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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want more children?

52 replies

Esmatilda · 04/02/2014 21:29

We have two adorable little girls - 2 1/2 years and 9 months. I'm 35 and feel our family is complete but DH told me today that we will definitely be having another child. I suspect that he would like a DS to carry on his name but for a number of reasons (including financial, house/car size, no family near by, etc.) I want to stop where we are and enjoy the family. His argument is that if I don't want to give him another child then he will find a woman who will. AIBU to not want more children?

OP posts:

Mimishimi · 04/02/2014 22:14

Wow. He'll find another woman who will? I bet you feel so special right now. The big problem is not about another child IMHO.

specialsubject · 04/02/2014 22:14

hmm, should really have discussed this earlier...

The person who doesn't want more kids trumps the one who does - every child a wanted child. There's no compromise here so one of you will have to back down, or you split up.

telling you to breed doesn't work outside the mormons!

fluterby · 04/02/2014 22:15

Can't comprehend this at all. What planet is he on? You can't force the issue.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2014 22:17

I'd show him the door.

Mim78 · 04/02/2014 22:25

I can understand him maybe saying "I would like to have a third" but find it really hard to believe anyone would say what is reported in the OP, I.e. "we are having a third or I'll find someone else".

It is true there was a woman on here a while ago saying should she leave her husband because he didn't want a third while she was desperate for one, but to be fair she didn't say she had spoken to him like this and the advice was comprehensively that she had to learn to live with the fact their family was complete.

Topaz25 · 04/02/2014 23:52

YADNBU, LTB.

MrsCakesPremonition · 05/02/2014 00:00

There was also a woman on here recently who was being forced into having another child against her wishes, she was trying to get the courage to access some contraception and in fear that he would be able to see the implant under her skin or feel the cord on a coil. Forcing a women to have a child she doesn't want by threatening her is abusive.

inadreamworld · 05/02/2014 00:04

I agree with akachan If the roles were reversed the woman would get a lot more sympathy and at least be told to try and persuade her DH to agree to another child.

Although he shouldn't have said what he did about finding another woman - I can see it from his point of view. I want a third child and luckily DH agrees.

Esma did you have very difficult pregnancies/births? Is there no way you would consider one more?

Mellowandfruitful · 05/02/2014 00:15

No she wouldn't. I have seen plenty of threads where women who want a DC3 when their partner doesn't are told to suck it up. There are double standards on MN (MILs being the main area) but this isn't one in my view.

OP, is he like this in other areas of life, i.e. telling you how it will be because that's the way he wants it? He is being an utter nob.

Plus he doesn't seem to have worked out that you can't have a DS to order - even if you were both on the same page about this, you might still end up with another DD. Would he then want a fourth child?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2014 00:19

I want another, DH doesn't. I'm not having another. And, certainly not finding someone else to get me knocked up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2014 00:26

However, I will say that this is an interesting first post on MN. I know that sometimes women are told that if the urge to have another child is so strong that they feel they have to, they are told to decide if the relationship or the child is more important. I really hope that no one would post about this emotive and sad subject just to make a point. i really hope that.

inadreamworld · 05/02/2014 00:35

Though I do think if your DH wants a third child just to get a boy then that is not good at all. Poor kid if it is the 'wrong' gender.

MummyBeerest · 05/02/2014 01:00

Wow...

Is his name Henry? Have you been married seven times before?

Seriously. What if he never gets a boy?

I can't believe a man would say such a thing to his wife.

olympicsrock · 05/02/2014 01:19

LTB

AveryJessup · 05/02/2014 01:29

If he wants a big family then he can go right ahead and get pregnant and give birth to these future children himself.

What's that? It's a biological impossibility, you say? Oh well tough shit then. He'll just have to live with his lot and be grateful for what he has.... such a disgusting entitled attitude.

FootieOnTheTelly · 05/02/2014 01:37

I wanted another, DH didn't so we didn't...that's the way it's meant to go. You can't force a child onto someone else. You both have to agree or it shouldn't happen. Obviously it's best discussed beforehand but sometimes it's tricky to be 100% accurate in what you desire in a family so there has to be a bit of give and take.

He is being very unfair.

MyBaby1day · 05/02/2014 05:53

Get rid of him, YADNBU, you have 2 little girl's and that's enough, hell I only want one child which will be more than enough for me, many people I've noticed are reducing their family size these days. Financial reasons yes, hell buy one thing and that's you're income gone for a month! . He's been an idiot and it was a wicked thing to say. If he was desperate for a DS he should have maybe discussed adopting one that way you can guarantee a boy. Mine due, 2nd thoughts better not, he sounds a twat!. Sorry sweetie but you enjoy your 2 DD's.

MyBaby1day · 05/02/2014 06:00

Mind

CerealMom · 05/02/2014 09:28

Does he want 3 DCs or is he hoping for a boy?

My aunt wanted a girl - they stopped at 4DSs.

Are you both prepared to sit down dispassionately with a spreadsheet and work out the pros and cons of 2 v 3? It could be for you not now but in the future. Or DH could change his mind later and be happy with 2 once he's reconciled the pros and cons.

Would he really be prepared to be a part time dad to his 2DDs on the off chance he has a 3rd (boy?) with someone else? Or was he just posturing?

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 09:31

tell him he is very welcome to get pregnant and carry the baby if he wants too oh and tell him his daughters can carry on the name fine on their own

Pigeonhouse · 05/02/2014 09:37

It's not unreasonable for either parent to want a third child, and to put it up for serious discussion, even if the other parent isn't keen. What is unreasonable is anyone laying down the law to the other parent, and making threats to break up a family and victimise existing children if they don't comply. And what is also unreasonable is a man trying to force an unwanted pregnancy and birth on the woman who is going to have to deal with the potential complications, morning sickness, exhaustion, possible birth trauma and loss of earnings and career opportunities on maternity leave. Or is this charmer going to take lengthy paternity leave to allow the OP to go back to work?

Disgusting, knuckle-dragging behaviour.

inadreamworld · 05/02/2014 09:41

Perhaps your DH could try to get a higher paid job or spend more time at home depending on what would help you out most if you had a third. I think his views should be listened to but he should be willing to compromise.

I think it is important whether he just wants a third DC or if he is desperate for a boy. The former is fine, the latter may be a problem!

NoodleOodle · 05/02/2014 09:44

YANBU

Did you ever discuss the size of your family before you started? Do you have a nephew you could borrow on weekends so that he can take part in raising a make child?

grumpyoldbat · 05/02/2014 09:47

People aren't calling him an arse for wanting a third, it's ok to want another.

They're calling him an arse for threatening to leave his wife and dds over it.

I worked with a lady whose husband insisted they have a as. She had 5dds under 8 and he was demanding another. Where would it stop?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/02/2014 10:04

Let's put aside the subject of family size, IMO it's broadly irrelevant to what's happening here.

"His argument is that if I don't want to give him another child then he will find a woman who will."

That's not an argument. That's an attempt at blackmail. An argument involves the word 'because', e.g. I want x because of a, b, c. He has stated 'I want x or else y. That's not an argument, that's a threat. Please see it as such; he is not making an argument/putting forward a case, he is issuing a threat and attempting to blackmail you into doing something that you don't want to do. He is trying to control your behaviour, to make you bend to his will.

So, you have a husband who is threatening you with desertion. How does that make you feel? Can you respect this person? In short - is he a keeper, or would you be as well to show him the door and get on with your life?

"If my DP said this to me I'd tell him to buggar off and find her then and stop wasting my time!" I think this is fair comment. If he is always going to resort to threats to get his own way then a life with him would be a waste of your time. I realise you are probably thinking 'but I don't want to break up my family', or 'the children we already have want their father'. To which I would ask, hasn't he already broken it by saying you're interchangable with any fertile female, and if he finds himself able to manipulate you with threats won't it become a habit and he'll start applying it to his relationship with his children?

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