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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's sad seeing women begging for proposals

59 replies

Anonfornow00 · 29/01/2014 12:33

I'm seeing so much of this lately, firstly a very successful beauty blogger I keep up with is forever putting up ring statuses with hint hint tagging her boyfriend. My good friend and all round amazing person sends her long term partner pictures of rings weekly and entering wedding competitions, another friend gave her long term partner an ultimatum so he proposed on Valentine's day. I've just seen another girl I know tagging her partner in a picture about how great women are (you know, she carried your children, she makes a house a home etc) and tagged her partner saying how her finger feels empty.

Is it just me or is this fucking crazy? If they want to get engaged so desperately why don't they ask themselves?

It just seems really desperate and everyone around being so aware, when they eventually do pop the question is just feels like they've been broken down.

OP posts:

claraschu · 29/01/2014 13:18

I knew we were going to get married. I never said anything, hinted or mentioned marriage to him or to anyone else. In the end my husband was the one who proposed, and it was a very romantic surprise, and a very special moment. Maybe it is a bit sappy that we didn't just discuss marriage and agree on it, but I thought he would like to actually propose at some point. It doesn't mean that we are not equals, or that I am oppressed by the patriarchy; it is just a tradition. I am the least girly woman I know, and I detest sexist stereotypes.

FracturedViewOfLife · 29/01/2014 13:24

I don't understand it.

Me and DP lived together. When we first met we spoke about everything drunkenly like you do at the start of a relationship and I told him I never wanted to get married. I was 21 so marriage wasn't something I was thinking about.

A few years later I realised that being with DP had changed my mind and so I told him that. We had a discussion and then we were engaged. I don't see why people can't just talk about these things.

tattychicken · 29/01/2014 13:25

I had the conversation with DH, eg we're in our late 20's, living together, marriage and children are important to me, if it's not to you then that's fine but you need to let me know. I thought it was important to make my feelings clear. And yes, he did propose 6 months later.

Begging and dropping hints is humiliating but talking about it is sensible IMO.

FudgefaceMcZ · 29/01/2014 13:27

I think it's sad, but not that the women are sad, more that it's very cruel that society treats women who want committed relationships as sad, desperate creeps, while treating women who don't want them as mentally unstable 'cold' weirdos. Hardly surprising that these women don't want to ask themselves when if they do they'll be called bunny boilers or whatever, and if they just sit about and don't get married they'll have people bitching at them for being doormats or failing at the Tory Family Ideal, and if they dump the man and find someone who is actually bothered about commitment, they will be called heartless etc etc. You really can't win if you're born with X chromosomes, and yes, that is extremely fucking sad. I don't think there's something wrong with wanting men to actually act like adults and either commit to the person they're with or fuck off if they aren't so she can find someone better, but the majority view seems to be that men should get to define all relationships, so they can fanny around as long as they like, the woman can't be 'needy' by saying she wants more security, and he can wait until he finds someone else before dumping her, but she's still the sad, desperate one, not him.

Objection · 29/01/2014 13:28

I don't see what the big deal about being married is personally. I've been with OH for 3 and a half years, we own a house, have a dog and a cat and will be planning a baby reasonably soon.

I'd like to get married for the legal benefits and to celebrate our relationship formally.
I'm also looking forward to the presents.

He can ask me in his own time until then - whatever. I get to keep my awesome surname for a little longer

I question the women's priorities and true happiness when they are desperate for a proposal - what are they trying to compensate for?

**disclaimer - I know that women can ask men and I know I don't have to take my OHs name, but I will anyway.

nickymanchester · 29/01/2014 13:29

Don't want to derail the thread but what exactly is ''tagging'' ?

FudgefaceMcZ · 29/01/2014 13:30

"Agreeing with all those who are genuinely baffled by the longterm, often cohabiting couples who are already obviously mutually committed to a future together and have discussed marriage and plan to do it"

That's not baffling at all. The man could go off at any time, leaving the woman possibly pregnant or ill or anything, and he would suffer no social stigma at all. My ex and I had discussed a permanent relationship, agreed that we wanted children etc etc. His friends still thought it was perfectly fine for him to dump me a couple of weeks into a pregnancy we didn't know about at the time, and take up with a 19 year old. How is it then baffling when women don't feel secure, seeing as we aren't, and have no legal protection or rights to support unless we have a stupid bit of paper?

LessMissAbs · 29/01/2014 13:30

YANBU, its pathetic, demeaning, and probably quite off putting too I should imagine!

CoffeeTea103 · 29/01/2014 13:32

Yanbu, it is pathetic. If you're resorting to this type of desperately embarrassing behaviour then you should question if this person has any intention of being with you long term.

JayEmm · 29/01/2014 13:37

I agree with FudgefaceMcZ. Nicely put.

45redballoons · 29/01/2014 13:39

We have discussed marriage a lot. We both say things like 'when we get maried we will do this...' so I know he feels the same way I do. I don't know why I need to get married when we are fully committed, I just do. I would however, never publically humiliate him into proposing, we are going through circumstances that mean a wedding wouldn't be any time soon, we are both concentrating on other things, I would rather think about a marriage when our minds are in a better place, and sorry to say, I will be excited when he pops the question. I can't rationalise it, but I won't feel bad about it.

Topaz25 · 29/01/2014 13:43

NickyManchester
Tagging is a way of linking someone to your post on social media so they will see it.

chipshop · 29/01/2014 13:47

I wonder how common this is. Several of the wives of DP's mates gave their partners an ultimatum or deadline. I know this because DP had anguished calls and drinks with said mates saying they were not sure if they could go through with it. One actually called him when he was in the kitchen, whispering he knew he had to go into the lounge and do it or he'd be dumped but he really didn't want to. The wives have told me romantic proposal stories which I know aren't true. Ridiculous!

I certainly won't be begging for a proposal but now we live together our families and friends have decided we should get married and it's really annoying. Weddings are a nightmare, we get harangued all day and if we go on holiday everyone gets excited.

ercolercol · 29/01/2014 13:56

YY YANBU I got married 10 years ago after dh and I had a long drunken conversation and decided to get married. He didn't propose. I didn't realise how weird this was. I didn't have an engagement ring as didn't see the point, luckily lovely MIL gave me one of hers .

I think it is strange to wait to be 'asked'. How can your relationship be equal if you can't say 'Let's get married'?

we are now are married, have a joint account, do 50/50 childcare and housework, I kept my name, tho the dcs have dh's. In 2014 I thought that would be the norm. Reading mn it doesn't appear so.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 29/01/2014 14:00

Or is because you have to be 'whisked' off somewhere to get engaged? As if you were some eggwhite in a bowl???

I am stealing this. I own it now.

NO, I can totally agree that someone might want the legal safety of marriage especially if they are planning children. It's the "proposal" and the "fairytale wedding" bollocks that goes along with it. I understand someone saying, look is this happening, because I have a limited amount of time and I don't want miss my chance to have kids".

Linking pictures of wedding dresses and rings.. it's just ick. The proposal is then forced and how does that "mean more" than if they discussed it together? Like grown ups.

hootloop · 29/01/2014 14:04

I think its a bit odd to be honest, I was 17 when I asked my then boyfriend of 2 months to marry me, I knew I wanted to get married to him, I knew he'd never ask me. We married 8 months later and have been for 13 years.
I had a fairytale proposal from my ex the year before and that didn't end well to say the least.

Pigeonhouse · 29/01/2014 14:06

Fudgeface, you are misunderstanding my post. I understand entirely why a woman may want to get married for reasons, including legal protection - I married while pregnant myself, as it seemed easier than drawing up a document that gave equivalent rights to us both - but not why a woman who is in a serious (or apparently serious) relationship where the marriage discussion has taken place does not then regard herself and her partner as engaged and simply go on and marry, rather than sit about dropping hints about St Valentine's Day and rings.

I'm very sorry that happened to you. I do think, though, that the sitting about and hoping for a proposal thing actually makes women more vulnerable than a general societal convention that a marriage is mutually agreed on, followed by said marriage. Because the 'waiting for a proposal' thing seems to potentially extend for years, through pregnancies and the births of children, through joint property decisions etc etc. (I'm not suggesting you did this, incidentally, but it doesn't seem to be considered particularly unusual for a woman who has had several children with someone to be still waiting for him to 'pop the question'.

FloweryFeatureWall · 29/01/2014 14:10

It's not the wanting marriage that's embarrassing. It's the inability to talk about it and to instead hint with ring pictures and deep sighs and moaning about how lovely weddings are etc that's embarrassing.

Pigeonhouse · 29/01/2014 14:11

Cross-posted with Please. Yes, that's what I meant. Having a child or children with someone makes all that fragile, girlish waiting about and hovering near jewellery shop windows before significant dates much more pernicious.

Please, consider the eggwhite yours. It features heavily in a magazine my mother buys (sort of low-rent Irish version of Hello) which has a wedding section in which a photo of the Happy Couple is accompanied by a little blurb which always says 'blah blah, met at work, blah blah, imagine her surprise when he whisked her off to Barbados/Venice/up a random mountain and went down on one knee etc etc'.

rabbitlady · 29/01/2014 14:12

it annoys me. particularly when they've chosen to have sex with someone, move in with them, even have their children... all the time pretending they're too independent to want marriage... and then they whinge because there's no ring and no white dress.
well, if you'd wanted that you should have thought about it before you gave all your assets away for no return at all. was the sex worth it? because that was what you got.

somedizzywhore1804 · 29/01/2014 14:15

I have several friends in this position and it is genuinely bizarre. My best friend was so distraught on my wedding day that I was getting married first despite having been with my DH 6 yrs less time that her and her boyfriend that she proceeded to get hideously drunk and cried at the end of the night saying she would die a spinster

It's just weird. HAVE A CONVERSATION!!!!!

headoverheels · 29/01/2014 14:17

YABU. I was dropping hints to DH for a good few months before he proposed. We'd been together nearly 5 years by then and I wanted to know one way or the other, but I knew he'd want to do the actual proposing himself.

We've been married for 10 happy years now and have 3 DC, if I forced him to marry me he's doing a good job of making the best of it!

hootloop · 29/01/2014 14:17

A bit harsh rabbitlady
I am pretty sure people change their minds rather than pretend.

Waitingforflo · 29/01/2014 14:20

'Gave your assets away' . . .

FloweryFeatureWall · 29/01/2014 14:29

Assets? I lolled

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