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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being unfair carrying DD up and down the stairs

86 replies

Booboostoo · 29/01/2014 17:09

I need some perspective on this, is DP being perfectly reasonable and making his own parental choices, or is he messing up my parenting of DD?

DD is 2.8yo, weighs 14kilos and is 95cm tall, so quite a big toddler. I have had trouble lifting her for a while so this autumn I introduced other alternatives. When we are out she can choose between walking and the buggy which works quite well but in the house she just has to make it up our flight of stairs by herself because I can no longer carry her (also pregnant at the moment so becoming less and less able to carry her anyway). She can choose to crawl up, or bum shuffle, or whatever, as long as she does it by herself.

The no carrying on the strairs rule was quite controvercial to introduce and was met by quite a few tears but I stuck to it and 90% of the time she was going up and down without fuss. Then DP intervened and said he would carry her. I did object but he said it was his choice and nothing to do with me. He said DD could learn to go up by herself with me and be carried by him.

A few weeks forward we now have a situation where DD goes ballistic at the mention of the stairs and screams until DP (who works from home) comes to carry her. DP is now due to go away for work (2 weeks, back a week and then away for a month, so quite a long time) and I fear I will have to re-train DD about the stairs and she seems to be more wound up about it that before.

I asked DP to re-teach her to go up and down by herself and he refused saying that it was he parenting choice. He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

I think he is being an arse.

OP posts:
HoratiaDrelincourt · 30/01/2014 09:00

He is being weird.

You need to address his issues about bf before the new baby comes, though.

mrswishywashy · 30/01/2014 09:14

As a nanny I've quite often had difference in expectations of independence between the children's parents and I. What I've found is if either side are resistant or annoyed at what the other side is doing that is when the child will stick their heels in. She is old enough to understand that there are different rules in the world. Just keep it simple if you need her up stairs, warn her that we're going up stairs to do read a book/have a bath/get ready for bed etc, tell her its time and then you head up the stairs. Don't nag, don't show any reaction to her cries. If husband comes out to carry her up stairs then at least she is up. While husband is away then I expect there won't be so much carry on as there is no other option other than for her to climb the stairs.

MrsMook · 30/01/2014 09:28

He is being unreasonable. DS1 is 3 and likes a "carry" or "piggyback" on the stairs sometimes, as a comfort thing. He does climb them independently, and knows if I'm carrying DS2 that I can't. I couldn't carry him last year when pg, or after the birth when SPD had me crawling on the stais. He understands that mummy and daddy have different methods, and that there are times when he can't choose to be carried. He's been using the stairs independently since he was 1, long before he walked.

Your situation is different as your DD needs that consistency to encourage independence, and your approach for practical reasons has been undermined. What would he expect you to do if she's still dependent on being carriec when DC2 is born? What would happen if you had a CS and couldn't pick her up for a prolonged period? (After DS1 was born, I had to use both hands on the stairs as I had no balance, and when DH returned to work, I had to pick a floor and DS had to stay on it until DH got home) How is he expecting you to manage when he's away?

With the BFing being raised as an issue, it sounds like there is a deeper underlying issue that needs discussion.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 30/01/2014 09:30

Oh, I don't know. Obviously it's ridiculous carrying a 2yo up the stairs when they are more than capable of doing it themselves, but I would have thought it possible that she can adjust to things being different with you.

My dh tends to IMO baby our eldest, so does things like carries her bike for her or give her lifts when out (I can't because I'm pushing the buggy), and still occasionally carries her up the stairs -she's 3. But she copes fine and never even asks me to do those things.

What happens if you completely ignore her tantruming? Don't talk about her going up the stair s herself, just take it as read that she will and go up and down without her? She perfectly capable of following you so I don't think it's mean to just leave her to it.

holidaysarenice · 30/01/2014 09:33

My dad carried me up to bed for years, ditto big brother at a time.

My mum...she'd have laughed at the suggestion. I'd have been sleeping in the hallway.

Its a no and that's final, you can stay there.

And yes dp is an arse.

Original poster
Booboostoo · 30/01/2014 11:24

We went and bought special up and down the stairs stickers today and DP has agreed to try and use them as well so we'll see what happens. I feel I have to address the bf issue as well but currently we both have the flu from hell so it's not the best time to get into it. Should we survive the flu (highly suspect!) I will try to get to the bottom of his bf problems (I've tried before but the discussion has never been very productive).

OP posts:
DoJo · 30/01/2014 12:25

I don't agree that your husband is an arse just for having his own way of doing things with your daughter. My husband plays guitar to and with our son, but I can't so he learned at a much younger age than your daughter is that it's only worth asking one of us to play the guitar with him. Similarly, we have only just realised that we have completely different routines for putting our son to bed - his story time and lights out order works for him and mine works for me, and even when tired my son can accept that it happens in a different way with each of us.
Your daughter is old enough to understand that mummy does certain things one way and daddy does them another. Carrying vs walking up stairs isn't exactly a major parenting issue and I think you should all be able to cope with a little flexibility within your routine.

LayMeDown · 30/01/2014 12:47

Gosh I think people are being harsh on your DP. You are perfectly right to decide yo can't carry her upstairs anymore, but if DP can why shouldn't he?
If this is a principled stand rather than a physical one (ie you strongly believe she shouldn't be carried at this age) than you should have discussed it with him before hand. You can't make parenting decisions uni laterally and expect the other parent to impose them without question.
If its just a matter that you physically aren't able then fine. You don't do it but Daddy does when he is here. My DD was 18 months when I got pregnant with my second. Even at that age she could grasp that Mummy couldn't carry her because of her sore back but Daddy could.
His bf argument is strange one. Maybe he does feel excluded, and you are obviously ignoring his opinions on it which must be frustrating for him. I don't know the answer tbh. I did extended bf with mine, but I suppose if H felt it was preventing him bonding with them as toddlers I would have at least listened to his views. It must be hurtful if your child constantly goes to the other parent for comfort.

Chattymummyhere · 30/01/2014 13:15

You both need to agree and work together, we don't let our 2.2 year old do the stairs but she has hyper mobility, irritable hip, turnt in bone and is with a specialist...

cornflakegirl · 30/01/2014 13:29

My 4yo and 8yo both like to be carried upstairs sometimes. It's a treat. So DP is NBU to carry her sometimes. He is completely unreasonable to do it to punish you. Good luck with sorting that. (I fed DS1 to 3yo and DS2 to 4yo, didn't stop either of them having a great attachment to DH.)

Just a thought - can being carried by DP be part of the reward for using the stairs by herself when she's with you?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 30/01/2014 13:43

The problem isn't that you don't want to carry and she does. It is the fact you are married to an arse. His stupid attitude means he gets to piss off his wife and upset his daughter who may be confused by the change in routine now that Disney dad is carrying her again. Giving in to her tantrums is a recipe for disaster.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 30/01/2014 13:43

*he not sheq

cafecito · 30/01/2014 13:44

I don't think he is being an arse, actually. Simply tell her you cannot do it but he can sometimes - say yourback hurts, or you are pregnant. It won't ruin her being carried up and down the stairs. I am petite and have back pain but I still carry DS, 4, when he is distressed but I often say NO I can't today.

I think you're overanalysing his way of explaining it to you. She is distressed - it's normal to want to help

I also think you might want to keep in the back of your mind any possibility of mobility issues and watch out for any subtle signs.

blahblahblah2014 · 30/01/2014 13:52

Why are you still BF a child that's nearly 3? Weird IMO....

blahblahblah2014 · 30/01/2014 13:53

and especially if you are sick with the flu as you mentioned

JohnCusacksWife · 30/01/2014 13:54

Surely the bigger issue is why a nearly 3 yr old has such an issue with stairs. It's a bit odd, isn't it? If you can sort that out then the carrying/not carrying problem disappears.

K8Middleton · 30/01/2014 13:54

He sounds like a cock. And wtaf is the breastfeeding stuff all about? Sounds like he could do with a chat with a therapist to explore his issues so he can keep his arse-like tendencies for session discussion only and not at home.

He must have some amazing and as yet unmentioned qualities to make him worth putting up with.

Merrylegs · 30/01/2014 14:00

Bf is 'your' thing. The carrying is his. He can't bf, you can't carry. He is being an idiot to compare the two, but it's obvious he is feeling excluded and possibly unsure around DD -are they both a little shy of each other?

nennypops · 30/01/2014 14:11

Gosh I think people are being harsh on your DP. You are perfectly right to decide yo can't carry her upstairs anymore, but if DP can why shouldn't he?

Try reading the OP? He shouldn't because it has set back DD's progress, because she is using it to demand that Daddy carries her every time, because it is causing her severe distress when she can't be carried.

Acinonyx · 30/01/2014 14:13

Presumably she only has an issue with the stairs because she likes daddy to carry her. Very similar here. I totally stopped carrying when dd was 3 - lots of tears and protests and they only way is to be 100% consistent even if you actually don't mind occasionally. Dh continued to carry her and she carried on begging him - but she knew not to ask me. It can work with different rules as long as you, yourself never give in.

Dh often carries her up to bed now and she's 8! He's going away soon and you can be sure I won't be doing it.

TeenAndTween · 30/01/2014 14:16

I think that you are both 'babying' her a little bit.

You baby her by continuing to BF. (She's going to feel pretty displaced by your new baby unless there is a good gap between her stopping and the new baby).

He in 'retaliation' is babying her by carrying on the stairs when she is able to do it herself.

I think you both need to help her grow up a little bit into the toddler she is. But carrying upstairs at the end of the day when tired is fine. I carried my 9yo upstairs the other day Blush.

MeMySonAndI · 30/01/2014 14:18

I don't think is so much an issue of carrying up and down the stairs but about her learning that you have the right to say no to some requests even if you have no other reason for it than not wanting to do it.

Being 3 and able to go up and down the stairs, being carried up or down is a bonus, not a right.

halfwildlingwoman · 30/01/2014 15:03

Oh god, I shouldn't say this, I know, because I'm being a MN cliche. But, I taught a boy with autism who hated stairs and had to be managed very carefully in preparation for going up them.

I'm not going to say that you should stop BF. However, I suspect you may have issues when the baby comes if your DD doesn't feel a bit more grown-up soon. Perhaps that will work with your DP as a reason to re-train her about the stairs. I do also think he's being a bit of an arse though.
If you go upstairs without her and wait she will do herself. My DC can be lazy, but they are quickly motivated with stuff they want to do.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 30/01/2014 16:06

My 12wo exclusively bf baby has a great bond with his father, as do his two elder extended bf brothers. The bf is a red herring.

Indeed, tandem feeding could help DD's acceptance of new baby, not hinder it.

RunnerHasbeen · 30/01/2014 16:18

When I was heavily pregnant, my 20month old had to go up and down herself. She would always go happily (even if she was refusing at first) if I threw her blanket up 5/6 steps and just before she reached it threw it up some more. If she has a teddy or something you could maybe try and turn stairs into a game. Your DH might be happier to play like that than to battle/ discipline (especially as he doesn't see it as his fight)? Surely you can find a compromise or way that works for you both, you are married with children and it must be disrupting his work now.