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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend a wedding...

27 replies

kilburnfrenchie · 02/02/2014 23:38

Been invited to a wedding in early March. It's a very good friend's younger sister. I get on well with her, and know the who;e family quite well. Although she (and her mother) can be drama queens at times. (most times in fact when there is a wedding in the air!).

Am slightly surprised she has invited me- i didn't invite her to mine. But I thought it was very sweet of her to ask me and of course accepted. It now transpires its a no kids affair (I didn't think to check, silly me). OUr DD is 6 months old, I am just back at work full time, and frankly I don't want to give up a whole day of my precious time with dd. So- AIBU to cancel? And what do I say?

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 02/02/2014 23:48

Personally I wouldn't mind leaving the baby if I had someone to leave her with - one day is not a big deal.

But I don't think YABU not to go if you really don't want to. Wedding invitations aren't compulsory. Just say you hadn't understood that children couldn't attend and this means you have to change your RSVP. Apologise for the inconvenience, wish her a happy day and send a present.

CharleyFarnsbarns · 02/02/2014 23:59

YANBU time with your baby is so precious when you are working FT. I cherish my weekends with DS as I miss him so much during the week.

SweetPeaPods · 03/02/2014 00:04

Yanbu. Just explain that you will not be able to go as you hadn't realised the no child policy. I would let them know ASAP though before they confirm numbers.

mumbaisapphirebluespruce · 03/02/2014 02:36

Don't go then. Just respond withdrawing your RSVP. You don't have to give an explanation or at least not a full one.

Sceptimum · 03/02/2014 03:06

YANBU but tell her as soon as possible with the wedding so close. Hopefully she can either pass on your invites or cancel your spots. I was really peeved with a some of my wedding guests not for cancelling (that was fine) but for doing so so late that I had already paid for their meals, accomodation etc when they had known for a month they couldn't make it before they told me.

DarlingGrace · 03/02/2014 04:13

If you don't want to go - don't go.

If you want to go - go.

If you think you might just like to go to the evening - do that.

It's not a compulsory order to attend.

TamerB · 03/02/2014 07:18

I would just tell the truth, you hadn't realised it was a 'no children do' and so you can't go.

chrome100 · 03/02/2014 07:23

YABU. You've accepted now and it would be very rude to back out. It's one day. I'm sure you and your DS will both survive.

peeveddoesntcoverit · 03/02/2014 07:29

I think you're being slightly U. Although they should have made it clear on the invite that it was no kids.

Having said that, as someone getting married in early April this year, it'll probably inconvenience the couple quite a bit to pull out now. We've already given final numbers to the venues, paid for food and drink, which they probably won't be able to get back, and they've probably done the table plan too.

AuntieStella · 03/02/2014 07:31

YABU as your DD's name wouldn't have been on the invitation.

It is rude to cancel because you have changed your mind. But if that is what you want to do, then the sooner the better. With fulsome apologies, but neutral wording ('will not now be able to attend')

Oriunda · 03/02/2014 08:16

Our final numbers had to be confirmed a week before the wedding, so there is time to pull out. She may have a 'b' list anyway with people she didn't have space of. Just do it now rather than later. Tbh she may have invited you out of politeness to your friend, so may not be that bothered?

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 08:25

mumbaisapphire I think it would be very rude not to explain why you were withdrawing your RSVP.

WooWooOwl · 03/02/2014 08:33

I think it's rude to back out now that you have accepted. I totally understand you not wanting to go, but it was your mistake to assume that your baby would be invited.

If you decide not to go, then send a lovely card and gift and I'm sure you will be forgiven.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/02/2014 08:46

You were being unreasonable to assume your DD was invited if she wasn't named on the invitation.

Tell her now as she may well have given final numbers to the venue and will need to bump someone up if she can. I wouldn't blame her for being peed off.

RenterNomad · 03/02/2014 09:08

It's no ruder to "back out now" thsn to not mske it clear from the start that the event was child free.

flowery · 03/02/2014 09:10

How is it rude not to explain that people not on the invitation are not invited? Yes it's helpful if people clarify that the wedding is child-free, but it's not rude not to do so.

WooWooOwl · 03/02/2014 09:12

People aren't obliged to 'make it clear from the start that the event is child free'.

It's clear enough from the names on the invitation, and if a potential guest can't get that their child isn't invited from that, then the onus is on them to find out.

flowery · 03/02/2014 09:16

Yes, what WooWoo said. OP if not being able to bring your DD was a dealbreaker and she wasn't on the invitation you really should have checked before accepting, as you now realise.

How long ago did you accept? I think that makes a difference. If you accepted last week and have now changed your mind as you can't bring DD, I think that's different to if you accepted a couple of months ago, for example.

SlimJiminy · 03/02/2014 13:48

YABU to have assumed that your child was invited without being named on the invitation.

Just tell her as soon as you can that you can't attend. She's probably got people coming for the evening reception that she can ask to the whole day - we did this at one day's notice on our wedding with one couple due to a last-minute emergency that meant someone else couldn't make it, but obviously the more notice you can give, the better as it'll mean that even if your meal has been paid for, there's more chance they'll get someone else to fill your place.

RawShark · 03/02/2014 14:02

My friend had a child free wedding with exceptions for under 1s.....as they were classed as babies not children (I was grateful!).is DD definitely not invited?

I would ring her ASAP, or at least sound your friend out about whether her little sister has confirmed numbers. DO NOT TEXT, that definitely would be rude!

RenterNomad · 03/02/2014 14:21

Fair point about the baby's name not having been written on the invitation.

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 14:30

Renter we all accept your apology

BackforGood · 03/02/2014 14:46

I think it's rude to change your mind this close, if it's not a reason that has materialised since (like an illness / accident), however, if you'd rather be rude than go, then let her know sooner rather than later.

RenterNomad · 03/02/2014 14:58

Renterwe all accept your apology

Oh, good, I was afraid I'd "left it too late", and all the seats and catering for the Rude Bastard Wedding Guests had already been allocated and paid for!

Seriously, though, do people really confirm final catering numbers so much in advance? Our wedding was a real dash!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 03/02/2014 15:34

Depends on the venue, ours had to be six weeks in advance.

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