmacist. (She had other arrangements for the other sessions she worked - none of them involved paying anyone for child care.)

In practice, this arrangement ran for a year. (I didn't have the daughter every single week, as sometimes she wouldn't want to come; the amount of notice given was minimal, though, so I had no chance to arrange anything else for those afternoons.) During that year, the acquaintance managed to babysit for us twice. Once, she arrived so late that we were late for the theatre date we had arranged. On the second occasion, we had gone to a friend's place for dinner. The deal was we would be back by 11pm. (She was supposed to come at 7, but in fact arrived at 7:30.) At 10pm we got a call demanding that we come home straight away, as her husband had called her to say that her DD was fretting. On three other occasions, she had agreed to babysit, but either cancelled at very short notice or, on one occasion, called us about half an hour before she had been due to arrive to say she couldn't come after all.

The arrangement came to an end when we moved house - she took huge offence at our decision to move 20 miles out of town (she also lived out of town, about 10 miles in the other direction), even though we told her as soon as we had arranged the move - she had about three months' notice. The last day I looked after her daughter, she said that she was not at all happy that the arrangement couldn't continue; that I had really let her down; but that she would of course honour her obligations to babysit for us, even though it would be hugely inconvenient to her. Not once did she ever babysit for us after that.

I am still scraping the word "mug" off my forehead...

Original poster
PuddleCuddle · 14/03/2014 08:15

Back to update... I got the inevitable ask for favour yesterday. It's funny because she saw I was at home (lives near by) and invited to pop over. As it happened I couldn't and then 10 mins later got the text asking if I could look after her 2 this sat... So pretty obvious why she was inviting me to pop over, to find out what I'm doing on sat and then ask...

She said sorry for asking but apparently she was desperate as exhausted all other options and no-one else was available to do it (why does that not surprise me?). But all I can think of is that all the drama and desperation is not necessary because she has been working weekends for a while now and the need for childcare is obvious, it's not like there's an emergency or unexpected change of circumstances...

Another funny thing is that we were supposed to meet up today in the afternoon so that kids can play but she has now cancelled that... I wonder if she'd done it had I agreed to do childminding on sat?... Oh, and btw, childminding on sat would be from 5AM... just the time i want to get up on sat after having had 5 days of waking up at 5.50am and going to work... Arrrrgh.

OP posts:
DroothyNeebor · 14/03/2014 08:29

Say no.
Stick to it.

fingerlicking · 14/03/2014 08:55

YANBU - friends help in an emergency. They are not regular childcare. She should not take a job at a weekend without organising regular childcare, rather than relying upon the generosity of a selection of friends.

I have a friend who took a job on as a cleaner 3 days a week, 4 hours a day. When asked what she would do with her twins during school holidays (age 6), she said they would go on 'play dates' with their friends.

To me that is taking the piss.

YouTheCat · 14/03/2014 09:13

Good for you for sticking to your guns, OP.

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 14/03/2014 09:20

Shock how did you turn her down? Did she argue? She's got some nerve.

shewhowines · 14/03/2014 09:24

well done for saying no

Only1scoop · 14/03/2014 09:26

Just as you suspected Op....stick to your guns....