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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop dds access with her dad?

25 replies

Muchadoaboutnuthing · 03/02/2014 16:19

My dh and I separated last summer, we have two children, ds (11) and dd (7). Dh has regular access, 3 weekends out of 4. About 3 years ago there was an incident in our home. Ds came down from his room one evening and told dh and I that dd had told him that dhs nephew had tried to touch her bum. Dd was 4 at the time and the nephew was 8. I had a chat with her and it transpired that he in fact put his hand up her skirt and tried to touch her vagina. We spoke to his parents (dhs sister and her husband), had a serious chat to the nephew and I suppose all put it down to childish curiosity and left it at that.
We did however say that we didn't want our nephew in the house any more. Over time his behaviour was getting worse and worse, his parents were always getting called into the school for something and no one in the family would babysit him or bring him anywhere apparently as his behaviour was so out of control.

About 18 months later I was in college one weekend and dh agreed to babysit his nephew. He took him and dd to the shop and left them in the car outside while he popped in to get something. While he was there dn pulled down his trousers and tried to make dd touch him. Dd told me that night at bedtime and dh and I again spoke to the parents and insisted they do something about it. They did speak to the gp who referred them to social services. A sw and a family support worker began working with them.

I found out a few weeks ago that dh occasionally has this nephew stay over when my kids are with him for access. I've told him I'd prefer this not to happen as I'm worried for dds safety but he's totally ignoring me. I'm so worried about her. I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her. AIBU to stop access until he agrees not to have this child stay over? I have no issues with the kids staying with him other than this.

OP posts:

TheNightIsDark · 03/02/2014 16:21

YANBU. He's failing to safeguard her.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 03/02/2014 16:23

Yanbu at all. I was subjected to this sort of 'curiousity' from a older friend of the family aged about 7/8 and would have loved someone to say i never had to see him again.

Topaz25 · 03/02/2014 16:24

IMO YANBU to stop access as it is a safety issue. Maybe you should get legal advice about access though. I feel so sorry for the nephew, it sounds like he may have been abused himself but it's not safe for him to be in the house with your DD when he doesn't understand normal boundaries and your DH has demonstrated a lack of awareness by leaving them alone together before.

BitsinTatters · 03/02/2014 16:26

IMO YANBU

Very sad all round

Original poster

Muchadoaboutnuthing · 03/02/2014 16:27

Topaz that's exactly what worries me...that the last incident happened when they were both in dhs care. You cant watch children 24 hours a day, I know that myself. And he has such a laid back attitude to all this, he seems to think that just because the social workers have done some work with this child that everything is fine. I'm not so sure its always that simple.

OP posts:

SlimJiminy · 03/02/2014 16:31

YANBU. I think DD doesn't visit at all until Ex can confirm that she won't have to see nephew. No compromises. Don't get into complicated discussions on this - they are your terms and they are in no way unreasonable.

PumpkinPie2013 · 03/02/2014 16:32

YANBU it's a safeguarding issue.

I also think you should maybe seek legal advice.

It sounds as if the nephew also needs help. If I were his parents I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of his behaviour especially now he is too old to put it down to childish curiosity (IMO).

Inappropriate sexual behaviour in children can be a sign of abuse.

Very sad all roundm

NatashaBee · 03/02/2014 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/02/2014 16:57

Yanbu, do not allow this other child to be around your Dd. He is abusing her, doesn't mean that he's a child it should be dismissed as curiosity.

Callani · 03/02/2014 17:00

I don't know how feasible it is, but could you give your DS or DD a phone with top-up credit on it and tell them to phone you if the nephew is there?

That way your XP will discover quickly that you are serious about not having contact with the nephew BUT he can also adapt his behaviour to prevent it.

KingRollo · 03/02/2014 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 03/02/2014 17:39

Stop access until he is prepared to cut contact with Nephew.

Ask him outright "why are you putting our dauggter ibto situations where she has been and may continue to be abused?"

ApocalypseThen · 03/02/2014 17:56

Most situations, I'd be saying that it was his choice what happens when the kids are with him and that you can't unilaterally stop access, but this is an extraordinary situation and I think you have to step up and protect your girl, even if her own father won't. Especially when her own father won't.

rabbitlady · 03/02/2014 18:12

keep both your children with you. being with someone who does this kind of thing isn't good for your ds, being unable to see her dad when her brother sees him won't be good for your dd.
but you are absolutely right to keep her safe. do it.

FlockOfTwats · 03/02/2014 18:18

Yanbu.

Stop access, inform social services, let him go to court. He can explain to the judge why he thinks it acceptable for his daughter to be sexually abused.

I wouldn't be sensing the son either.

wannaBe · 03/02/2014 18:32

I think you would be on very shaky ground legally.

This is a child we are talking about. to withhold access on the basis that you don't want your dd coming into contact with another child (who has had some intervention wrt his behaviour) is OTT IMO.

We're talking about incidents that happened two/three years ago when the child was just eight/nine. sometimes, children do explore. We don't like it but it happens. sometimes, children do the whole "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" thing. I wouldn't like that either but the parents did seemingly take it on board andVBU. he had some intervention.

This is not an adult who has "abused" a child. it is a child you are vilifying.

To withhold access on the grounds your ex refuses to vilify a child is

Oakmaiden · 03/02/2014 18:36

I think you need to contact SS and explain exactly what you have here. They will investigate, and if the work your nephew has done with them is such that he is not considered a risk, then they will say so. If he is considered a risk then they will speak to his parents and you ex and set down guidelines to safeguard your daughter.

RunRunRuby · 03/02/2014 18:44

I don't think you would be vilifying the child. It's in his best interests too. Nephew is now presumably 11 so above the age of criminal responsibility, and above the age at which anything like this could be put down to natural curiosity. Also, he repeated the behaviour after it had been explained to him that it was not appropriate.

Anyway I believe the OP's daughter's right to not be sexually harassed should be paramount. The OP has not suggested punishing the nephew in any way, he doesn't even need to know that this arrangement is in place.

Supervised access sounds like a good solution until he will agree to not having nephew visit during access weekends.

Edendance · 03/02/2014 18:47

It sounds waaaaaaay past the point of childish curiosity- YANBU

Topseyt · 03/02/2014 18:57

Sorry wannabe, but sometimes children can and do sexually harrass others. True that it is often following some other influence, either from home or via the internet, but it is no less traumatic for that.

My daughter was harrassed when still at primary school by a 10 year old boy (they were both 10 at the time), and was traumatised by it. None of it was obvious or out in the open, he just seemed like a normal friend to her and was from a good local family. It happened though and we are still trying to deal with the results. Thankfully they are both now at separate secondary schools.

firedengines · 03/02/2014 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsAnatomist · 04/02/2014 22:23

YANBU. Even if the nephew has stopped the awful behaviour towards your DD, she is still seeing her abuser. At the moment, she may be happy to play with toys etc with nephew and your DD (you didn't mention I don't think if she still was okay being around him supervised) but when she is an adult, she may feel very differently about it, and regret she so much as looked at him ever again and be very upset from it. This is definitely a safety issue, and your XP beggars belief. I think you should get this to court, as the other folks have said, and your XP will probably then be made to see how it's madness to let this child near your DD, as well as forced to comply.

WelshMaenad · 04/02/2014 23:07

Please stop his access. Please make him take this seriously. Trust me, he doesn't even need to be there overnight.

cestlavielife · 04/02/2014 23:18

So the last. Cident was some eighteen months ago ? You need more up to date information on how dn is now , if he still having these problems (and why ? Was he abused ? )

Also do the nspcc pants with your dc make sure they understand it
www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/keeping-your-child-safe/the-underwear-rule/the-underwear-rule_wda97016.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_PPCcampaign=Underwear_Rule_BND_E&utm_term=nspcc_Pants&utm_campaign=NSPCC_Underwear_Rule_January_2014_UK

fifi669 · 05/02/2014 01:13

Don't stop access. But do specify that his nephew can't stay those weekends. If you hear that he has, then you'll stop over night access. His call.

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