To offer help when it's a secret?

[Hoppinggreen]

Dd i9 and has just told me that a girl in her class has told her that her mum has breast cancer and " isn't getting better". DD was quite upset as we have a family member who has been quite ill with the same thing but is now thankfully in remission.
Apparently this girl is only allowed to tell her BFF ( which my DD isn't) but she has told her anyway. It's a big school and I don't know the mum, don't see her at pick up etc and DD also says this girl hasn't got a Dad, which might just mean her parents are not together.
Anyway, ths girl does do an out of school activity with DD and I volunteer in DD's class so I do know the girl but not the mum at all.
Would it be ok to pass her my number at pick up for the activity and say " x has told DD you haven't been well, if you need any help dropping x off or picking up from ( activity) please let me know.
I don't want to look like I'm gossiping or anything like that but I want to help if I can - opinions please.
Should I just stay out of it? I've never spoken to her at all and would only know her if she was with her daughter.

Yes, I think so. Definitely. A simple offer of pick ups/drop offs is o.k. She may be relieved to have some help at hand, although if you volunteer in class she might be uncomfortable. I think children will share things with who they want to share things with, it would be unreasonable for the mother to expect otherwise.

If it were me, I'd be mortified that DD had told people that I didn't even know!

You say you know the girl, and her and your Dd do an activity together. Perhaps you could start by offering to have the girl to play at your house on a different day? Or before/after the activity depending what time it is? Then that could naturally morph into picking up/dropping off. And you never know, the girl might say something directly to you in which case you can naturally mention it when you see her mum, rather than 'my daughter said that your daughter said that' which does sound like gossip.

Yes I think what you have suggested would be very kind. The note keeps things very private too.

No. She doesn't want people to know. While I have no doubt your intentions are good, you really need to keep out of it. BUT keep an eye open, see if you can start by saying 'Hi' to the mum.

I'd go for it. Don't admit you know the details, just say you've heard via your daughter that she's not that well, and you can help out re that activity.

You could dress it up a bit with a "I know how much my DD enjoys seeing your dd at activity, so happy to help with drop offs etc" which makes it sound less like you're doing her a favour out of pity, iykwim.

Sorry but I have to say it again - I had a serious operation when my dcs were small. I told who I needed and wanted to tell. Someone found out and did the same thing. I know everybody is different but I found it extremely intrusive. Please think about this.

Why don't you just offer to help without mentioning the being unwell bit. Just say to her that if she wanted your happy to pick up and drop of, it would be no trouble and save the her the bother.

I really dont think you should mention the illness as she may still be coming to terms with it and it could be a bit much for some one she doesn't know to suddenly talk about it without warning.

And the daft the girl is only allowed to tell her best friend tells you what you need to know.

The daft girl? Oh god I didn't mean that! I thought I'd put 'the fact the girl' fat fingers and predictive.

Ok. What I am going to do is start saying hello to her when I see her and her daughter. Her daughter usually speaks to me anyway due to an activity I do in school with them once a month.
I'll leave it at that for now, thanks for the help, I genuinely didn't know what if anything to do.
DD goes to the activity with her BFF and other close friends, this girl isn't part of their " gang" as such so offering to have her for tea etc might seem odd. DD is very upset and doesn't know what to do ( she's anxious in general) and has no idea how to help this girl.i have told her just to be nice and listen if the girl wants to talk to her. DD is rather quiet and has a reputation for being quite gentle and kind at school, which is why I think this girl has told her.
Thanks again

I too think its a bit intrusive to let her know that you know. She obviously is quite private if she has asked her daughter not to tell anyone.

However, I agree with hear roar that you could just make the offer to do the drop off and pick up, can you say that you practically go past her door or something like that?

Do you live near each other? Because if so, you could text to say 'my DD and your DD do the same class - how about working out a lift share?'

That reduces the number if times she has to turn out by 50% immediately, and from that base you can get to know her a bit better and gauge further offers of help depending on what happens.

That sounds great, Hopping. Just talk to you daughter honestly, hope she's ok about it soon.

Do nothing unless it happens naturally. If she wanted you to know she would tell you. Don't start manufacturing things to get the end result of getting in her life. I know you want to help but it isn't about what you want.

No idea where she lives or anything . Although my DD is very kind she us also quite shy and tends to stick to quite a close group of friends they she feels comfortable with. Plus her BFF is pathologically jealous ( whole other thread) and there would be problems if DD tried to get closer to this girl, which DD wouldn't feel comfortable doing anyway.
Will just smile and nod for now I think

Toffee - believe me I don't want to " get in her life" I have a pretty full life of my own. I was trying to help a fellow mum, especially as I have a close family member who went through something similar recently and I know the other school mums really helped her out.
Anyway, as I said I appreciate all the replies, I'm not going to do anything other than say hello to her as I have said.
Thanks

I wouldn't like this at all and would see you as being a bit of a busybody - I know you aren't and your intentions are good but I would feel a bit like I was the subject of gossip.

As I keep saying thanks for the replies - I AM NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING TO THIS LADY.
That's why I asked on here to get some input and I have and it's been useful. The last thing I want is to upset her and it seems that I might so I will just leave it as smiling and saying hello.

I would definitely offer the help tbh.

I wouldn't write a note though. I'd simply say that her dd told your dd she was ill, and offer the lifts. I'd also make sure she knew it was between me, her, and the gatepost.

I couldn't let it go though just in case she felt it was intrusive.

I think being intrusive (in this way, which I don't think is particularly intrusive at all) is better than not offering to help someone who might really appreciate it.

I've just skim read through to see if anyone else's first thoughts were concern for the girl. Is she being supported enough? If your daughter isn't her best friend and the girl felt the need to share then I'm wondering how she's coping. I think a work with the teacher is in order to ensure she's getting the support she needs.

When our little girl first found out her grandad (my FIL) had dementia, we involved the school and she got extra support. It's helped in these later stages and was invaluable for her.

Good point Joys mum. DD's teacher is nice but newly qualified and is just finding her feet a bit. I know the girl asked the teacher what if her mum doesn't get better and according to DD the teacher just stuttered and mumbled a bit and was generally a but rubbish.
I know the Head of Year quite well - what could I do without looking like I was fishing for gossip?
God this is confusing I don't know what ( if anything to do) . I could look like a total gossiping busy body but if this lady does need help and is a single parent she might appreciate it.
Also, I am VERY aware that this is not actually about me!!