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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let this get to me?

46 replies

Joolsy · 03/02/2014 15:43

3rd year in a row DD hasn't been invited to a classmate's party, and 90% of the rest of the class have. Had a falling out with the mum in question few years ago but we made up & put it behind us though we've never been close since. DD & bday girl are friends, not close, but certainly not enemies and others who aren't even friends with her were invited. All the talk today was what a great party it was. Feel like sending the mum a text saying was it really necessary to exclude DD yet again and did she have a problem with me or DD?

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 04/02/2014 10:03

She could very well assume that you have a problem with her though, and that's why she's not counted among the few close friends who get invited to your dd's!

It's not really irrelevant that she doesn't get asked over for your dd's. You say they are a lot closer than other invitees but not close enough to ask to your dd's.

She could very easily see this as a slight. You know it's not but does she?

In the same vein, she might not see this as a slight to your dd!

It could be on purpose. But equally there's a chance you're being paranoid because of your previous issues!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 04/02/2014 10:15

I would honestly let it go.

If your dd doesn't count her dd as one of her closest friends, then I would just accept it and move on.

If the 2 girls were best friends and your dd wasn't invited then you might have a reason to think (not say to the parent) that there was a personal reason that she wasn't invited.

Some people, so I have recently read on mumsnet do not invite children to their DCs parties if they don't have "proper parties" of their own, I can't quite get my head around that one either tbh, maybe that's why she wasn't invited?

In fact, thinking about it, I can't really understand all the angst about childrens parties.
You have a party for your DC or not, whatever suits your circumstances
You let your child invite whoever the fuck they want without turning it into a great big drama of epic proportions
Your DC gets invited to some parties and not to others.

That's it. If people just did that, there would be none of this. But it's all such a drama, the poor DCs don't even get a say in who they invite because mummy is standing there with a checklist saying "oh no you can't invite x, he never has a party and you can't invite y because he didnt invite you but you can invite z because he invited you last year"

LET IT GO.

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 10:29

OP so what do you think you will accomplish by sending her a text or confronting her about it? You think your relationship will improve and your daughter will be invited in the future?

I wouldn't do it if I were you as it will not bring you any benefits, in fact it will have the opposite effect.

Original poster

Joolsy · 04/02/2014 15:04

No I certainly don't think it will improve things between us, but I'm not bothered as our paths don't cross very often, I really think she's the one in charge of who goes to the party, not her DD which is sad really. I'm only sad because my DD felt very excluded. And it's got nothing to do with who has proper parties and who doesn't as she doesn't know whether my DD has a party or not. My DD is mature enough to realise she doesn't get invited to all parties - as am I - but as I said already alot of the invitees are not even friends with the bday girl!

Anyway as I've said before I'm not going to do anything else about it. We live and learn.

OP posts:

KatnipEvergreen · 04/02/2014 15:06

I'd ask my DD to ask her friend why she wasn't invited, if it was upsetting her. If she wasn't bothered, I'd leave it.

Laura0806 · 04/02/2014 15:48

I understand your DD must have been upset. My DD came home very upset last week as she was the only girl in her class not to be invited to a party. Now my dd had a party at christmas but only took 2 from the class. I can only think this girls mum found out she had one and didn't invite her daughter so left mine out of this one ( totally different parties number wise). I haven't said anything as at the end of the day they will all forget about it but I think the mum was very petty particularly as I have tried to support her through various problems recently.I just hope my DD's don't grow up to be so ridiculous so I am teaching them that these things are not the end of the world. however, I would NEVER leave just one girl/boy out of a party

Scholes34 · 04/02/2014 17:07

It's quite possible your DD was simply overlooked, forgotten, not on the other girl's radar, rather than your DD's omission from the invite list being to upset her, get at you etc.

Just let it go and don't be tempted to say anything. You might not actually be that important to the other mum or feature in any of her plans, scheming or otherwise.

AwfulMaureen · 04/02/2014 17:22

See what you see as "not a proper party" is enough for this Mother to say "Well she never asked you to her thing" isn't it? I'm afraid that my DD had a choice of friends for her party and one wasn't chosen because she didn't ask DD to HER "do" which was a "small thing at home".

When push came to shove, she asked the girls she was close to and who had invited her to their celebrations.

Topseyt · 04/02/2014 17:43

I really wouldn't give it a second thought, and certainly wouldn't bother texting her about it. You say yourself that she isn't a particularly close friend either and nor are your daughters really that close, so what on earth is the issue here.

I think you are fretting about something over which you have no control (and nor should you), and which is really none of your business.

Let it go, rather than building it up into something it very likely isn't.

WooWooOwl · 04/02/2014 18:54

You are wrong that it's irrelevant that your dd hasn't invited her dd. It is entirely relevant.

Why do you think your dd should be invited to her parties when you haven't shown willing to host the other child in question once in the last three years?

Your dd clearly doesn't consider this girl as one of her closest friends, so not being invited to her party is a complete non issue.

SavoyCabbage · 04/02/2014 19:02

I think it's relevant that your dd does not consider the girl to be amongst her close friends.

You can't possibly rank all of the other invited guests according to their closeness to the birthday girl. You just don't know who does rock climbing club on a Wednesday together or whether her brother is in the same scout troop as someone else's brother so they share lifts.

Helpyourself · 04/02/2014 19:04

Grow up.
Seriously. Falling out with people and thinking about sending texts!

AlpacaLypse · 04/02/2014 19:19

yanbu to be pissed off, but looking back on primary days now (dtds are 15), it all seems a very very long time ago.

So long as your dd has a group of friends she is happy with, she will thrive, and when they all move on up to secondary most of the primary lot will float off the radar and be replaced by a new bunch anyway. That of course will be a whole new set of problems, but cross every bridge when you come to it has been a fairly successful mantra for us.

ll31 · 04/02/2014 19:32

So your dd didn't invite her to her own party,but feels excluded because she wasn't invited to the girls party? Yabvu. Really.

Also no one has right to be invited, surely you've taught your dd this.

You'll look crazy if you text other mother and will be joke of yard. What will you say if other mother responds with ,but you didn't iinvite my dd?,.

also, given your history with mother why would you dream of getting involved?

Original poster

Joolsy · 05/02/2014 09:40

Well DD did invite her to her bowling party 2½ yrs ago but didn't get an invite to her party shortly after. Since then anyway DD has not really had a party,as I said before, and this is the same for lots of kids in the class - they just tend to go to the cinema with 1 or 2 friends. Of course I've taught her no one has the right to be invited (she knows that anyway) and I never suggested that she should have the right - I just found it very strange that 90% of the class - some not even her friends - had been invited and DD hadn't. Surely someone can understand that!

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 05/02/2014 10:01

Yes, but the other invites might be reciprocal invites. That's why it might seem to you that the girl in question in inviting other girls who aren't as close. Maybe her daughter had been at one of their parties the previous month.

My 8.5 year old has "broken up" her words with her best friend twice in the past 10 days. They've sorted out before, they will do again, or not - it's their friendship. You've got to step back from school friendships, party stuff etc.

SeaSickSal · 05/02/2014 10:10

Make sure you invite her to your daughters party. In fact invite the whole class. Then when she's leaving comment to the Mum what a lovely time they had playing together and how glad you were you could invite the whole class because it's very hurtful for a child to be excluded and you were keen to avoid it because DD has been very upset when it's happened to her.

The worst that can happen is she doesn't invite her again next time, but she probably won't do that anyway. But hopefully it will make her feel guilty.

poopadoop · 05/02/2014 10:16

she doesn't know whether my DD has a party or not. My DD is mature >enough to realise she doesn't get invited to all parties - as am I - but as >I said already alot of the invitees are not even friends with the bday girl!

It would not be very mature to text the mother in question about this. It might be more mature to accept that sometimes you really don't know everything that goes on in the playground or in someone else's life. Maybe the mum IS being petty, but that really is her problem. Maybe the girl whose party it is doesn't really like your daughter but puts up with her as part of a broader circle.

How do you know she doesn't know your DD had a party? Have you continual CCTV on everyone that knows about the party at all times that you then review every evening ? Have you hacked the mother's phone to check her texts and voicemails? How do you know precisely how close every single invitee is to this girl? Do you have a special measuring tape?

poopadoop · 05/02/2014 10:18

And SeaSickSal - exercising petty gripes through your children's friendships would be really mature. Great parenting!

CoffeeTea103 · 05/02/2014 10:20

Seasicksal. What crap sort of example is that? Actually your idea sounds bitchy.

Acinonyx · 05/02/2014 10:24

YABVU with bells, whistles and frosted icing.

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