I split up with xp when I was pregnant with ds. Halfway through the pregnancy he turned from supportive but useless into a vile nasty monster - our splitting up was speeded up by his arrest and subsequent conviction for 'domestic violence' - assault against me. I was alone in a town where I knew nobody having moved 250 miles to study for a degree. I'd only known xp for about 6 months when I got pregnant but knew that he had 3 dc (inc twins) with a previous partner, they had split up 5 years previously and the youngest dts were 7. He would see them sporadically, I thought he should see his dc more, but he explained it was difficult with his xp. Fast forward to the assault and he disappears from the town we lived in. I get on with things but am ground down by hyperemis and was frankly struggling. I bump into xp, I wasn't scared or anything as I'd hoped the upcoming court case would help him face his 'problems' -which had become increasingly apparent - and asked him where he'd been. With a grin like a Cheshire Cat he said he'd been staying at his xp's as she needed his help. The End. That was 12 and half years ago.
He did attend ds's birth, his xp thought he should and so did I. To this day I don't think they were having an intimate relationship more that it just suited them both that he had little to do with me or ds. For the first 4 weeks of ds's life he would come and visit us every few days but it became clear to me that he wanted to come to this town just to party and not see ds, he would be telling his xp he was seeing ds - although I had been stupid to get myself into the situation I wasn't stupid enough to go along with it and when he appeared dangerously drunk and abusive in the early hours, to the point where I was frightened for ds's safety, I called the police and he left.
Over the next 2 months I would see him sometimes out the window or get a text from him but I never spoke to him or invited him back. When ds was 3 months I moved to another town closer to the university and carried on with my degree. It was hard and lonely but I carried on. Towards the end of my degree I met up with xp so he could see ds who was 18 months old. Xp was back in the town ds was born in he seemed really sorry and appeared to love ds. We got back together, I graduated and we moved to the place I'd moved 250 miles from. Within weeks he reverted back to vile monster and I left
him for good, ds was 2. For the next couple of years it was difficult and xp could be really hard to deal with and sporadic with contact but would see ds regularly overall. Ds thought he was great and I've gone along with him thinking that although xp has made it increasingly difficult for me to support this thinking. There were times that xp has been so unpleasant that he's been evicted and for ds's sake I've put him up for a couple of weeks and helped him move.
When ds was 3 yrs old my xp's 3 older dc and their dm visited our part of the country and we all met up and we hit it off and for the most part she and I have been friends ever since but not completely without problems and I have to say much as we get on we did so as long as I ignored the past and diplomatically agreed with her. All worth it as ds loved his older siblings.
By the time DS was 8 he was firmly diagnosed with ASD after 2 years of hell, school exclusion and social isolation. We had to move again back to near where I took the degree and where ds's
siblings are. At first xp would communicate and visit, staying mostly at xp1's house as it was bigger (and his other dcs were easier to deal with - older, amuse each other and don't have asd.) He would come to mine for a couple of days to see ds and I would go to a friends. Gradually there was no communication and the first I would know of a visit would be xp1 would call and say ds's dad is here. Mostly on schooldays -so I would have to ask the school if ds could have a day or two off so I could take ds to see his dad at xp1's house. If I got upset at not being given any notice that was too bad, For the past year xp hardly takes ds's calls for months on end. For the past 2 years ds has only been able to see ds if xp1 organizes it (she is a control freak) For the past 2 years I have wanted to go back to see friends where we moved from but haven't been able to because I couldn't risk xp refusing to see ds, having told me he didn't want us to come.
I have discussed this situation with xp1 and shocked by her support of xp and her ridiculous explanations for his behaviour - that he's scared of me, that he's scared of ds and have had my suspicions confirmed by her sister that in fact she has been stirring all along and has encouraged the situation where my ds has his very limited contact with his dad if she organizes it - the youngest of her 'children' is now 19.
After a year of no calls accepted from xp except miraculously on xmas day he spoke to ds and once a few months ago when he answered and just gave me a 'tirade' of abuse I decided I'd had enough of not seeing my friends and ds his friends for 4 years and have booked a caravan there for half term. DS is now anxious that his dad won't see him and said "if he won't see me I'll hate myself". I left a nice message on xp's phone saying we were coming and hoped he would see ds. No response - tonight he answered and yelled "Don't expect to see me if you come here".
I'm furious for my son, he's hurt, he's been hurt enough already in life - he spent 4 years permanently excluded from school - he hardly has any family as it is, he has no new friends - he's fucking autistic and that bastard wants to make the poor kid feel like a worthless piece of crap. We want to see our friends badly we miss where we used to live - we didn't want to move from there we needed to and now we can only go if my son gets emotionally shattered. And right now I hate that bitch of an xp1 who assisted all of it. AIBU?