To think a tiny bit of support would be nice?

[DrSeuss]

A close friend has had depression on and off for years. On many ocassions, I have sat up at night listening to her, gone to see her, had her to stay when she fell out with her mother who she was living with, talked and listened to her by phone or email. Only last week I was on the phone for over half an hour, listening to her tell me how useless her husband is, apparently.
Now I have depression due to work stress, family pressures and money worries. It's been getting Worse over the last few weeks. I can't sleep without sleeping pills, I need medication to get through the day. I frequently feel like just going to be and staying there but can't as I have two children.

I told her this via email yesterday. It says on my messages that she read what I wrote. So far, nothing. Not even a tiny message of sympathy or expression of understanding. I don't expect her to do anything to help me in practical terms. I know she has problems too.

AIBU to think that just once it could be about me? Maybe just a tiny bit?

YANBU

Let's hope she's thinking very hard how best to reply, and planning a RL cake-and-coffee listening session.

In the meantime and and sympathetic shoulder squeeze. Sometimes life can be shitty.

Sorry that you are struggling, OP. I hope she replies and offers support. But it might be that she is too used to you being the one that gives support that this new role is something she can't deal with.

Help comes from unexpected places. And in the meantime, maybe you should give a bit less of yourself to her.

As she is depressed, she may not have the resilience to support someone who is ill. There is no tidy 'one for one' here. And she will need to find someone else to support her whilst you are to unwell to be able to.

Do you have other people who can support you?

I hope you can both come through this with friendship intact, and both recover.

I wasn't looking for support from her in the sense that I have supported her. I just thought an email, even just a few words, might be forthcoming.

I know it's incredibly hard not to, but please don't take it personally.

In an ideal world, she would have replied immediately with words of understanding and support.

In the real world, she's probably panicking at the thought of having some kind of demand placed on her to be the strong one. That's not to say you've placed any such demand or how you intended your email, but that may well be how she has perceived it. And now she is beating herself up because she thinks she can't do for you what you've done for her.

She is probably terrified of saying the wrong thing, knowing from personal experience how much the "wrong word" can hurt and how unhelpful it can be. She is probably frustrated at herself for not being able to find the right words.

She may even have some warped perception that she has somehow "infected" you and it's her fault you're now ill with the same condition - she will know rationally that this isn't possible but depression is not a rational condition,

And more than anything, she is probably too mentally exhausted to deal with it so she has put it on her "too hard" pile for now, just one more thing to hide from. Replying to unsolicited contact, even from friends, can be so much of a pressure that it becomes a "block".

Ok, whine over! She has messages that she will ring me today. We will see. Thanks for your good wishes, everyone.

I know that feeling DrSeuss - Had a friend just like that. She would lean on me for support but as soon as I was diagnosed with my MH issues she ran a mile.

According to mutuals she thought I was faking it to take the attention away from her...

In the end though, I put it down to her own MH issues. Having a friend in the same boat can be both a blessing and a curse.

If you ever do need someone impartial to talk to you are welcome to PM me.

I still think that's a bit shit.

You would've picked up the phone there and then, or emailed back, right?

I have a friend. The minute he mentioned his mate potentially letting him down about taking him to the airport, I offered.

Last night I hit a kerb and buggered my tyre. I got home to wait for recovery and texted him. All I got was an Oh Dear. Then later, is it all sorted out now?

Ok so he's disabled, and mobility is compromised, but to not even say are you ok, not sure if there's anything I can do to help, blah blah.

I think you could have expected better from her actually.

I'm sorry you're suffering, but don't rely on her being there, that doesn't sound like something she might be capable of.

Really glad to hear she has made contact, DrSeuss. Let's hope she's able to follow up as promised.

I hope you are able to access plenty of other support, and I hope this proves to be a short-term thing for you and that you go on to make a full recovery. The positive thing is that it sounds as though your illness has come about as a very natural and understandable reaction to tangible pressures, and that is the type of depression which has the best recovery rates.

I hope you find a manageable way to tackle the root causes and come out the other side into a better future. Unmumsnetty hugs to you - it's a shit condition and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Thank you all.
Molly- thanks, I appreciate that.
Select- I have my husband. There is no one else. My parents are gone. My brother wouldn't be interested and lives a long way away anyway.
I am looking for a new job, the problem being that my current job performance is poor so my reference may not be great. I just missed out on a job yesterday. They said I had all the correct attributes, was perfectly employable but slightly less experienced than the other candidate. Maybe there's something out there for me. I am looking at posts which have less responsibility. The MH issues are not constant, they happen at times of peak stress so if I can lose the stress, maybe it will be OK.
Thanks again.

I've learned there are givers and takers in life..and your friend is a taker.

thats all there is too it.

good luck with getting a new job x

Meanwhile, someone I know slightly and for a relatively short time just emailed me a possible job. Which made me cry but in a good way. So there are some lovely people out there still.

yes there are, and sometimes its the ones who you think will have your back who disappear at the first sign of trouble x

You sound like you have good skills for voluntary work. If you are feeling up to it, this might be a way to gain experience and make new friends. Research shows that volunteering can help combat depression and stress.

As for your friend, it is frustrating that she is not being supportive but she might just feel overwhelmed and unable to react at the moment. You might need to take a step back from this friendship to focus on your own recovery.

In theory, yes, I could do voluntary work. I used to. In practice, I need something that pays the bills.

Good luck with the job hunt. In the meantime, is there any counselling you can access? Some GP surgeries have a counsellor attached to whom you could be referred, or do you have a local branch of MIND? Or you may be able to self-refer (depending on your local Trust) - link here: www.iapt.nhs.uk/services/

You may find some alternative strategies helpful; I know a number of people who have found real benefit from this site: www.getsomeheadspace.com/ and you can keep the meditations even if you don't sign up beyond the free trial.

I meant voluntary work alongside working/looking for work, you can do a few hours a week or a month, I thought it might be a way to get a reference or build up experience to get the job you want, I wasn't suggesting it instead of the job.

I might volunteer as an assistant at DS's school, that might work. Thanks for the idea.
2.30. Still no call. There will be a long, complex excuse, told with great annoyance with the whole world being blamed but not the one who didn't call.