about " family visiting" threads

[ebwy]

I know I am, actually.

I have 2 sons. The eldest is three and a half, and my mother has seen him 4 times, my brother twice ( one instance for each was my grandmother's funeral tea). We haven't seen them for a 2 years. My youngest is 15 months old and none of my family has even shown an interest in meeting him.

I don't drive and trains cost too much, so can't go to see them, plus there's always some excuse from them why I can't anyway. There's been no huge falling out, I can't think of anything I have done wrong ( and have even asked but got polite confusion on the phone "I don't know what your taking about"

My mother even moved house with my brother's assistance but I wasn't told until 3 weeks later when I rang her mobile worried why her landline wasn't working.

My dad died years ago. my fiance has no family ( raised in care)

I know I'm very unreasonable to be upset when people are complaining that their family wants to see the baby too often, or too soon. and very unreasonable to want to post on those threads that the truth is that the opposite, which is complete indifference to our existence, hurts more.

The "AIBU" from the subject has vanished. Sorry!

I don't think you are bu, actually.

actually, some people are shit and aren't worth your time, effort, or energy.

some people just aren't worth the angst.

fuck 'em.

I see where you are coming from, but you don't know it hurts more. Sorry, but that's the bottom line: you don't.

Sorry you feel this way. Just out of interest, are they politely distant with everyone or just you? Is there gender favouritism going on? What was it like for you growing up as a child? How very odd that your mother didn't mention her impending house move & not think to leave a forwarding address or number. Do you think your brother is isolating your mother away from you for inheritance reasons?

Well I get mildly irritated and a little territorial when i feel that some ppl DH's DS are "overdoing it" stealing my babies
I feel hurt and miserable and embarrassed when others some of my family seem to actively avoid them.
So I can see where you ate coming from tbh.

I don't know which is worse-i have a combination of the two problems (my thread may be one that annoyed you). Both extremes are probably equally bad and can cause rifts and offence. My in laws are entirely in the too much too soon camp, which has caused some major upsets given their complete lack of consideration for us. My DM is very keen so my DPs are often here, but my DF would be like your family without my DM dragging him along. I would actually venture that if they aren't interested it is probably better for them to stay away rather than visiting when they don't want to be there, moaning about the noise and telling the kids off so you have to walk on eggshells the whole time trying to keep kids quiet in their own home. He even objects when DM wants to pick Dd1 up from nursery an hour early- ostensibly because he wants me to get value for money...

so while i can appreciate that their distance/indifference is hurtful to you, maybe it is better/more honest at least, for them to stay away than to be disinterested in person?

it entirely depends on your relationship with them more generally, i guess. Did you see a lot of them before dcs were in the picture?

I don't think YABU, that sounds incredibly hurtful. Did you have problems in your childhood? Maybe think about having some counselling - I'm not clued up on these things but maybe you need to accept that your DM doesn't care. So horrible for you

YANBU to feel very hurt, OP.

YABU to rank your pain above others'. It's not a competition.

So sorry for your situation.

Your situation does sound very hurtful.

However, people come on here to express feelings about their own situation, whatever that might be. I know I have a great deal to be thankful for but my hurt is my hurt, and actually it is no comfort to me at the time that someone else's situation is much worse.

It isn't a competition and even if it were there's no way of objectively judging it.

Your situation sounds very hurtful.YANBu to feel very upset.

Sorry,

I realsie i said almost exactly the same as others.

Hi op
YANBU - I'm guilty of thinking the same thing when I read threads about dc being given too many presents, being seen too often ect. However it's all about perspective I suppose. Maybe those people crave some some space to get on without being parents input. It must be really annoying to have someone constantly on your doorstep.
My family sound similar to yours, no fall out but just no effort. My db has not even met my ds, he's nearly 1 year already. I do think it's also the case that some personalities get along easier than others. No excuses for our mothers btw but that could explain why your brother and mother see each other more. It's certainly the case for my brother and mum. He does what she wants, she's manipulative.

OP: I agree with you.
I'm a GM and have a great relationship with my DD and am always welcome at their house which is 300 miles away.
Often I do cleaning when I'm there!

However my friend's DD is very different.

She invited people to a mid week lunch which was actually her wedding!
She got shirty when people declined to go, but they would have gone if they had known it was her wedding.

She had a planned CS and told no one the date, but then expected the parents to jump NOW and visit in a three hour window, again 300 miles away (of course they did).

She seems to have no idea that a bit of forward planning would be useful, as her parents have a lot of committments as well as dentist / hospital appointments.

People are just odd and I'm sorry your family are so indifferent with you.

I have a very fragile relationship with my mother, who suffers from (diagnosed) depression that she won't seek treatment for, and when she is bad, thinks that everyone (especially me and my DB) is being so horrible to her that the only solution is to cut us off completely (and therefore our DS, who loves her).
One of my best friends lost her DM very young and would desperately love to still see her.

We respect each other's difficulties and we also both have learned to value more the friends and relatives that we can count on.

I know what you mean; despite being invited to his naming ceremony over a year ago my DSS and DSB have failed to visit my DS who is nearly 2, don't send presents (despite me sending them up until the she of 18 for all there DCs, including now for DNS aged 13 and 11. I feel really hurt by their obvious disinterest.

No, it doesn't hurt more.

Some people are very close to their families and it's great.

And there are other people who crow, "We're such a big happy family, look at how we have no boundaries!" whilst there's someone in the background yet again slaving over cooking/cleaning/entertaining people they secretly despise.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. OH and I live hundreds of miles away from our families. My parents died many years before DD was born and OH's dad died when he was 4, so DD has just one, elderly and ailing grandparent left. So I admit to feeling a little envious of people who have full sets of grandparents on both sides living locally (except for the toxic ones of course).

I think it is odd that your mother didn't tell you she was moving. Does she have any other grandchildren? If she does what is she like with them?

Um, cooking for and cleaning for people...

I did say I was being unreasonable

sorry, I have only just got to a computer.

We used to be very close. I was never the favourite child, but it wasn't abuse-type of inequality. Just a clear fact that he was prefered. We were a close, slightly mis-ballanced family.

there are no other grandchildren, my brother and his wife decided not to have any for health reasons.

meh, I think I just needed to vent.
I know my hurt doesn't make anyone else's less.

it was no particular thread, just an accumulation.
sorry.

YANBU OP - everyone has different issues and yours is painful to you. I can't imagine my parents moving and not telling me. I am close to my parents who live in the UK whilst I am in Ireland but they visit regularly. Poor DH though has an issue - he has lived within an hour of his parents for 8 years and they have never once visited. We now live 20 miles from them and they have never come (and they have been invited)

Drspouse simikar here. Mum cut all contact just before christmas.a few random texts saying hiw horrid we are to her (!)

How often do you reach out and are rejected before you give up? And then several months later they assume all back to normal. So hard tokeep up.

I did take the attitude that I would make the most of the "normal mam" moments and phone more etc... then I realised I was doing all the phoning. it's been a month now and this time I won't be the first to contact. Last time I decided to wait and see it was 6 months before I cracked.