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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be irritated about a copy cat friend?

51 replies

pepperfish · 27/01/2014 10:36

I have this friend who, as far as I can see, goes out of her way to 'do one better' with practically everything in our lives.

For instance, when I told her DP had booked holiday and thought he might propose, I came back from said holiday, engaged and really looking forward to sharing it with her, to find she had also got engaged, and had told absolutely everyone we knew....

Roll on wedding time. I booked mine first. Hers had to be within the same fortnight, of course. I stopped talking to her about it because she made everything a competition... What she had booked, what it cost. When I once exclaimed I had had enough of wedding talk and was feeling quite stressed, suddenly so was she and, oh! would everyone stop talking about it already! There were even days taken off work for 'stress'.

There are other, small things too. Like, she overheard me saying to another friend about a TV show DH and I were into, and then the next day there's a post on FB about how she can't wait to get home and watch said program because her and her DH are obsessed...

I could go on...

Our other mutual friends have noticed, and at the start I never let it bother me before, but it's all starting to get me down. DH says just ignore her. I don't know that I can.

Anyone else have a friend like this? What do you do about it? I'm scared to confront her incase I just come across as paranoid and pathetic.

OP posts:

honeybunny14 · 27/01/2014 12:09

Yanbu ive got the same problem

OpalQuartz · 27/01/2014 12:13

The OP isn't just complaining that her friend got engaged at the same time, she is complaining that the person is always copying her. That's what is irritating to her.

Original poster

pepperfish · 27/01/2014 12:30

Urgh, I shouldn't have mentioned weddings. I can see the person you think I am - a jealous, crazy Bridezilla type who flies off the handle at the thought that someone might also get married. I'm not. Im actually normally pretty quiet and laid back.

I'm pretty cut up that it's come to this and that I don't feel I can stay friends with this person. Again, hence my post. If you think I'm in the wrong, that's fine. Point taken.

If you've never been a little bit taken aback by someone trying to outdo you, then clearly you are a better person than I.

Cheers for all the friendly posts everyone else, I think you are right, the friendship has run it's course.

OP posts:

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 12:31

I had a male friend who used to behave in exactly this way. It was as though EVERYTHING was a competition ie "anything you can do I can do better" from an exercise class I wanted to attend to a training course I went on to going out for a night to a pub and getting chatted up (he was livid that one person had asked for my number) so rushed off to chat others up so that TWO people asked for his number.

It was utterly weird as he was otherwise a really nice friend. I distanced myself from him and he moved away. We were in touch a few years later and he told me that his new dp told him he was really, really competitive and that he was totally shocked by this! I told him that I agreed and was amazed that this was news to him! I honestly don't think he realised he was doing it. I think if I was in that same situation again I might actually say something to the person doing the copying either that or wind them up as has been suggested! Either way it's not very conducive to a long lasting friendship is it?

PollyPutTheKettle · 27/01/2014 12:32

Yanbu. You have the choice of sending out duff information to wind her up, confront her or keep her at arms length. I am not sure what I would do. It would depend on how good a friend she is and how she is likely to react.I have never had anyone try and copy me. Maybe I am not stylish enough . I have met lots of competitive types though , one in particular in my group of friend. I just keep her at a distance and dont engage.

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 12:33

pepperfish, I think only people who have never experienced this in quite an extreme form would accuse you of being a bridezilla or being childish. I am also very laid back and not at ALL competitive. It was actually rather creepy to be honest.

ScarletLady02 · 27/01/2014 12:54

YANBU. Clearly this isn't just about the engagement, if that was the only incident I feel you wouldn't be posting. More that it's the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

I don't really know what to suggest other than doing something insanely outlandish to see if she'll do it. I posted months ago about a strange dog-walker who talked to my DH and started becoming slightly obsessive and copying everything I did, especially to my hair...I know have it nearly all shaved off and the bit that's left it bleached bright white

ScarletLady02 · 27/01/2014 12:55

Aaargh excuse typos, I was rushing to post as I have to go out

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 12:56

ScarlettLady, that IS creepy! What other things did she copy?!

Bonsoir · 27/01/2014 12:56

She clearly is in absolute awe of your taste and lifestyle and thinks you are the bees knees .

Flumpf · 27/01/2014 13:00

I've experienced a little bit of this in my life. It is very annoying. I now try to keep a friend at arm's length at all times. It's been tricky as she's asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding. I would have liked to have ended the friendship a long time ago actually, but I've never had the guts to break her heart and crush her spirit. I thought that she might have gotten the subtle hints, but she's too wrapped up in her self to notice that I hardly respond to what she's saying any more. It makes me feel like a bad person, but just fed up of feeling like I don't matter.

tb · 27/01/2014 13:17

We had friends who did this. From memory they copied

Microwave - early 80s they were quite new then
Open fire with Baxi grate
SLR camera - except we could only afford a relatively cheap Chinon CE4 and they went out and bought an Olympus OM10 with a zillion extra lenses
Buying a second home in France when we'd been talking about it

However, there were 2 things they couldn't copy - we had dd 18 years after he had the snip, and, when we moved to France we just sent them a Christmas card with our new address in it - we left the UK at the end of November. We said that we hadn't said anything about it in case we didn't manage to sell the house.

oldgrandmama · 27/01/2014 13:19

Loved chippednailvarnish's suggestion of telling her you're having a Jordanesque boob job ... and why not go one further, you're having a 'vaginaplasty' or whatever it's called too - in order that your DP's pleasure will be 'enhanced' by a bit of tightening up your fanjo (is that the correct MN term?)

Actually, I'd dump her as a friend - she sounds a jealous pain.

ebwy · 27/01/2014 14:47

obviously your bridesmaids are going to be dressed in "really classy" lime green, your dress edged in it too. to make the details "stand out" of course. And to pay for that you'll be using a tiara from the toy section in poundland....

or if that doesn't appeal, get some bride magazines and sit down with her saying "oooh I wish I could wear that style, but it wouldn't suit my big bum/flat chest/bony shoulders.... bet it would look awesome on you,your bum/chest/shoulders are much better! you should try it on in a shop, come on,let's go and see!"

or just answer any queries with " I don't know, what do you think?"

she has no idea what she wants or likes, and that's just sad.

5HundredUsernamesLater · 27/01/2014 14:50

I bet the posters who see nothing wrong with her behaviour have never seen 'Single White Female'

MomsStiffler · 27/01/2014 15:00

I had a friend that would do this - I'd save for ages to buy something for a hobby & they'd go out the next day & get the next one up - for every single thing!

But they had no interest in the hobbies until I mentioned them!

Drove me mad, that and the inability to do anything on their own & always tagging onto me, led to me increasing the time between seeing them & eventually killing the relationship off.

Life's too short!!

Vijac · 27/01/2014 15:00

I know it may not be much consolation, but she is paying you a compliment. She obviously thinks you're super cool!

Stellaface · 27/01/2014 15:26

I had (note past tense) a friend like this at uni! It was actually a source of constant entertainment, especially the time she copied a flatmate's tattoo exactly (big one on lower back) only to be told that the flatmate's one was a temp henna type one... honestly, I'm not exaggerating.

However I do get the annoyance, because it was more the things that didn't seem quite so big when you articulated them that were annoying. If I complained about something, it sounded so trivial and petty of me, but there were so many small, unimportant things that it was well beyond coincidence.

Also as others have said, it's the oneupmanship that was worse. Nothing quite as annoying as getting something you've wanted for ages, only for the copycat to rush out and buy the better one you maybe couldn't afford... and then wave it in your face and make out that you had copied her but couldn't afford the good one...

Pigeonhouse · 27/01/2014 16:03

OP, I can see that someone copying your clothes/hairdo/decoration/ hobbies/wedding dress/date might be maddening, though I fail to see why you clearly feed her information that allows her to 'compete' - I mean, if you knew what she was like, why on earth tell her about the possible proposal?

But you cannot honestly have expected she would keep quiet about her own engagement on the off-chance that you had got engaged while on your holiday. That is the bit that makes you sound as if your take on normal human interaction is as skewed as hers.

Melonbreath · 27/01/2014 17:53

Agree with silly suggestions such as saying 'I think I shall shave my head this weekend'
see how far you can push it.
Just tell her fake stuff from now on

LaBelleMadameManchotSansMerci · 27/01/2014 20:52

Is she definitely copying you, or is it just you like lots of the same things (as friends often do)? Maybe she's complaining to people "Everything I want Pepperfish always gets/does before I do."

I was accused of copying a girl at school. I had no idea she thought I was doing it, and in fact barely even noticed her, until one day, getting changed in PE I saw she was wearing the same novelty type socks as me. I wouldn't have thought anything of it if I hadn't then overheard her saying, "It's getting really creepy now, she's even copying my socks. I don't even want to think about how she found out about them." Then she saw I'd heard and it was obvious she was talking about me.

She'd seen me wearing clothes that she also owned, we played the same musical instrument, we liked a lot of the same music and once she'd been talking to me and my friend and she'd said my friend was wrong about something and I'd agreed with her (that my friend was wrong). But there was nothing unique about the clothes or music, the instrument was one widely learned by school children, and in that conversation my friend had been wrong.

Apparently she still thinks I'm copying her because I gave ds2 the name she was considering for her child. Ds2 was born five years before her child.

Sorry I'm kind of hijacking your thread, and not being helpful. I always get a bit over-sensitive when I hear about alleged copy-cat friends because of that girl.

Your friend might be copying you, it might just be coincidence. I think you should go with the idea of saying you're going to do something outrageous or ridiculous and see what she does.

halfwildlingwoman · 27/01/2014 21:18

LaBelle, that happened to me at university. This awful girl accused me of copying her, because she thought I'd slept with her ex (I fucking hadn't, he was a sleazy lying bastard.) and then created a scene in public, casting up lots of random co-incidences and petty things that I had no motive about at all. It gave me the shivers.

noddingoff · 27/01/2014 22:05

What fun OP. What about claiming to be on a cabbage soup diet and being really determined to stick to it as your previous record of being able to RIGIDLY stick to a horrible diet has been 13 weeks. Oh and you have been also adding anchovies as you've heard they're fat-burning, though you can only really stomach half a tin of anchovies at a time though you wish you could manage more. But at least you've already lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks.

Or what about gardening? As it's winter you're digging well rotted manure in. Everyone knows that it's much better to double dig ( 2 spade-depths) but you've only managed to single dig your 10x10m square patch, as it's such back-breaking work (gazes at Copycat's 20x20m veg garden). Of course, when spring comes and you're planting the veg you want to be sure that its really, truly organic so you will be out half the night picking up slugs rather than using chemicals. Ditto digging out all the weeds on the patio and scrubbing it (hide the slug pellets and Roundup and PatioClear when she comes to visit)

LaBelleMadameManchotSansMerci · 27/01/2014 22:10

Halfwildling, I know what you mean about it giving you the shivers. It feels really creepy knowing someone has been scrutinising you and assigning motives when you've just been innocently going about your life and not thinking about them at all.

I don't know why this girl decided I must be copying her, and all I could think to say when she accused me was, "Why would I copy you?" She took this as proof that I was, because "it's not a proper defence."

PuggyMum · 27/01/2014 22:19

I have a friend who does this and it is very annoying.

She got the engagement ring I had said I would like! My dh was gutted for me at the time but made sure the eventual ring was just perfect. She's now divorced.

She bought a watch I pointed out I had my eye on...

She named her baby the name I said we would use! I never learn!

She is a good friend in the main though so I try not to tell her such things anymore!

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