I have 3 DCs (7,5 & 4). We live 200 miles from my DM but up until recently I have spoken most days with her and we go up most holidays.
DM & DSF have not been down in 2 years (DM doesn't work & DSF has 3 day weekends), DSF is great with the kids when we go up but DM shows little if any interest. Their life evolves around them and what they want to do (understandably as it is only them in the house), but DM rarely calls us and its always up to us to do the running up there to see them. When we are there I feel very uncomfortable as I am unsure what she wants from us, she rarely does anything with the children around the house but if we arrange our own thing she suddenly had something organised & there is an awful atmosphere. No one has ever stood up to her before and I (& my DSis & DBro) spend a lot of time on eggshells around her & pacifying her so as not to get 'the look' or her be in one of her moods. I believe my Step Dad is the same, she is definitely 'the boss' in the relationship.
Quite often I end up having the same conversation with he 3 or 4 times, or she claims not to remember conversations (it seems at her convenience) - I'm not sure if she's really forgetful or just generally disinterested in anything unless it involves her. She goes on about money a lot (we struggle but still manage the trips up the her), I have suggested days out together but she says they don't have the money (they have no mortgage and have meals out each week & plenty of weekends away), I have said its not about the money but spending time together, but she says she does spend time with the children. When they we can often be sat in the lounge with my Step Dad & she'll be away from us all in the kitchen playing solitaire on her computer, or she sits in the same room, but glued to her laptop).
I have struggled with PND & anxiety since my DD2 (now 4) was born, but although still medicated am generally fine and now a lot stronger than I have been in the past. 2 weeks ago I decided Id had enough and wrote her a long email telling her how I felt, I worded it very carefully and did not point fingers, or make accusations. I just said that I really wanted a better relationship between her and the children (the 2 youngest say they don't want to go & the eldest will call & do drawings for my Step Dad but isn't that bothered by DM). I said that we obviously had different expectations for when I visit and what mine were (spend time together, have some food in the house (her fridge is usually beyond empty so we take food with us!), I acknowledged these were my expectations and hers may well be different, but asked what they were so we could move forward.
I spoke with her a few days later, she had a complete tantrum down the phone, blamed my email on me being unwell and that she does nothing wrong.
I left it a few days, spoke with her again. Had a very awkward conversation in which she ignored that fact that anything had happened, then Fri I spoke with her again, again she blamed it on me being unwell, that there are no issues and attacked the way in which my DH parents the children (??!).
Sorry it's so long. My DSis & DBro are bait caught in the middle now, they live closer and so don't have to stay with her, they know the issues I'm trying to address but they aren't impacted as much as we are as they can just go home, they find it easier just to try to work around her.
What do I do??