to think dh is a lazy git

[clockwatching77]

So bit of background. We have 3 dc aged 9, 5 and 17 months. I am virtually a sahm but also run a part time business around looking after dc. Dh works long hours with a long commute during the week. Out from 7am till 8pm unless working from home when he finishes at 6. He is knackered during the the week so him not doing much is kind of ok. He does look after dc 1 evening a week when I go out for a couple of hours too although I have come to the conclusion that he is not proactive when he does this. That is about it during the week.
However, at weekends I feel he should pull his weight more. Every second weekend he goes to football which is fine. He is gone for 6 hours with travelling.
However, today he is home. We were all up quite late today so I got dc their breakfast and put a load of washing on before rushing to take 9 year old to an activity. I was gone about an hour,
Middle child and toddler were still in pj's. Both still wear nappies at night so clearly needed changing. I came home to find toddler playing on one of the older children's tablets and dh on his own. Dh than went on to tell me that toddler had been in fridge because middle child left kitchen door open. At this point I lost it. Fgs a 17. Month old needs to be watched by an adult.
He is. Now in study playing on x box and sulking whilst I look after dc againg.
I will be out again this afternoon doing fun stuff with ds1. So I think I should leave him a list of jobs.
So bloody angry Aibu.

[Beanymonster]

Sounds awful tbh, maybe make a list for yourself of everything that needs Doing and say when your out he should pick 2/3 to do? No idea, but my partner is superman, he does more than I do!

[DanceParty]

Op, heard this SO many times on MN !!

[CatAssTrophy]

Have you sat down and had a proper talk about chores?

How would making a chore list together sound?

You could arrange what housework you and him do during the week and weekends. You could also get the children involved. Giving them little jobs too. Perhaps seeing it all written down, who does what, might give him a wake up call?

Also, do you feel that one evening out a week is enough for you? It seems that he gets more free time for hobbies than you do.

[clockwatching77]

One evening is a regular thing. Also probably go out with friends maybe once a month. Whenever, we discuss it it usually ends up in a row. He, claims he is so tired and can't do more yadd yadda.

He does do odd bits at weekend like cook the odd meal, load dishwasher and occasionally take rubbish out. But I still feel split is abou 80 / 20 if I am generous.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

There seems to be a different thread about this everyday. He's lazy because he's enabled to be lazy. He knows that if you go out and leave him in charge, he doesn't have to do anything because you'll do it all when you get back anyway.

He doesn't do housework because he knows it'll get done by you anyway, so in his mind, why should be bother? He knows he can get home, sit down and play video games or whatever and he'll still get his washing done and a meal cooked for him etc.

DP also works long hours and he has a hard, manual job. He still comes home every evening and cooks dinner. He still picks up after himself, does laundry if it needs doing because I'm not his skivvy who exists just to look after him. That's not how a partnership works.

He doesn't need a list of jobs, he's not a teenager. He knows exactly what needs doing, but he also knows that if he doesn't bother, you'll do it anyway. He knows that dirty clothes need washing and that dishes need cleaning and that nappies need changing, but he also knows he can get away with not bothering to do any of it.

Stop enabling him. Don't come home and pick up after him. If his stuff isn't in the laundry, don't wash it. If he leaves stuff lying around, either leave it or dump it in a box and leave it on his side of the bed. He can do it, he just doesn't need to at the moment.

[littledrummergirl]

I have a different outlook. I believe that if you are lucky enough to have one person stay at home, their job is to look after the breadwinner and keep them healthy. Home should be a calm place for them to regroup before they return to a potentially stressful environment.
I would always try to keep my weekends free for us all to spend quality time together or for dh to have time on his own.
Nowadays we spend Saturdays doing homework/ activities etc and have Sundays for family time-board games, swimming, films etc.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

What, and staying at home isn't stressful? When does the SAHP get time off to do their own thing if they're expected to look after the DC 24/7?!

[Fairylea]

He's being awful. You know that.

However, as much as I can see the usual chorus of leave him with the kids approaching I'm not sure if you can really. If he is leaving a 17 month old to roam about unsupervised in a kitchen than to be blunt that is bloody dangerous and I wouldn't be happy or feel able to leave the kids with him at all.

Leaving them in night nappies is neglect to be honest.

I'd be having very, very serious words with him.

[zeezeek]

With the number of hours he works, the long commute - sure he should be allowed some down time?

[Pigsmummy]

If he can play on play station he can play with kids surely? They are his kids too.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

Of course, but he should also not expect to sit around after work and do nothing. An hour or so to have a cuppa and a bath is fine, then he needs to get stuck in and help is wife look after their children. Working out of the home isn't an excuse to do nothing in the home.

[Fairylea]

He gets downtime every second week when he is out of the house for 6 hours with football. When is the ops equivalent downtime??

My dh works 55 hours a week and I am a sahm. For us this means that when he is working outside the home, I am working inside and therefore when we are both home we split childcare and housework equally. (I do tend to do most stuff around the house when he is at work obviously, I'm talking general stuff like dishwasher loading and sorting and cleaning the kitchen after a meal etc).

I couldn't stand to be with someone who didn't pitch in equally. In fact that was one of the reasons I left my first husband.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He hasn't twigged yet parenting is not a hobby, we can't just shrug and hope our partner picks up the slack. Every adult feels hard done by, clock watching and deadlines and too little relaxation, yes there's additional effort required when DCs are in the mix.

He likes football, he must see that in a team there's no room for prima donnas or half hearted lacklustre squad members. He's not able to sit this game out on the substitutes' bench, you need him. I have run out of metaphors but you know what I mean.

What few tasks he does do, your eldest can probably manage - if not now then imminently.

[MellowAutumn]

Ok so he works 12 /14 hours a day gets home home at 8 is allowed an hour for some tea and a bath and then needs to 'get suck in' ? At what ? kids should be in bed and house should be reasonable by then IMO - I certainly did not expect to do housework in the evening when I worked similar hours and my DH was a sahd. And even if house is not perfect then it should be couple or relaxation time for both parents.

And unless the 15 mth old is off the scale - can't really see the need for major housework at the weekend ?

For me leisure time should always be split in half after family time and work is taken out - but if the op is a SAHM she should also be honest with herself at how much more freedom she has than someone in paid work - Not necessarily less stress but certainly more self direction.

[clockwatching77]

There is always some form of housework to do. Laundry is massive with 2 lots of school uniform and baby stuff daily.Kids are very messy. Toilets get dirty 7 days per week as do kitchens and floors
Sometimes I also think I am the only one who knows where a bin is. The other morning a came down to an empty beer can on the worktop I had just cleaned. He will have a moan at kids for not doing it but he doesn't seem to get they follow his example.
I guess the house is messier than it should be because we don't have strict rules about eating at the table.I was out Wednesday eve and came home to shedloads of crumbs in the lounge that toddler dd had dropped. No one bothered to pick them up.
I can live with him relaxing during the week but the weekend I get fed up with him doing the bare minimum. At weekends too.

[clockwatching77]

He could do some of the school prep maybe. Packed lunches say.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I don't think he's doing that much wrong tbh. How many hours Do you work? If it's under 10, I think all the housework should be down to you. Over ten, then your dh needs to help more. My kids have been in pjs,all day today. So what? We've had loafs of fun.

[arethereanyleftatall]

And a five yr old should be getting themselves dressed.

[clockwatching77]

He has special needs. Pyjama pant usually soiled. If everyone wasn't so messy I could and do the housework. But surely a grown should not leave emoty beer cans on a workshop I have just cleaned or fail to change nappies that clearly need changing.

[clockwatching77]

Grown man

[MellowAutumn]

clockwatching77 - I'm now a single Mum work full time have 3 kids - 2 with special needs - they all do 2/3 activities that require me to take them as we live rurally, have a cat and dog and a largish house. I do not do house work at weekends other than cook /stick a wash on / just normal tidy round. I do think you need to look at how you are managing stuff - kids can do lots of simple things when you get them in a routine - we have a ten mintite tidy up before tea - with music and a timer - amazing how much kids can do when focused and know where stuff lives. Plus we eat at the table at set times and they all help load the dishwasher and have set little chores they do.

I appreciate that a 17 mth old can be full on but your other two are at school and are old enough to keep their own spaces reasonable. You blame your husband for leaving a can on the side as this is a bad example and that's why the kids are messy BUT you are a SAHM - they see way more of you than they do him. If you have no set routines or boundaries about where to eat of course the house is going to be a state !! Whatever your DH does at the weekend what you do in the week is going to be way more important. If you are really working in a domestic way full on for 12/14 hours a day then I apologise but to me your house should be fecking immaculate !

[clockwatching77]

On average I probably do less than 10 but in the run up to christmas I was doing about 20 hours. 5 of those hours were whilst looking after children at the same time. Sometimes I think I would be better wohm but I bet he still won't do anything.
These lovely family days are great. But we had about two hours together today. I had 2 with oldest and the rest of the time he has been either watching tv ofr playing computer games.

[Bowlersarm]

I agree with MellowAutumn

[arethereanyleftatall]

Ah, sorry then op. I'm changing my mind. Yanbu.

[clockwatching77]

I try to create boundaries but dh never eats a meal at the table. I eat with children at the table. He sits on the sofa snacking on crisps most evenings and than gives them to toddler.