To think I should have control over my own three year old?

[Thereistoomuchconfusion]

This is all really! I have lost control of her. I'm at the end of my tether, exhausted and just don't know what to do :(

Try reading 123 magic. Takes the emotion out of the situation and gives her consequences.

How have you lost control??
Is she tantrumming (is that even a word?!?)....Are you on your own, or have you help from DP/DH, familty or friends?

Take a breath, start from the beginning. What's going on?

Tell us about it. Fellow DM of 'spirited' 3 yo here.

another DM of a 'spirited' just turned 4yo. i feel your pain. tell us whats going on, get it off your chest.

I'm married, when I work he looks after the children, when he works I have the children, I cannot really remember what he looks like! I have a 6 y/o who on the whole is well behaved. My 3 y/o is a handful and I think I have myself to blame. It starts in the morning when every day she has a tantrum because she wants to wear a party dress everyday! Or a princess dress! This sets up the day already stressed out with that battle sometimes literally pinning her down to get her dressed. She can get herself dressed. Then she won't eat breakfast then complain after school run she is hungry I refuse to feed her anything else apart from breakfast so she has full blown melt down about me saying no to crisps/chocolate/biscuits (don't flame me but I have given in on occasion). Last week whilst waiting for her sister to finish school she just walked out the playground with someone else luckily I noticed and ran after her before she actually got out the gate. She ran into the road another time when I was trying to stop her running off and she was so close to getting run over. She screams blue mood murder if I say no. And every one laughs at her and thinks she is so sweet. She doesn't go to bed without a fight won't eat without a fight. Won't get dressed.

Worst of all I know it's all my fault. With my dd1 we had reward chart we stuck to!! We actually followed through with punishments not just threatened them we actually spent a great deal of time working on behavior, but dd2 just gets no time. If it's just me and her and she gets attention and we play together and she is supervised 100% of the time then she is fine, but realistically this just isn't possible. Just so fed up. And scared by the dangerous things she does like road safety I am so strict with this yet she has no respect for the road. She is not scared by anything. And I'm so tired I end up shouting like a mad women which makes the house tense and horrible. Oh and she bites kicks and hits her sister for nothing in particular.

I really thought before I had kids I would be a good mum!

OK so first thing is first...IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and YOU ARE A GOOD MUM...
away to re read your post and reply with something constructive :) ( I hope!)

You are not responsible for this. The age of 3 is! Just because the occasional 3yo behaves like a civilised human being does not negate the fact that this is definitely One of the Difficult Ages. It is officially recognised as such by the combined wisdom of Mumsnet.

I have two teenagers. And look back at their threenage with a shudder of "how did I ever survive this". 13 and 17 are a doodle in comparison.

'twill pass. They grow out of it. In the meantime make life easier for yourself:

put reins on her if she can't behave near roads

let her wear a favourite dress if she insists

or let her do the school run in pyjamas

don't fight over eating- just calmly serve the food and ignore any whining over hunger later

allow yourself to forget (once you have taken reasonable safety precautions): she behaved badly last week, that was last week, they have short memories, allow yourself something of the same luxury

and meanwhile have a and some on us

Can you try and pick your battles? The clothes issue is not that important in the scheme of things so perhaps you could let her wear whatever she wants. For breakfast you could offer 2-3 alternatives and she can choose and if she doesn not want them at breakfast the same things are offered when she says she is hungry later on (it sounds like she may be refusing breakfast to hold out for cakes and biscuits later on). And then use all your energy to insist on road safety. Try one of those types of reins that come with a fun backpack so that you can make the association a positive one. As for running away after school can you have a word with her teachers to keep an eye on her and keep her indoors until you get there?

Ok...why do you blame yourself? Whatever ideal you have in your head of how you or your 3 YO should behave...scrap it now...

Does she wear party dresses some days? Or her princess dress? Sometimes its ok to let her wear dress up for a day, its not the first time that I have done the school run with my 2yo in his superman costume because trying to wrestle him in to anything else is only going to get me, him and my other 3 completely stressed out.

I know its hard...trust me...Im on number 4!!! But I find distraction the best.

We had a melt down today because I wouldnt put the space jam DVD on. The fact I was trying to get his jacket on to collect his siblings from school clearly was a non issue...we ended up with the deal that he could hold the DVD all the way to the school and home again, if he would wait till we got back. We have a melt down at bed time with jammas and teeth brushing, so its a case of "do you want to brush your teeth (which he loves doing ) before or after your jammas...either way the jammas are going on"

What about reins (can be very taboo I know) or one of those wrist straps to aid at school run time?

I wouldnt even dream of flaming you about the relenting on the biscuit situation, I have also done so on occasion.

She is going to do dangerous stuff, theres nothing you can d about that Im afraid, some kids just have an inbuilt "I am invincible" setting, other than continue as you are doing and keeping her from it...or saving her as the case may be :)

Above all, please, please be kind to yourself and have a big slice of ...you are doing a good job!!! And you are most definitely NOT to blame. Its a hard job, and on the whole thankless until one day it all clicks in to place.

Is there anyone who can help you out a bit? Get a break and recharge? Everything is always so much more worse when you are exhausted and touched out.

Ok, firstly take a deep breath. you are a good mum i'm sure, you're just feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

What you need to do is take all emotion out of the equation and the best way to do this is to have a stock answer and consequence that requires no thinking from your part.

DS1 (4) is very high maintenance, throws massive tantrums, fusses at dinner etc. i was where you are a few months ago. One evening i sat down and made a plan based around counting to 5, naughty step and reward/sticker chart.

So for things like getting dressed we do races. I challenge DS to get dressed before i've managed to get the DTs dressed, he loves this. Would your older DD be willing to help with this? This also works for getting coats and shoes on etc.

For most other things the conversation is as follows:
DS, do XXX please.
DS, if you havent done XXX by the time i count to 5 you will sit on the naughty step.
Count to 5
Naughty step.
The first few days i think he spent more time on the step than not but now he only ends up there once a day.

With things like walking i explain before we leave the house that he can walk a bit ahead as long as he stops when i say. if he doesnt stop he has to hold my hand.

Meals are very simple. I put food down, he starts fussing and i say
'Your choice is to eat your breakfast/lunch/dinner or to not eat it an be hungry. if you choose not to eat it there is nothing else until "next meal". i dont engage any further in conversations about the meal. children will not starve themselves and the odd missed meal wont hurt them.

The violence i take a harder line on, DS knows that any violence towards his siblings goes straight to the naughty step.

you need to not let the screams get to you, if she sees a reaction she'll keep going. it will be really really hard for a few days but it is so worth it, DS is so so much better now and i enjoy my time with him so much more. the key is consistancy, when DS's behaviour starts to slip i normally find its because i have slipped in the consistancy.

Can you sit down with DH and agree a plan going forward? and also try and carve out some family time? Please dont beat yourself up about it, it is all things that can be improved. I swear they get like this so that by the time they go to school we are thinking 'yes please take them!' rather than 'ooh my poor little baby!'

I did a parenting course at a children's centre and it really opened my eyes to different discipline and praise tactics. It cost £10 and it was AMAZING! It really helped when I'd reached a brick wall.

I think somehow the 2nd child is more shocking because you thought you had it down 1st time around and now when your tricks don't work you're stuck.

My 5yo dd is an angel, but my (positively cherubic-looking) nearly 3yo dd is a monster sometimes & much, much, much more wilful and dramatic. And violent. And moody. God she's awful sometimes & I haven't the faintest idea how to deal with her sometimes.

I take consolation from posts like yours, and tales from other mums with awful 2nd daughters, and assume that so long as I am consistent & moderately strict, it will eventually work out. In the meantime, there's always drink.

Oh, and I let her go out in fairy/Princess costumes. She's happy to let me layer them up, and she does look cute in a Snow White dress, thick cardigan and boots.

I have a theory that your (for some of us :) ) your first are positively angelic...this means that you want to have more!!! If I had had my DS4 first...I wouldnt have had any more kids!!! He is such a handful

it is not unusul to see children in dressing up clothes in the school yard.

ds used to run off, so had reins or the death grip on his arm, or the buggy with reins over the top of the straps to stop escaping. he was told that if he ran off these were the consequences. he didn't like it, I was criticised by the head teacher, it wasn't pretty, but he is alive and not under a bus. and for him it as the right thing to do in the circumstances.

bribery works with ds occasionally. he gets a reward for going to bed in his own bed... this can be used to kill two birds with one stone... if you don't get dressed you won't have time for your jellybaby. what is her currency? tv? chocolate? sweeties? computer time? a go on your phone? some children will even work for praise alone!

breakfast. ds is horrible in the mornings. at one point he was not allowed in the same room as dd until he had been fed as he would bite hit scratch her for no reason. will she eat your breakfast? ds will refuse to eat his own breakfast hen in a mood but will happily pinch "mine" will she eat it if you spoon it in? i resort to this sometimes as it is better than the alterntive of monster ds. it is not my first choice of how to achieve the result I want, ( boy that is fed and calm)

I give ds options. eg he gets into the car himself or I put him in. I chose whata I want him to do, he gets to choose how it is done.

can i point out that you have evidence that you can do this. your first child.

turns out ds has asd. I knew this when he was three, but he did not get diagnosed until he was four, and that is quite early. in the mean time I had to get through the terrible two and threes.

People tell you about the terrible two’s, what they don’t tell you is that when they hit three they are much, much worse, they don’t call them threenagers for nothing.

My number one tip would be communication. Communicate everything that will happen, and rule two is consistency. So things like going home from the park I would say “we’re going in five minutes, then four, then three and so on. Doesn’t have to be an actual five minutes, they are unable to tell time at that age just as long as the countdown happens.

Running off is simple – get some reins. I didn’t have a runner but I am VI so it was vital that DS llearn to stay with me, so I had reins, but I also attached a wrist strap to the handle so he had a bit more leeway in terms of movement.

Meals are simple. This is what you give them, and if they don’t eat it they go hungry. They learn soon enough.

And give warnings. “I am going to count to three, and if you don’t stop then you will go to the naughty step/time-out/whatever it is you choose to call it. (I am more in favour of the term time-out than the naughty step but it’s about personal preference.)

Always, always follow through. If you tell her there will be a consequence then ensure there is a consequence, it’s the only way she will learn.

And lastly, pick your battles. Running off/hitting/kicking/screaming are battles you must always win because some of them are just not acceptable while others may be dangerous, but wanting to wear a princess dress isn’t worth a 45 minute tantrum that leaves you feeling far more frazzled than she is. Work out what’s really important and what really just isn’t worth the tantrum.

And never forget the phrase “it’s a phase, this too will pass.”

Mine is now an eleven year old pre-teen, and I was saying only this morning too someone how much easier it was when he was a three year old. ;)

Thank you everyone, all the advice is great and hearing that others have similar problems is reassuring.

I got out her ladybird backpack with a lead on today as scared she will bolt into the road. Tbh I don't like them but safety comes first. I know this shouldn't factor into to it and I probably sound a bit pathetic but....I worry far to much about what the other mums at the gate think of my parenting and this gets me all stressed and I swear this contributes to her 'naughtier' behaviour on the school run. I know I should not care what they think but I see the judgey looks especially from this one lady who's dd just stands there patiently waiting for her brother to finish school holding her mums hand, talking nicely to her mum about what a lovely day they have had, while my dd2 runs around like a hurricane shouting and playing climbing all over the playground apparatus!

I do love her she is so full of character but god is she hard work!! Thanks again. I really am thankful for the reassurance and all the advice it's great. I would love to do a parenting class.

Oh good God, I do sympathise with you. I'm currently having some chill out time up in my room while my husband wrangles with our very headstrong 3 year old. She has completely frazzled me today. The constant battles and appalling attitude are incredibly wearing.

Definitely get the backpack for when you're near roads. If you're somewhere like a park practice letting her go a bit and getting her to stop - we play the traffic light game. She has to stop on red but she can go on green. Loads and loads of praise for listening and lots of talk about how stopping when I tell her keeps her safe on the roads.

Pick your battles. Does it matter if she wears a Princess Dress every single day?! I'd just let her.

Stand firm on the things that matter though, it's so, so tempting to give in on stuff and avoid the tantrums but I've been trying to embrace the tantrums lately! I see every tantrum as a sign that, actually, I'm a good parent. She is having the tantrum because I'm sticking to my guns on something important and not giving in. Personally, nothing invokes admiration for a fellow mother than seeing her stand firm and implacable in the face of a screaming tantrum. My husband ended up carting my 3 year old under his arm screaming and thrashing around on the school run the other week. Loads of people came up to compliment him to me on how calm he was and how well he handled it!

One thing that is helping with food battles here is letting DD help and do stuff for herself as much as possible i.e. 'no, you can't have a biscuit but would you like to make yourself some toast?'

God, sounds exactly like my 4yo (just four last month so young 4). I do let her wear 'princess' dresses when they are clean, but sometimes it seems like if you let one thing go, another thing becomes the issue in its' place. Massively embarrassing behaviour in public, hits and pulls hair of me and her older sister in rages (I do shout over that, I try not to usually but sometimes it's painful), though apparently she is great at nursery. Sticker and rewards chart helps a bit, especially with getting ready issues, but I think she is just very emotionally intense in personality, so not sure how to 'cure' that, though stopping her hitting/hair pulling altogether (it's not frequent) would be nice.

The way I see it is, you aren't expected to be 'in control' of any other human being, are you? So why should you be able to control one just because they lived in your womb for a bit? Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, all you can do is put restrictions on where they can carry it out/the environment around them. So, you can't stop a 3yo from running off, if that's what they want to do, but you can to an extent make sure they only get to do so in safe places (especially if you have two parents about so don't need to go with kids everywhere).

She's a three-nager.

But you sound very tired.

Mine has gone to bed in her coat . I have no idea why but I'm not arguing...

Mum of another very strong willed 4 yr old DS here...

3 was by far the worse age for him and tbh a lot of 3 yr olds are little so and sos. They have all the physical and speech skills to do what they want and demand what they want but no empathy at all and are each the centre of their own little universes. So far 4 has been much better as DS has developed some empathy and actually sometimes co-operates with me rather than fights me over every single thing.

I tend to think you can't control your children as such, more they choose whether to co-operate with you and do what you want. But you need to make sure they are safe while they are not co-operating by running off etc. DS either holds my hand or I hold his wrist how ever much he is whining when we are by busy roads etc.