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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to report this?

72 replies

starlightmagic · 31/01/2014 11:54

Someone I know fairly well is pregnant. She is due in August.
Is it unreasonable/interfering to inform social services of this? She had a child 4 years ago, who was taken away from her due to neglect and placed in permanent full custody of her grandmother.
She is planning to change her name by deed poll to try and get under the radar from authorities.
So would I be unreasonable to call SS to inform them she has had another child when the time comes? Even if just so they could offer support and keep a close eye on the situation?

OP posts:

Lemonfairydust · 31/01/2014 12:03

YANBU, the welfare of the baby comes first.

formerbabe · 31/01/2014 12:04

I don't think changing her name will work will it? How would it work with medical records?

SolidGoldBrass · 31/01/2014 12:06

Do you think this woman is a danger to her DC? And what has it actually got to do with you in the first place?
From what you've posted you sound smug and officious and I wonder what you are doing to support the woman - or is she someone you despise and want to see punished?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/01/2014 12:08

Why do you want to report her....is it for the good of her unborn baby or because you are being spiteful?

Groovee · 31/01/2014 12:10

The fact she plans to change her name concerns me. I know foster carers who have been given day old babies as placements because it transpires mum was told that any subsequent child would be taken in to care and tried to hide. I would contact them for the sake of the baby.

jacks365 · 31/01/2014 12:11

She can change her name all she likes but it won't change her medical records and it will be flagged up there. Since she is concerned it could be that ss is already involved and looking for a way out, won't work though.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2014 12:12

Her NHS number will still be the same though?

Original poster

starlightmagic · 31/01/2014 12:12

I dont want to punish her, I just dont want to see another child suffer. I just would like to make sure she gets the proper support she needs, especially considering her history. There is little I could do to support her at the moment, the baby isnt due for months!

OP posts:

MolotovCocktail · 31/01/2014 12:13

I would do no such thing until there was evidence that she was mistreating the new baby.

The woman may want to change her name to escape her past and have a fresh start. Although I do appreciate that this action would make me suspicious, so I might pay closer attention to signs of bad treatment.

Still, I don't know how comfortable I am with effectively shopping someone before she's done anything.

basgetti · 31/01/2014 12:15

She hasn't done anything yet and is only in early pregnancy. Her history of social services involvement will be flagged up when she sees the midwife and the professionals can decide if any intervention should be taken.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 31/01/2014 12:17

What is her attitude about what happened? Does she feel that she neglected her child?

I don't think it's as simple as either report or keep your nose out.

If she neglected her infant then action had to be taken. A child relies totally on its caregiver and has to come first. Because of their total vulnerability.

If she changed because of that, if she understands what went wrong, if she feels that she would never go down that path again, etc etc, then I would say don't report. Wait. Watch for any sign and then act.

If, otoh, she doesn't care that she neglected the other child, doesn't think she made any errors, doesn't intend to do anything differently, etc, then yes, report. Because she will need someone to be there before the birth.

It isn't always good enough to be reactive in a situation.

So really - yabu/yanbu? It depends so much on the specifics.

YouTheCat · 31/01/2014 12:18

She can change her name but she can't change her NHS number.

I wouldn't report. Just be supportive.

Dawndonnaagain · 31/01/2014 12:18

If baby number one is in the care of the Grandmother, then I'm fairly sure that Grandmother will notify the relevant authorities, if it is necessary.

WooWooOwl · 31/01/2014 12:20

Absolutely you should report! SS always take an interest when a new baby is born into a family that have had previous involvement with them, and they do it for a reason.

People don't have their children taken away for nothing. The fact that this person is deliberately trying to hide from SS rings alarm bells to me. She has nothing to fear if she has nothing to hide, and if she isn't emotionally mature enough to deal with SS and present herself as a good, stable parent, then that's all the more reason why they should be involved.

Viviennemary · 31/01/2014 12:21

If you feel worried and concerned then YANBU to report this. Some people can be very devious in their dealings with SS.

CrazyOldCatLady · 31/01/2014 12:32

The fact that she's trying to hide her pregnancy from them would suggest to me that she hasn't learned anything from having her older child taken away. I'd report her, regardless of who else is likely to. Newborns are so vulnerable.

TheXxed · 31/01/2014 12:40

SolidGoldBrass I am always shocked by views like yours.

SS are not child snatchers despite popular opinion, in order to take a child away from there parents. A LOT of criteria need to be met.

The fact that she is trying to avoid them is reason enough to inform them. The baby is completely vulnerable and she has a history of proven neglect.

Smalltoothbrush · 31/01/2014 12:44

Please report her. Social services will do a pre birth conference and, if no concerns at present, will monitor the baby after birth. It is pretty hard to get a baby removed, the neglect must have been serious and the comments about name changing suggest that she doesn't accept any responsibility.

HermioneWeasley · 31/01/2014 12:47

OP I would definitely report

She's had a child taken away and is trying to evade detection for her next

Why wouldn't you report?

TheListingAttic · 31/01/2014 13:04

You say you know her fairly well, but don't specify whether you are actually friends. Could you speak to her? That's what I'd do: express my concern that changing her name is unlikely to mean the authorities actually lose track of her, but does look suspicious and might actually draw the negative attention she's trying to avoid. And try and broach whether cooperating with the authorities might mean she can get some support, if she feels that she'd otherwise be at risk of losing her child.

Of course, that depends a lot on who well you get on and the specifics of her circumstances and how well she's likely to take it. But I'd be discussing and trying to persuade her to behave more sensibly rather than reporting.

Quoteunquote · 31/01/2014 13:16

Is there anyone she would listen to?

Who could carefully explain to her , that her best chance of keeping this child is to work with them, and that they will find out, which will be a terrible start to working with them.

And are there people to support her?

LimitedEditionLady · 31/01/2014 13:21

I would,i know someone who had their children taken away.It broke her.She fell pregnant again and ss found out and she got fantastic support from them and she is now showing that she can be a fantastic parent.For the childs sake do it and for hers.She will feel angry for the intervention but a few years down the line she may have got enough help to not need assessing anymore.

blahblahblah2014 · 31/01/2014 13:43

Keep your nose out, you sound like a nasty piece of work.

TheXxed · 31/01/2014 13:50

blah what about OP's post makes her sound like she is a nasty piece of work?

Why the assumption?

cees · 31/01/2014 13:50

YANBU

I'd report her and let the authorities deal with the situation. It could go either way maybe she treats this child well or maybe she abuses it. I would rather live with knowing I did something then read about another child neglected and scarred for life because I didn't.

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