My wife began seeing her personal trainer outside the gym. I cheated on her almost 4 years ago. I say this just to put this in perspective. She sometimes still have emotional setbacks because of my unfaithfullness. My situation was not the norm though. I was out of the country on military duty (reserve). I was called home because my mother was deathly ill...long story short, my mother died. I had to preach her funeral because I could give no other man that honor...this cause me to repress all my emotions. Afterward I couldn't face the world so i returned to my military duty. I broke down while there, and what I now see as an emotional affair came full bloom during my grieving and I found myself in a position conducive to sex while I was weak and that's exactly what happened. I left the country, but continued the emotinal affair, waiting for it to die because i didn't want to keep her hanging on to false hopes. We chatted on FB periodically and yahoo messenger. My wife found the communication on my phone and I was completely exposed.
So, she still hurt sometimes. Since then I've completely regained her trust (I think) and her forgiveness. Yet, in a moment of sadness she allowed herself to be comforted by her personal trainer. This friendship, somehow found its way outside of the gym. I knew nothing about it until i began to smell smoke on her. Finally after i questioned her on the smoke, she admitted that she's been spending time with him, that he's her friend, that she has been in his apartment alone with him, that she has spent the many times she was late returning from the gym at his apartment with him and his girlfriend or him alone, in spite of my difiance, she insists on maintaining and nourishing this relationship. She tries to justify it and rationalize it based on my physical affair and my ministry to a suicidal teen who would call me openly and who i hid no communication from her initially. However when the kid became suicidal again, I began allowing short calls during the time i was home and i spoke with her in my wife's presence.
Each time i confront my wife on her behavior she tries to rationalize and explain it away. She has spent one ENTIRE day (dawn to dusk) at his apartment with him and his girlfriend drinking without so much as telling me where she was until she had been gone 7hrs. The next Sat, she left at 8:30ish pm and returned about 4am, again, not asking, consulting, advising in the least. She has done a photo shoot of him alone in a location they hiked to, yes-without asking me if it was ok...just telling me that she was going to do it (never showed me the photos). Last night she left angry because one of my former students texted me commenting on Turabian format...this student has aroused my wife's suspicion simply because she's female and has asked for my guidance, not because i've done anything or have spent any quality time with her. I didn't reply to the text and I told my wife what the text was and who it was from.
She took that as an opportunity to leave and she didn't return until after 4am. Again, she admits being over to HIS apartment.
I need to know if I'm crazy? She doesn't want to do any form of counseling...says that she loves him as a friend but is not in love with him. I read her texts (she allowed, but said she would never do it again and refuses to grant me access to any of her media) in one of the texts he called her luv. She defends him, but gives me hell, and say that I'm giving her hell, because I want to know what's going on.
after many argumental requests. She's never told me where he lives nor has she given me his phone number and I 've requested them all. Am I crazy or is this a very far gone emotional affair.
I've told her to end it and that i don't want him in our lives. I've told her that as her husband i have a right to put boundaries in her relationship with other men...she disagrees. Says she's grown and won't be controlled and can pick her own friends. I don't want to leave my wife and I truly don't know what to do. I've requested all access to her media, and i've insisted on therapy...even if it's just us using a program i downloaded from marriage busters, all with resistance. Please help.