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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my children should be able to play on their own with toys?

32 replies

hooochycoo · 29/01/2014 18:15

I've a nearly five year old and a nearly two year old. This afternoon we've been in doors as the weather is awful and I'm knackered and a bit fed up. All they've done all day is pester me , follow me around whining, try and play with stuff they aren't allowed (my laptop, my make up bag, the phone, the cooker) and fight with each other.

I have got paints out for them, got toys out and started them off playing with various things. They last about 2 mins. I'm utterly sick if it. Have I done something wrong? Why don't they know how to play?

They aren't admittedly in the house much in the day, between play dates, preschool, playgroups and general life. But FFS, surely it's inherent that children know how to play ?

OP posts:

Anonfornow00 · 29/01/2014 18:23

Exactly the same here, piles and piles of toys DD wants nothing to do with just wants to be on top of me, literally.

Original poster

hooochycoo · 29/01/2014 18:42

What is the point of all the toys? They just enjoy having then, but don't actually play with any if them.

They play with stuff they've been asked to leave alone

OP posts:

FlyAwayToMalibu · 29/01/2014 18:46

Same here.

TheBookofRuth · 29/01/2014 18:48

DD is two and will play with her toys on her own quite happily for a good 30 minutes or so, sometimes more, before coming looking for me. I'm unsure whether this is just a personality thing - her dad and I are both very good at entertaining ourselves - or whether she has learnt to do so because I'm not very good at "playing" with her.

LEMmingaround · 29/01/2014 18:49

Two words - Wernacky box! (i think thats how you say it)

Its a box full of grown up stuff - age appropriate so nothing that the litlle one would choke on. So, spoons, old necklaces, general nicknaks - give them the box, let them investigate.

SparklingMuppet · 29/01/2014 18:51

Some children are just like that. My friends eldest ds aged 7 still can't play by himself for more than five to ten minutes. Really, he just can't, and has to have practically his entire waking hours planned for him.

pianodoodle · 29/01/2014 18:53

I don't know - maybe if they're out a lot at groups etc... they like playing with other children so don't play on their own much?

Mine pesters DH like that at the weekend as he's more of a novelty. She plays happily alone during the week I suspect because she sees me all day long and wants a break from my face

soontobeslendergirl · 29/01/2014 18:55

Wow - I didn't know that some kids don't just go and play with their stuff. I have been incredibly lucky and never realised.

Mine are 13 and 12 now so it's lucky that they surface from screen at all, but when they were younger they would play away for hours.

Eldest when he was about 18 months old spent about 2 hours raking about in his toys only to eventually appear with a piece of jigsaw that was missing from the puzzle he'd been doing earlier. We can only assume that he had been looking for it all that time :o They both had a good level of concentration, I just thought that's what kids did.

Could you now just chuck them in the bath together to play for a while and get them off to bed early?

coco44 · 29/01/2014 19:00

children who are 'over entertained' often can't play

Original poster

hooochycoo · 29/01/2014 19:02

Friend's children will do that too, I so envy people whose kids will sit colouring for half hour, or looking at books. The closest my two get to it is emptying a toy box all over the floor and running off screaming.

I'm self analysing, and I do tend to spend alot if time outdoors, meeting up with friends or at playgroups. I'm bit unsure of which came first in this chicken/ egg scenario, as I generally go out cause they are a nightmare in the house. But are they a nightmare in the house because I generally go out?

OP posts:

lilyaldrin · 29/01/2014 19:08

If they're used to being entertained/busy then maybe they haven't had a chance to develop independent play skills? I ignored my DS a lot so he learned to play by himself

Maybe try using a timer and telling them they HAVE to play/leave you alone for 5 minutes. Once they can manage that, make it 10, 15 etc.

gruffalosmile · 29/01/2014 19:10

I work with young children and I know how tiring and frustrating it can be to be stuck at home. However I think your expectations are a bit high to be honest. I think some children like or need an adult to sit with them, at least to get them started, some children need to be shown what to do, or like help for example to set up a train track or whatever. Maybe sit down on the floor with them for a while and begin the play with them, then once they are playing you can gradually withdraw but stay close. What sort of toys do they have? I think open ended toys are best at this age, like toy animals, or blocks, or toy cars - things they can play with easily without too much setting up or fiddly bits. Not many two year olds would sit and paint for long to be honest, but they might sit and play with a big tray or bowl full of something like sand or oatmeal or a washing up bowl full of water on the kitchen floor. Something textural and soothing. Or like another poster has said give them a box of bits and bobs - or even just a cardboard box! Or help them build a den - sheets and big clothes pegs are great for this. Maybe put a CD on of some funny music and video them dancing around. I also used to find that a nice bath with lots of bubbles was fun and soothing if tempers got frayed (in fact I still do this with my 9 year old if she's tired and bad tempered). I also think it's really important to get everyone out for fresh air even just a walk to the shops. Or put your waterproofs on and go splashing in puddles. Or take them for a swim. Or if all else fails go round to a friends for a coffee and stick cbeebies on, if only to give yourself a break.

SuckItAndSee · 29/01/2014 19:14

i would expect a nearly 5yo to play independently for short periods
not a 2yo though

i would also add that I have found the "speculate to accumulate" rule works well here. If i need some quiet time to get something done, I find the DC are far more likely to play nicely for 30mins or so if I've sat and spend 30mins engaging with them quite intensively on a craft activity or something beforehand.

Original poster

hooochycoo · 29/01/2014 19:15

Gruffalo, check to all that. I do start them off. I start off tea parties, build train tracks, FFS sake they had a cardboard box today and a den. But as so as I'm not there they abandon the game and follow me round whining again

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gruffalosmile · 29/01/2014 19:33

Oh dear hoochycoo that does sound like hard work! I do agree that the 5 year old probably ought to be able to play indepedently at least for a while, the 2 year old possibly less so. How about rewarding independent play as in "you play with the trains for 20 mins and then we will have a cuddle and a story"? or even stickers? It sounds a bit as if there is a certain amount of attention seeking. How much of your undivided time/attention do they get normally? Maybe they are just wanting some Mummy time. It also sounds as if you have a very busy/structured life. Maybe they would benefit from less structured time so they do learn to amuse themselves a bit more. I hope all that doesn't sound judgemental, just trying to think of options! At work we do find that some children just prefer more adult attention, others are happy to be independent, all different I guess.

ziggiestardust · 29/01/2014 19:38

They're all different; my son is (a young 3) and can play by himself for long periods. I do think this is because I'm on my own at the minute, and work ft; so evenings and weekends are the only time I can catch up on housework; so quite honestly he has to just get on with it and be bored for a little bit if needs be. I suppose it's just built up over time really.

SEmyarse · 29/01/2014 19:43

My mum always used to moan that I would never play with toys, so gave up getting any and only got books or family board games. I still gained toys from other places but mostly didn't play with them.

My kids don't know how to play either, and I can't help them because I still don't know how to play. I can do games with rules, but anything else I'm stuck, I literally don't know what to do with dolls or cars or whatever. so the annoyance goes on.

CPtart · 29/01/2014 19:48

My 11 year old is STILL like this!

Yama · 29/01/2014 19:53

I never played by myself as a young child. I had two brothers and my Mum loved making stuff to play with us. We were always altogether.

As I am not good at playing my children have become amazing at it. They will both happily play for hours on their own. Eldest is 8, youngest is 3.

I look at them in wonder as they make their toys talk, talk, talk. They get to escape into their own wee world.

Olivegirl · 29/01/2014 19:57

There was a particular game that my dds would play upstairs and it would last for HOURS!!
A game they named " boarding schools" firstly having to build the school and it's grounds , stables , place the horses etc ... Then play the game with their dolls who were the pupils and teachers.

I remember whenever they began this game my dh and I would high five each other, gleefully , knowing we had a few blissful hours of peace.

Passthecake30 · 29/01/2014 20:00

We have a skip outside atm, whenever I threaten to get rid of everything they haven't played with....they obviously stop hassling for my IPad and start with the plastic fantastic.

Original poster

hooochycoo · 29/01/2014 20:11

By the time I had to cook dinner today i was so incensed with them that everytime one of them came through i picked them up and took them back to their room and told them to play with their toys. must have done it a dozen times. aaaagh.

OP posts:

PeriodFeatures · 29/01/2014 20:14

Loose parts! That's what you need! a big length of fabric, a cardboard box, a length of tubing. some cushions. Leave them out. They will make their own play. The problem with 'toys' is that they prescribe play.

Your children are probably used to being entertained and having 'activities' activities are different to play. I would suggest you spend a few more frustrating days like this, stuck indoors. Do the minimum in terms of interacting with them, stick the loose parts out and sooner or later, they will be able to play freely with less adult intervention.

Original poster

hooochycoo · 29/01/2014 21:58

they have them things, today believe it or not they had a cardboard box, a bit of fabric and some cushions.

OP posts:

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 29/01/2014 22:15

Read 'Playful Parenting' its v good and eye-opening

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