Am I being a mug or is he?

[Fullofgoodideas]

I haven't bothered to name change even though my nick name sounds like I could think of a solution! I am a bit fed up and this is my first post asking for other people's opinions so please be gentle. I am simply feeling the pressure of being taken for granted, I work part time three days a week, have two children (DD6 DS3) on the days I don't work I look after DS as I wanted to have time with him enjoying being a mum and also have time to do the school run with DD. Around working and on the days I don't work I do all the housework, food shopping, laundry, sorting, gardening, cooking you get the picture. DH is far from lazy but doesn't believe he should be doing any of the above as he works full time! I am beginning to feel resentful. I am grateful to be able to work part time (I worked full time up to the arrival of Dd and then 4 days up until 1 year after the return to work after DS so have only been working 3 days for just over a year). I know other have far worse things to worry about and really I am just having a moan but I just feel so sad that whenever DS and I go out one one of our days together DH makes me feel guilty as the housework doesn't get done. I feel unappreciated and frustrated that I am being made to feel guilty and a failure for asking for help....moan over thanks for reading!

Smile and wave. Get on with what you want to do and enjoy.

Thanks Exit. I do try! Just feel cross as I know things would be different if roles were reversed.....

I think it'd help if you laid out the facts in cold hard maths.

How much time is he out of the house through commuting and working.

How much time are you spending commuting, working, housework/chores, childcare.

Then, putting hours worked to one side for one moment, how intense are the hours you each do?

If you can be wholly logical about this and your husband is a reasonable man he can't help but see how unfair he is being.

Hmmm he's damn lucky you clean at all. My personal view is that I am there to be with dc's, if you work three days then you work. Any cleaning etc is a bonus. Any criticism by my dh would result in a bucket of cleaning supplies by handed over.

Do you both get the same amount of free time? That is, time when you are not sleeping, working, doing chores or looking after children?

No wonder you are resentful, if you are doing all the housework, dh should be pulling his weight too. Do you do everything for example bathing the children, breakfast taking them to clubs?

Gosh, you could almost be me from about 7 years ago, even down to the work patterns.

I have no good advice but can offer a big bag of sympathy. H and I are no longer together (for various reasons, only one of which was feeling like a second class citizen for not pulling in a decent salary).

You are absolutely not a failure! I tried a hundred times to point out to H that if I worked FT my salary would be lost on childcare and diesel, the housework still wouldn't be done, his tea would never be cooked (it was when I was at home) and our children would be out of our care for 10 hours each day. He never listened, but I'm glad I did it, even though I was (and still am ) always skint.

Now that my dses are much bigger I value the time that I had with them, and by working PT I kept a hand in the workplace so didn't lose skills or confidence. As long as everyone is clean, fed and happy a sparkling house and show garden aren't important.

Point out that you are working part-time so you can spend quality time with your son while he is little.

I also work part-time while DH works full-time and for that reason I do more housework than him during the week HOWEVER at the weekend we split it 50/50.

If he's not even doing that, do not put up with ANY moaning from him about the state of the house. If he even starts, tell him you're going to draw up a chore rota.

Also, and this may sound like a cop-out, but can you afford a cleaner? If so, probably worth it.

Thank you all at least I am not blowing this all out of proportion! I feel I do need to say I had hoped to be able to do it all and had implied to DH that life would be so much better if I further reduced my hours as I would be happier and less stressed about fitting it all in. Historically our agreement before DC had been I would do all housework etc and he would do DIY which he is very good at and has saved us a fortune. This was not entirely fair as I don't enjoy housework but understand it needs to be done but DH very much enjoys DIY. That said it worked well, however since the children arrived as you all know the housework/life admin tasks increase ten fold. We have moved to a larger house that again needs renovating which is what DH focuses on however he does not do this daily or every weekend and when he does I am in charge of the children myself and trying to keep up! Needless to say it goes awry!
From the perspective of commutes etc we both decided we wanted to have time with the children so both work similar 9-5 hours so quite equalin hat regard. No long commutes for either and school run on days where we are both working are shared. He does do bath time whilst I generally tidy around for this I am grateful but would rather he tidied! I sound a bit weak I know but can assure you I am not! I just want us to be happy but fear I am the one in this equation who isn't and needs to stand up for herself more!

Harriet you are right it would be quite pointless me working the other two days which is why I steadfastly refuse to do so!

Stick to your guns! If you can manage financially on 1.5 wages then go for it and stuff the housework. You can work FT and pay a cleaner when your dcs are older, you don't get back these early and pre-school years.

When I worked 3 days a week, I tried to be fair in my 2 days 'off'. Between 9-5 on those days, I generally 'worked', be it childcare or housework or kids admin stuff etc. if it all want complete in those 2 days, then it was shared on an evening or a weekend. But occasionally I would spend the day at the zoo, or somewhere else having fun, and on those days I thought it fair that I do the hw that evening whilst dh did what he liked.

Want = wasn't