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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and my daughter

85 replies

Kirkdale · 31/01/2014 11:26

My mil is going to be looking after my dd for 2 days a week when I go back to work. I was going to go back full time but hate the thought of leaving her.
Anyway I used to be comfortable with mil before I had my dd. But now aibu that I really dislike the way she's going to look after my dd?
She says things like "I will bring her up how I brought up my other kids" and I keep saying but she's different and tell her how I want things done. She disregards what I tell her.

I tell her to keep her dog away from my child cos it's an grumpy jealous snappy thing yet every time she gives dd back to me she says "yes I called the dog over so he could smell her so he knows to protect her" from what, the f**in post man?

She also let my dd crawl down the hall way to the cat litter tray when I was using the bathroom and when I told her she must keep am eye on her cos she is not to go near litter/pet food etc she then says "oh its ok the cat doesn't shit in it she goes outside" she checked the tray later and the cat had shit in it.
She always keeps saying that she'll let dd play with the pet food. I think that's disgusting.

Am I wrong to keep having to tell her what to do? And saying to her to keep the dog away etc? (the dog has already bitten an adult and growls at me even tho I don't touch the animal)

I feel sick with worry when I have to leave her with mil but my OH says we have no choice as I have to work and can't afford a proper childminder or any other child care.

I know she's doing us a favour but it's making me ill!!

OP posts:

Sadoldbag · 31/01/2014 12:45

Um this. Is why. WE don't ask for favours if you want it for free then you have to expect that people will do things I there own way if you want to dictate then you have to pay simple really.

its rather naughty to try and tell some one how to suck eggs when your not paying for the eggs

And even with paid child care they will do there own thing to a certain extent

Only1scoop · 31/01/2014 12:46

Op was going to pay mil.

Sadoldbag · 31/01/2014 12:48

Nanny go

I think a lot of people put up with a lot because it's free

I wouldn't usually put up with some one being two hours late but my brother is not charging us the £700 it would cost to out electric in out annex

Some times you have to weight things up op has two choices pay or suck it up

ems1910 · 31/01/2014 12:49

How can people be telling OP she has to put up with it? Playing with cat shit and food? This isn't just extra chocolate or too much tv! Urgh. Regardless of money being exchanged or not, this shouldn't happen.

I would be finding a cm, cheaper than nurseries around here and you would still have control over your daughter.

Your OH needs to see this isn't really on and tell her. My mil told us we better not take our baby over as they have an unclean house with a big dig, so we don't and I'm waiting for the fall out soon as she is asking to look after them now.

MiaowTheCat · 31/01/2014 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ems1910 · 31/01/2014 12:51

Dog, not dig :/

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2014 12:53

She is not doing you a favour at all and you run a risk here of she actually neglecting your child.

Your man does not seem at all able either to stand up to his mother; he is hurting his own self and family unit by being unable to. I honestly think he would put her before you every single time because he is afraid of her.

Its a childminder or you stay at home to look after your child; there are no other options.

Shaxx · 31/01/2014 12:53

Don't do it. Trust your instincts.

rookiemater · 31/01/2014 12:58

PMDD - it's very sad what you said about your Mum looking after your DCs:

I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up.

It's actually not you who is having to suck it up, it's your DS. Look I'm all for parents having a bit of child free time together, but here it sounds like the cost to your middle DS is too high.

OP, check how much childcare costs and if you get any tax credits. Your DP is sticking his head in the sand about this, so you are going to have to be the baddy and let MIL know. No way should a baby be allowed to roam anywhere near cat pee & poo, or a biting dog.

Be prepared for MIl to offer all sorts of concessions if she believes you are serious about looking for alternative care. Don't believe a word of it though, she'll backtrack as soon as you are back at work and vulnerable because you need the care.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 31/01/2014 12:59

I pay 45 a day to leave my dd with a chdminder and it is money worth spending to ensure the safety of my child. Can you use her child benefit for childcare? Look into childcare tax credit and childcare vouchers towards funding an official childcare provider. There is no way I would leave my child with her under any circumstances.

Goldmandra · 31/01/2014 13:03

Look into childcare tax credit and childcare vouchers towards funding an official childcare provider.

This.

If you qualify for tax credits you can claim childcare costs too so a nursery or childminder may not be more expensive.

Chippednailvarnish · 31/01/2014 13:03

If you don't like it, then you're just going to have to pay for childcare like everyone else does.

Original poster

Kirkdale · 31/01/2014 13:05

Thanks everyone for all the different opinions. I know my baby is my no. 1. I just won't put up with mil shit.

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 31/01/2014 13:12

I have a similar dilemma OP. Tho not as bad. My parents have offered to look after dc but their way of looking after is not mine. They will put them in front of Cbeebies all day and feed them chocolate. They also have a dog and think it's charming and funny to let DS eat from the dog bowl. The dog is old and grumpy and cannot be trusted and their responses are slow to say the least. Especially my dad.

However, it would mean not being able to go back to work and possibly not being able to afford the buy a house. As childcare would be more than my wages. So i think it is irrelevant if you do the sums out of just your wages or joint income, if you pool all your money, as we do, the sums are the same.

DH is fine with them going to my parents in principle, but for me the reality will be different.

Have you sat and really spoken to your DH? Does he have any concerns at all? Or is it a case of a man jumping of a tower block and saying so far so good at every floor he passes - Ie fine till you hit the floor. Then it's really really not fine.

I read most dog attacks on children are at their grandparents house.

Gruntfuttock · 31/01/2014 13:18

OP, you owe it to your child not to leave her with your MIL. You know she won't be safe, so you can't do it, you just can't.

mumofsnotbags · 31/01/2014 13:24

Kirkdale Its seriously not worth it. My mil offered to look after ds for 2 days a week when i went back to work. To settle him in she had him for a few saturdays.

1st sat i went in he had a can of hairspray in his mouth as she was getting her hair done, i looked over and they had used a normal bowl to mix bleach in, 1 that she could possibly feed food to ds out of.

2nd (dont know how it got to a second to be honest but dp persuaded me it was a one off) it was may, still cold outside and there garden is a wind trap, id told her he had a cold so keep an eye on him. Went to collect him, he was sat in the windy garden, in a paddling pool with the next door neighbours knickers on. She had got the pool and was too excited to wait for him to use it so bunged him in it anyway, think he was about 10 months at the time.

The following monday i told her i wouldnt be needing her to watch him, made out like id got him in a nursery that was really cheap and wanted him to be around other children, she bitched and moaned about me to anyone who would listen, and my dp stayed out of backing me up slightly now and then. Just couldnt leave my child with her, even though she loves him dearly she has no common sense at all and cares more about making things exciting for her so she can blab to her mates in the pub.

Hes been in nursery 2 days a week, I get child tax credits which pays for a percentage then myself and dp are eft to pay £18 a week between us. Id of been paying mil £30 so its also cheaper, look into tax credits and find a nursery close to you

on another note, is kirkdale your area or just your name, if its where you live im not that far away and can recommend some nurseries near to you that are good .

Icelollycraving · 31/01/2014 13:31

Pm to allow your child to be with a grandparent who shouts at their child for the sake of an evening with their dh is really awful. If they shout in front of you,what is it like when you are out?

Gruntfuttock · 31/01/2014 13:33

"Have you sat and really spoken to your DH? Does he have any concerns at all? Or is it a case of a man jumping of a tower block and saying so far so good at every floor he passes - Ie fine till you hit the floor. Then it's really really not fine."

What an excellent analogy, it's one I've not heard before, but it's very apt in this case.

Original poster

Kirkdale · 31/01/2014 13:33

Lol its my name. I didn't think about the place
Haha my sister calls me kirk cos of my first name and just ended up calling me kirkdale haha.

Also we earn too much for tax credits and pretty much every benefits apart from child benefit. But we still have to pay rent and bills. So we're not left with a lot at the end of the day.

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 31/01/2014 13:39

Consider that the most likely dog to bite a young child is not one in their own house but in a grandparent's house. You can't leave a baby in a house with a dog which has a history of biting and with an owner who doesn't try to keep them apart.

There's a big difference between an caregiver not following your routine to the letter or giving treats and one which actually puts your DC at risk. Investigate your local childminders and nurseries and see what help you're entitled to before writing them off.

MinesAPintOfTea · 31/01/2014 13:41

In that case do either of your employers do the childcare voucher scheme? DH gets these which are from pre-tax income which comes in at about a 30% discount after tax and NI.

diddl · 31/01/2014 13:44

You either need to accept how she does things or find other child care. You cannot tell her what to do when she's doing you a favour and saving you a fortune

Absolutely agree with that. but I think that-
"MIL's attitude to the bitey dog and the cat shit would be a deal breaker to me."-that is the bigger issue.

As for this-
"I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up."

Are you really that desperate for time alone??

rumbleinthrjungle · 31/01/2014 13:49

Agree that if you use family for childcare you have to go along with their way of doing things - but there are definitely limits! The dog and cat would be a deal breaker for me and that's speaking as a dog and cat owner. If a dog owner doesn't start from the point of view of 'this is a serious potential risk I have to be aware of and plan to manage so problems can't arise' then they have no business ever putting their dog and a baby in the same room no matter how trustworthy the dog, for the well being and safety of both of them. And if your MiL is this unaware of these blatant risks you've seen and is this reluctant to babyproof then goodness knows what other risks she won't be aware of. Particularly the more active and mobile your DC gets.

It sounds like you know what you want to do, your problem is working out how to afford to do it. Maybe try talking to your local Sure Start children's centre? They used to have some pretty good financial advice in my area, and a core brief of helping parents who want to work to find affordable childcare.

MarthasChin · 31/01/2014 13:52

sort out other childcare arrangements or you will end up damaging family relationships.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 31/01/2014 13:52

OP, you have atleast 4 choices here:

Dont go back to work
Accept the way your MIL does things, and the risk the dog might bite DD.
Tell you MIL that she has to look after your DD at your house without the dog.
Get other childcare.

What you do is up to you, but i would not be happy with my child around a snappy dog, that risk is not worth it, nor is the money you save.

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