to think whoever's at home more should do more housework?

[smuggler]

My friends husband works four days on four days off. She's been training to be a teacher three days per week and is starting a full time teaching job in September. At the moment she does everything except DIY with regard to the house and children. They have different standards but I don't think she is OTT - I.e. If he spills something on the floor he'll wipe it up with a tea towel then put it back on the hook to use, whereas she'd put it in the wash. He puts the kids bath towel on the toilet/floor while they're init and she says this mmakes the bath a bit pointless if they're getting dry with a dirty/germy towel. When they lived separately he'd only hoover once per month at most! They have a dog who moults and df hoovers downstairs everyday.

She's worried that she'll struggle to fit all the household stuff in as well as fitting in the kids and working full-time in September. I said that as her dh has more days off, he should do more. However, because he'll be earning almost double her salary he doesn't seem to think he should have to do housework too He doesn't have to do any work at home on days off whereas she will have to. It seems ridiculous to me that she'll be run off her feet in term-time and he'll have four leisurely days off. Do you think he's BU?

So just because he earns more he thinks he doesn't have to do housework? I've heard it all now.

I'd stop doing any washing, ironing or cooking for him immediately.

no he is not unreasonable if he pays a cleaner to do the supplementary housework, if he won't then he is being unreasonable.

Tell her to tell him to use some of his fat wages to pay for a cleaner then. She won't have time.

Get. A. Cleaner.

Also, stop worrying about your friend's hygiene standards.

Whoever's at home more should do more of the non-work stuff - childcare/cooking/laundry/arranging playdates/taking kids to dentist etc. Not necessarily more 'housework' in its most traditional form.

Where did I say I was worried ArsePaste?

He won't pay for a cleaner. He thinks his cleaning standards (as she witnessed before they married) are fine. She disagrees and will therefore end up doing loads more

The housework should be decided fairly so that each partner has roughly the same amount of leisure time once paid work and domestic work/ childcare is done.

Your friend's problem isn't housework, it's the fact that her DH is a lazy entitled arse.

We have similar, mixed days on and off and both work f/t. While we both have things within the house we do and the other doesn't (me - bathrooms, him - garden etc) of course the general day-to-day stuff is shared. It just makes sense. If you're at home in the day, as long as your DC isn't at the stage where they are literally glued to you, then you can stick a wash on, sort the washing up, and run the hoover around.

Thurlow she's had their baby/toddler glued to her for the past two years and managed to do everything as well as studying/training. If he looks after her he doesn't even put his cup in the sink or open the curtains!

Yes, that does sound a ridiculous situation. The first year of teaching is hard work, even if you don't have children, & there's no way your friend will be able to carry on doing all the housework she's doing. Her DH will obviously have more time to do it - or, as others have said, it would probably make most sense to get a cleaner.

Having said that, I don't quite understand why you're so invested in this issue to the point where you know what your friend's DH does with the kids' towels / how often he used to hoover when single etc. Does your friend moan on about him all the time?

No we spoke it about once over the weekend. She wasn't sure if her cleanliness standards were too high.

Oh, I see. Sounds like his standards are quite low, from what you said, & he sounds lazy - & arrogant if he thinks earning a good wage exempts him from pulling his weight at home. I feel sorry for your friend - hope she can get a cleaner sorted.

Like so much about a relationship it's about compromise. If she expects him to take main responsibility for housework she can't expect to be the only person who has a say in what is a reasonable level of cleanliness. Supposing he had been tidier than her- how would she have liked it if he had come home from work when she was part time and tried to dictate what standards she had to clean to without listening to her opinion?

Discussion, compromise, mutual accommodation is the way to go.

Of course her cleanliness standards aren't too high. His are too low.

Thing is, if you live with someone and you want a harmonious, happy relationship with them, you try and do stuff that makes them happy and try not to do stuff that makes them angry/ unhappy/ stressed etc.

The important thing is that your DF's DH doesn't mind if she's angry/ unhappy/ stressed.

That's what I'd focus on.

She doesn't feel she can compromise Cory as she feels it'd be too unhygenic for the kids to live in, so ultimately she'll end up doing it herself

Part of the problem is the different attitudes to the amount of cleaning that should be done. It's hard to agree to share jobs equitably if one person thinks that half the jobs are unnecessary.

Perhaps they need to agree a list of jobs that they both agree need doing and then split them sensibly. If their cleanliness standards are completely out of synch (mine are somewhere in the middle or your friend and her DH based on what you've posted) and they can't agree, then unfortunately she is likely to end up with doing more.

my DP also does 4 on and 4 off and even though I'm on maternity he does housework. he's just put a load of washing on, cleaned the porch and put some shelves up as well as see to DD....and I havnt even asked him to. hes being very unreasonable. just because you earn more doesnt give you the right to be lazy at home

I don't think the problem is that he won't clean, but he won't clean to her standards snd without seeing their house it is impossible to say who is BU.

Would it be reasonable for a partner wiith OCD to demand the other clean it to their imppssible standard?

Likewise if the flat has been condemned as a heath hazard it wouldn't be fair for one partner to say 'its fine,I am hahappy with the standard of cleanliness. '

Ahh, the classic pincer manoeuvre by her DH - his standards are lower so therefore SHE has to do it. Would you say he has at least a basic level of cleanliness in which he wishes to live with his family?

She does sound a bit OTT, with the bath towels, for example, but if she's starting as an NQT in September, all her time and energy will be taken up by that (has she been watching 'Young Teachers' on a Thursday night?), and her dh needs to understand that, for her first year at least it's going to be a really hard slog.
Therefore, either he needs to pull his finger out and take over what she does in the house, or get his wallet out and pay for someone else to do those things.
If he's earning double a teacher's salary, plus of course they will have her salary to come in, then I'm pretty sure they can afford a few hours of cleaner time a week.
That said, she also needs to learn to relax a bit and 'let go' of her impeccable standards.

ASK The fact one partner in a relationship gets upset or stressed because an arbitrary task isn't completed isn't a sign of them being right or something that must be accommodated.

If I wandered home snd said 'partner, the fact that the kitchen isn't completely repainted every week causes me distress as I think it is dirty otherwise. I've drawn up a rota, I'll paint it this week and you paint it next week.'

That wouldn't be fair or equitable, one party is calling all the shots and the other is being used as a domestic skivvy.

The towel thing is a bit OTT, particularly given the standards she seems to apply to the rest of her cleaning.

However, hoovering and the like isn't. And frankly, the not putting his cup in he kitchen is just disrespectful.

They need a cleaner - so she needs to have the either you do it, to an acceptable agreed standard, or pay half for it conversation.

Stuff whether he will pay a cleaner, she can pay a cleaner, it's her standards she wants maintaining.

Good grief, this sounds very like my home. DH and I both work fulltime (office hours) and 'split' household tasks. In practical terms this means I do almost all the housework (unless I specifically ask for help and bodily drag him off the sofa), and he does the bins every single fortnight, like clockwork. Except when he forgets and I do them.

DH does do car stuff, cuts the grass (not since October though) and basic DIY (if I pester, beg, bribe and threaten enough). His view seems to be, because he brings home almost half my annual salary in a single month, that he is already 'contributing' more. I've tried saying that it's about free time/hours put in/sharing the load (especially as he has a much less stressful job than me and never needs to bring work home, while I work longer hours and bring work home a few times a month) and if he doesn't always argue, his 'help' tends to be deliberately useless, i.e. makes a mess, puts a wash on but doesn't hang it out before it goes whiffy so it needs done again, etc etc etc...

That said, he isn't averse to getting a cleaner. If I only had the time to find one...

Backforgood I wouldn't say her standards are impeccable, they are pretty similar to mine though so I may be biased. She hoovers downstairs everyday because of the dog hair but their house isn't massive and it only takes 5 mins. She polishes, cleans bathrooms, mops and hoovers upstairs once per week.

When they lived separately he hoovered downstairs around once per month (usually before his mum visited!) never mopped the laminate floors, never polished and he didn't own any cleaning products at all so the bathroom and toilets only got cleaned by df when she couldn't use them any longer because they were so grim