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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend said she had terminal cancer when she didn't. AIBU to never speak to her again.

51 replies

VeryDifficultSituation · 01/02/2014 11:12

NN as do not want to be recognised. A friend (not particularly close) I have known for around 7 years told me she had cancer a few months back. Just after Christmas it became terminal.

Found out yesterday from a relative of her's that she never had cancer at all and she said it to get back at her mother who she was no longer in contact with.

She had a similarly dysfunctional and abusive childhood to me and I could empathise with her a lot on stuff she told me that went on. I can't empathise with that though. She has DCs who were apparently never aware of this 'lie', thank god. I have not spoken to her since I found out about this and don't want to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 01/02/2014 13:12

Assuming the relative is telling the truth, YANBU. She needs professional help but you need to protect yourself and your family. If she could lie about this, what else is she capable of?

Sillylass79 · 01/02/2014 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 01/02/2014 13:22

Are you positive the relative is telling the truth? And if her DC are young, it's understandable she wouldn't want to tell them that mummy is dying.

nennypops · 01/02/2014 13:33

Didn't you at least asked her whether what the relative said was true or not and, if it was, why she had done it?

Rooners · 01/02/2014 13:45

I have a (very lovely) friend who doesn't have a personality disorder or anything afaik, but who told me she had told a bunch of her students that her sister had died when they saw her crying.

She was upset for another reason but she told them this and they started being really nice to her and bought her flowers etc.

I think it was really wrong - and since she told me, I have been unable to trust her properly. I have kept some distance.

The other day she told me her mother is dead. I am inclined to believe it is true but at the same time, part of me is saying 'hold on a moment'.

Which I wish wasn't the case. I will take it at face value, but what she did before has really affected how I approach this friend.

Your mate OTOH sounds really fucked up. I'd not have any more to do with her.

moldingsunbeams · 01/02/2014 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaGuardia · 01/02/2014 16:16

i would speak to her about it , this relative might not be telling the truth .

I agree with following. You are taking the word of a relative over your friend.

LifeIsForTheLiving · 01/02/2014 16:28

I would find this unforgivable.

I would have it out with her to find out if it is a lie. If it was I would cut all contact.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2014 16:48

What did she hope to achieve by this other than burying a friendship? This woman must have a big gap in her life to do this. For me personally, after losing loved ones to cancer, in your shoes I doubt I could find it in me to put it behind us.

AdmiralData · 01/02/2014 17:02

My mother told me she was dying of cancer a few years back when I told her I was moving out of the family home as a result of her abuse. I believed this for months and months, I was gutted. She got drunk one night and it came out she had lied.

It is unforgivable. Nobody should do this. YANBU.

Slutbucket · 01/02/2014 17:06

My MIL told us her husband had died. She also told us about court cases about his will etc. the husband turned up on the doorstep ALIVE. To this day she thinks this acceptable and we should keep her nose out of her business. She then wonders why we don't let the children stay with her. We can't get passed that lie now. His sister recently was very ill but we couldn't tell if it was true or not. We are no longer NC.

ChurchStretton · 01/02/2014 17:35

Many years ago I had a member of my department who claimed to have cancer. She seemed to me to have a detailed knowledge of the symptoms and treatment and our mutual employer was very supportive about giving her extra support at work and lots of (paid) time off for hospital appointments.

To cut a long story short she didn't have cancer and had never had it. One stupid lie said in a moment of madness spiralled out of control over 2+ years.

Clearly she had "issues".

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/02/2014 18:06

Why do you believe the relative over your friend? At least ask her outright and give her the chance to explain, the relative could be lying.

NinjaPenguin · 01/02/2014 19:24

Ask your friend.

My biological abusive family managed to track me down via Facebook (I went into care as a child) and spread horrible rumours about me. They told people I was lying about a lot of stuff, including the past. I wouldn't put it past a relative to do the same.

Before cutting her off, make sure she is definitely lying. Otherwise, I would tell her to get counselling (whether she does or not isnt your problem) and leave.

quirrelquarrel · 01/02/2014 19:33

Someone did this to me (and other people they were close to) and I don't plan on seeing them again, talking to them etc, ever.

I don't CARE if they need professional help. They're total DICKS. Sorry, there's a cutoff point, I have no sympathy left for this kind of thing, it's not my problem. Why do we have to save all the bastards? just fucking drop them, they'll haul themselves up by pushing someone else down sooner or later anyway
I always thought I was a bit charitable at least but no I'm not. And I refuse to feel guilty. I don't get why we're so scared of punishing people really.
just let them rot. idiots.

quirrelquarrel · 01/02/2014 19:34
  • they did other things too, not just lying about this, it's not just cos of that that I don't want to know them.
TheHouseCleaner · 01/02/2014 19:34

Turn your back and walk away. Don't look back. Whatever her issue is you didn't cause it and it's not your problem to fix.

There are lies and then there's just evil.

quirrelquarrel · 01/02/2014 19:41

The fact of the matter is that there are people born with such low levels of empathy that they work on a different plane to the rest of the population. We fall into the trap of thinking that they operate just like us. They don't, so we predict reactions wrongly and get totally taken in. And unfortunately, if you have in front of you an intelligent animal like a human minus a conscience, you're likely to be affected negatively in some way. Because we ALL want things (promotions, power, glory) we won't end up getting because we are too nice, caring, thoughtful, because that is our modus operandi- it's not everyone's, so beware.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 01/02/2014 19:50

YANBU. Bin. Draw a line. Step over. Move on.

Arealmanithink · 01/02/2014 20:26

Psycho chick.. Run like hell!!

psychologystudent214 · 06/02/2014 10:59

Admiraldata my mum did the same thing, I was in shock for a long time and was her primary caregiver, gave up work to look after her and was completely deceived, it's the final straw in years of emotional abuse and similar episodes. I since found out she has borderline personality disorder and no longer speak to her and am really struggling to cope with it still, would it be possible to send a private message to you, haven't come across anyone with similar story.

KellyElly · 06/02/2014 11:32

I would be upset with her for telling such an upsetting lie, but I would be worried about why she would feel the need to do that. I would worry that she possibly had an undiagnosed personality disorder and would probably want to get her to seek help.

I had a bad childhood - narcissistic mother, sexual abuse, experiencing death of my main carer at a young age and lots of rejection - and although I was never diagnosed with a personality disorder I suffered some quite serious mental heath problems in my 20's and was very attention seeking and wanting love and approval at any cost. I wasn't a bad person, I was just very damaged and luckily I have friends who stuck by me through all of that. Having DD has changed me a lot and apart from still finding stress hard to manage, I'm a very different person now.

I guess what I'm saying is that there may be a very unhappy person behind what your friend has done and one who probably needs the support of those around her. However, if this behaviour is typical/continues indefinitely then you have to draw a line to protect yourself.

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 06/02/2014 12:35

This exact thing happened to me although her motives are still unknown. I stopped contact

MissMilbanke · 06/02/2014 12:37

Wow !

Just move on and forget her

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2014 13:47

Just before Christmas, we got the news that MIL's cancer, that had spread to her lungs, is terminal. If we are lucky, we have a year left, and it is heartbreaking.

I would not only cut this friend off, I would tell her exactly how disgusting I thought she had been.

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