To think fair is not always equitable?

[BuggersMuddle]

I've been reading quite a few threads about how couples manage their budgets with interest. We're always had what I'd guess is one of the two mumsnet 'ideals' (the other being completely pooled finances). Essentially we have the same 'spends' left each month after bills and joint savings.

I've now been thinking that I'm actually not doing particularly well out of this arrangement as DP clearly has more cash left than me. Reason being, he works in an industry where casual clothing is the norm, has hardly any commuting costs and does his own hair.

I work in an industry where good quality suits are the norm, dry cleaning bills are a fact of life and hair cuts and make-up are expected. I also do more miles in the car, buy more petrol etc. I totted up my extra expenses and reckon I'm down by at least £100 a month, probably closer to £150.

To avoid drip feed, the catalyst for this was an essential personal expense that came up unexpectedly (potentially totalled car through no fault of my own). DP was adamant this was my responsibility in totality and I was as he has been able to source cars at knock down prices due to family (this isn't open to me at this point in time).

AIBU to think that if he's going to be so rigid about things being 'equitable' then I ought to budget every last bit of my additional expenses and agree that it either comes out of the joint account or that my 'allowance' is bigger to take my costs into account?

To be honest I can't believe I'm even asking this question, because I'm not exactly on the fucking breadline, but surely a bit of give and take is normal even if there is 'equity' in personal money?

In other words, if we went boyfriend / girlfriend, per a previous poster, he'd be shopping in M&S and I'd either be really well off, or indulging my love of Gucci shoes. In practice, we both prefer to pay down the mortgage

Time to renegotiate! I may be reading this wrong, but he won't let your car expenses come out of pooled money as that would cut his disposable income? The disposable income your salary underwrites?

I think he's being a money grabbing twat I'm afraid. Sorry

and that's why your cross

You're even.

You're right not that's why I'm cross, but I question if I ought to be, since I set this 'equitable' arrangement up when I was lower earner and knew with certainty I'd overtake him in short order. This was about 10 years ago... (His DPs are very unequal money wise, although this has improved over the years. Even still, rest assured his DM has no control over rental property purchase, new cars, etc. etc.)

We had the same commute and similar jobs though - things were different. He wanted me to make a shedload of money because I don't 'love' my job. I pursued it, but the consequences include hours, location, attire. He is not best at picking up ongoing housework (but great at deep cleans which ica with), but we need work done before we can employ a cleaner (which we can afford and am keen to pursue with my working week / travel).

Sounds to me you need to sit down and really talk. It seems like there are a few other things that you are unhappy with. A partnership has to be a team game, but you do need to figure out how you play it together (your views may not be his!) Things change and he can surely see that.

A would also ignore how his DP conduct themselves, your actions don't repair his DF's.

Money is always difficult, I think having the same sort of attitude makes it much easier. Do you share the same outlook (saving, spending, value v's quality, treats v's austerity - that sort of thing)?

FWIW I'm a chuck it all in a pot and we just spend what we want (consultation for bigger things), but that's easy when we are both the same with money. I'd never come home to find my DH had bought a new bike or similar or Vice versa. It did however take redundancy (his) to move us to this, he was resistant although we earned the same.
He earns more than me now but I look after OUR children part of the time. Before I reduced my hours I earned more than him for a period. I really didn't care. Sorry not meaning to lecture, but writing this makes me wonder why your DP is being so concerned about HIS slice.... red flag? Not sure?

Unless we were on the breadline I cannot imagine putting ourselves through the tedium of costing everything then allocating it. Life's too short! If you are a family put it all in the pot spend what you need and talk about bigger expenses.

buggers - my DH earns about £350 a month more than me, however we still put an equal share into the joint account each month so a higher % of my wage goes in then goes in of his. We have worked out the exact monthly cost of our house which we then make sure is in the account and we also overpay this amount by about £250 so we know we have some leeway if any household emergencies arise. I have never really quibbled over the fact I contribute a higher % age of my wage than he does! despite being the lower earner! though he knows this will be changing now as I start Maternity Leave in 3 weeks.

Once all my personal direct debits leave my account I have about £400 a month to do as I wish with. I usually put £200 in my savings account and the remaining £200 I use to spend on various things.

When DH has paid his contribution to the Joint Account he has quite a substantial amount left over but his personal direct debit costs far outweigh mine. He has lots of expensively, i.e he likes his fancy car which he pays monthly for, he has an expensive gym membership, he is part of sports clubs which have to be paid for, he spends over three times as much money on petrol than me (partly work, partly social life) and he is also paying off a personal loan. Even though he earns more and pays a smaller %age into the joint pot, by the time he has paid his direct debits he probably has less personal expenditure money than I do.

Before I return to work we will be having a sit down and a serious talk about how we are going to review the management of our finances because our monthly joint income will decrease by about £700 (taking into account the drop in my wage due to reduced hours and then the cost of childcare on top).

A real family does not have this problem. In 25 years of marriage we have never had his and hers, just ours. It's a bit like the old Communist ideal:"To each according to need; from each according to ability." My dh and I each want the other to have what they want/need and would do or give whatever was required.
At different times one or other of us has been the higher earner, we have never been rich in money (5dc between us) but we are comfortable. We try to think of the other's comfort, safety, happiness. When I wanted a new car to cope with a 120 mile round trip we bought one and he made do with a little old one. When we retired I knew he had always wanted a narrowboat so we pooled our lump sums. Now all the dc are grown up, married with dc of their own (all manage their finances as we do) and we have no savings, no debts and are very happy. Your problem isn't money itself but the importance you and your dp have allowed it to take in what sounds like a very cold relationship.

yanbu, the opposite in fact. Based on need not want.

I don't see the big deal either. Haircuts certainly are necessities in this house, as is clothes, and not out of our personal spend.

I get my hair cut and coloured, I shave his head! He has 3 times the amount of clothing I do. Neither if us take the piss so there's no need to penny pinch. If he or I took the piss, perhaps things wouldn't be so easy and relaxed.

So you choose to spend your money on suits and evening wear (how many of each do you need BTW?) and he chooses to not spend it on clothes, but on gadgets.

Buy fewer clothes & more gadgets yourself? Or just go the whole hog & totally pool your money & both take out what you need, when you need it....

thegreylady 'a real family' - really? That's quite offensive to be honest.

As I mentioned in my OP there was a catalyst for this - it's not longstanding. Why would I have been surprised by the assumption if this was the norm?

So you bring in more money but have higher expenses in order to bring in more money?

He wants a share in the "more money" but not in the related "higher expenses"?

hmmmmmmm

So once I stopped being pissed about the car I realise IWB a bit unreasonable (no need for tit for tat) but not entirely (I am in the right about the car).

We had a chat and have agreed to make far more things joint and both put more in the joint account so that it covers our living expenses not just our joint ones. This will include transport!

I'm actually quite glad because we are comfortably off so I have no interest in sitting down working out a clothing budget and all that faff - I was just pissed off and maybe a wee bit ranty

LOL, excellent. It does make sense to put travel & work costs in the pool...

Yey, talking wins again :-)