to ask what you would do wrt to ex smoking in car/very close to toddler (but denying it)?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

DS is 3 and always comes home reeking of fags. I know ex smokes in the car and at home he sits on the backstep with the door open (whilst DS is obviously in the room too as he's keeping an eye on him at the same time).

I've asked a few times (his sister let slip he still smokes/smokes in those places) and he denies it everytime so how would you go about getting it to stop.

DS said 'mummy, stay there, i'm going for a cigarette' the other day Not sure why but it made me so sad. I don't want him thinking it's a good option/being set that example.

Stupidest thing is that ex's dad died at 49 of a heart attack and smoked like a chimney despite being very 'healthy' in all other ways.

At age 14 my DS refused contact with his dad for two years because he didn't like his dad smoking. I supported him.

So sue me, too.

The people that suppose your DS will come into contact with cigarette smoke in the wider world are being disingenuous. It won't necessarily happen - at least not in a context where your DS can't choose to leave or ask the smoker to stop.

As far as I'm concerned it's no better than a heroin user doing it in the same room.

Erm, I think the Heroin is going a little far.

You may think comparing allowing your child to be in the presence of smokers with allowing them to be in the company of heroin takers is going a little far.
But until you've been in both situations you couldn't possibly judge.

Smoking in the car is awful in my opinion. Id think the same about the situation with anyone., not just ex.

You can't do anything I'm afraid. Smoking may be a health issue but it is not, as yet, a child protection issue. Your X has every right to smoke around your child. It's a sad reflection on him that for the short time he has him he can't refrain, but there is nothing you can do other than accept it and talk to your DS in an age-appropriate way about smoking so that he hopefully avoids it himself as he grows up.

How often does he have DS? If it's the usual EOW and one evening a week, perhaps you can console yourself with the fact that the passive smoking, while far from ideal, probably isn't going to be as high risk as if your DS resided with a smoker full time.

I sympathise enormously.

Yes it's the car that I think is the awful bit.

Surely he can have a little restraint and just wait until the journey is over.

With stuff that no matter how much your squint your eyes and look at it funny is not currently even close to being a chid protection issue nothing at all you can do about it.

His dad has the choice to do it or not.

I get that it's his choice. I just wish i could do something. I stopped smoking when pregnant, did it for a bit after then realized i could never tell him not to if i did so quit and it wasn't easy but it was for ds not me.

The main concern is just the car as it smells like he barely opens the window. No exaggeration.

might be a long shot, but doctors and midwives sometimes check a woman has been smoking witha breathaliser (I think that's what they use) maybe be speak to your gp to find out if they can tell you if he is coming in contact wwith a lot of smoke that way? If they say he is ask them to write it down and show your ex.

Then buy him an E-cig for the car

Stopping contact is not an option. Yes smoking is bad for him - but having no relationship with his dad would also be bad for him. Possibly not as obvious but just as pernicious.

So - you need to work out how to work with him to help your son be as healthy as he can be. I would try being very calm and constructive (i know you want to shout at him but it won't help). Don't ask him if he smokes. Just tell him you know he does and whether he's doing it in the car with ds in or not the end result is the same - ds reeks of smoke. Be clear that you know he wants to take care of ds and ask him if he has thought about how vulnerable ds's chest etc is at this age. Science is on yourside - this is not good for ds. what we need is for his dad to see that too. Then it's squeaky door time - everytime ds comes home reeking you calmly say 'I can smell the smoke on him, please don't do that, it's harming him' As ds gets bigger you can ensure he understands the health risks of smoking. Hopefully your ex will fold like a deck of cards when his son himself asks him not to smoke. Smoking is an addiction. it's hard to break it and people need a good reason to do so. If you stress and storm - like you want to - you give him a reason to keep going. To be awkward and to deal with the stress. If you can calmly but clearly keep making your point you've more chance of him embracing it as something he wants to do for him

I don't understand how he has time for 40 and to watch your Ds. The math doesn't add up it really doesn't. He would have to either be doing it in the house with him or outside for 10 mins every 20 mins. He is effectively not watching your Ds for large proportions of the day unless he's in the house or car with him.

You have to get the health risks across some how any how or your Ds will end up very ill. He's smoking forty with him :(

Can your ex play with your Ds at yours or arrange to meet out and about?

He spends a lot of time at home with DS & he also lives with his mum, who watches DS whilst he smokes (or so he says. Probably true).

He's just moved to cornwall (190 miles away) and i'm worried about the 3hr car ride and how much he'll be smoking during the trip.

I may try calmly talking to him about it as suggested, thanks. Have done in the past but he was just adamant it was his DM's fag smoke

(They both smoke in the house when DS isn't there, hence the apparant smell but it's too strong to be 'old' smoke IYSWIM).

I wouldn't believe that fir a second. Your Ds isn't a surprise visit , if he's that far away it's planned in advance. Plenty of time to open windows air his bedroom etc.

Maybe some print outs from nhs web sites etc? Giving all the gruesome details and hope it scares him enough to stop smoking around him :(

You are a bigger person than me. No way would my kids travel 190 miles to be ignored by their dad and watched by grandma just so he can smoke.

Don't engage with whose smoke it is. Just keep reiterating what's best for ds's health.

If it was up to me, id have told him to get lost years ago but I've sucked up so much for ds's sake. It's just this one thing i can't bare.

I've shown him nhs stuff calmly a few times but he just says fine and that he's stopped doing it. Frustrating.

And I've explained i don't want anyone smoking around him to make sure i don't put him on the defensive.

Posting this has just made me realize how pointless it is actually. Sad

Must be really hard OP I feel for you.

It's the car that would get me.

And I'm not a rabid anti smoker by any stretch it's just so needless. Pull over if he has to or stop in services.

Noo. I am still me Coconutty. Yes, it's a bit confusing with the Sparklings.

It's not illegal in England (yet) though I plan to drop it into convo somehow that it's being considered by teh government etc in the hope it makes him realize it's not just me trying to 'get' at him and the health issue is a real one.

He & his mum smoke indoors all the time unless his sister's kid or DS is there (though he definitely smells of 'new' smoke rather than that slight wiff you get from houses like that). Pfft

Thanks for all the replies.

Sorry I haven't got any helpful suggestions Orchard. indeed.

It's just sad because he's always had the attitude that the smoking issue is one I created to be a pain in his arse, when actually I have better things to do, worse things to be a pain in his arse about and I just want what's best for DS. I don't do petty & he should know that after 3 years...But it is what it is I guess.

I'm surprised he's still smoking at all considering how unexpectedly his dad died. (No previous issues then bam, heart attack, early undiagnosed lung cancer discovered after death etc). I will be gutted if DS startd smoking because males in his family do have a history of heart/lung issues (his dad's dad died of lung cancer and his mum's dad also had a heart attack).

And I don't mind if you have no suggestions I just appreciate the response really. Can't tell if i'm being OTT because i'm his mum IYSWIM & it just helps to talk about it somewhere where I don't have to be reaaaaaaaaaaally careful what I say in case someone has an adult tantrum.

No you aren't being OTT. i am still at 40 a day. just the £££s are shocking.