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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was a prime example of being a dick?

24 replies

BuntyCollocks · 26/01/2014 23:58

Sorry, this is long and therapeutic ...

My DD has fairly severe reflux, which wasn't diagnosed until she was nearly 11 months old. When she hit 5.5 months, and moved out of her hammock, which incidentally is marketed as excellent for reflux babies (which is clearly was!), she stopped sleeping.

DH and I were averaging a couple of hours broken sleep each night. Dd, even though she was getting very little sleep, is/was a very happy baby, though sicky (hence why no one listened to me about there being something wrong).

At 10.5 months, my friend, C, who had a reflux baby, saw dd being sick 20 times literally in an hour and told me to push the doctor. We tried gaviscon - didn't work.

I took dd to dr, emergency appt, and said she didn't sleep. Was told that wasn't an emergency. Stated if she didn't get someone or something to help me, it was an emergency, as I was on the verge of flinging dd out a window.

I was literally at my lowest ebb. Dr wanted me on citalopram, and I had a prescription for it.

Another friend, B, - well done for getting this far - text me that day, and I told her the whole story, about my dd not sleeping, how dh and I were like zombies, at each other's throats, hadn't slept more than a couple of hours a night in months, how the doctor thought I was depressed.

"She'll sleep when she's a teenager haha!"

AIBU to think that is the single most dick like response ever, and she's lucky I didn't go and lamp her?

Dd is now on ranitidine, btw, and sleeps through. It was like a switch had been flipped when it got into her system. Will never not feel guilty for her suffering as long as she did, and never not feel angry that I was treated like a stupid, overprotective mother when I was right and something was wrong.

WIBU to wish her baby due in the middle of the year doesn't sleep? I know I would but I am still fucked off

OP posts:

PedlarsSpanner · 27/01/2014 00:08

Is your husband beating himself up about the late diagnosis? I bet not. You need to let go, forgive self

Your friend didn't 'get' it.

Original poster

BuntyCollocks · 27/01/2014 00:09

pedlars you're right on both counts.

OP posts:

PedlarsSpanner · 27/01/2014 00:14

< shoulder squeeze >

magesticmallow · 27/01/2014 00:14

Your being over sensitive

Ohbyethen · 27/01/2014 01:12

I don't think you were over sensitive. I think she was thoughtless and self absorbed actually. She may not have got it but you were in a bad place, a friend empathises, listens and is a shoulder to cry on. If you have no experience of the problem that doesn't flick some kind of caring switch. It was an easy, glib answer of the 'not interested in this conversation' kind.
I have a sneaking suspicion this friend will not suddenly feel remorseful for her comment when she's in the middle of even non reflux baby nights - I would wager she will have it worse than you and so want to tell you all about it while you are supportive.
I hope I'm wrong.

Do please give yourself a break. Hard to do but you did everything you could, your dd is well and happy and she will not remember ever being sore and sick. You kept on for her when the Drs were dismissing you, that makes you the reason for her feeling well. I'm glad she's getting on so much better.

MerryMarigold · 27/01/2014 01:35

I think there's loads of things going on here. Guilt, relief, anger etc. I think you need to unravel it a bit before you get too bogged down by any of it.

Don't feel guilty - how were you to know if doctors didn't? Do feel relieved though, that you used the hammock and that she is better now, and it has been dealt with.

I think your friend's comment was thoughtless, but if it was carried out over text, it can be hard to gauge people and she may have been immersed in something else and not really engaged fully with you. Had you been together in person, in tears, or even on the phone and she said the same thing, I think you would have a lot more grounds to be annoyed about it.

holidaysarenice · 27/01/2014 01:55

I have a health condition that keeps rearing its ugly head, my friends were all lovingly sympathetic and it wasn't helping. When one said, I'll rip it clean out, beat the shit out of it, put it back in and you won't have another squeak out of it, I was delighted.

Sometimes we need holding, distracting, made to laugh. And sometimes our friends read it wrong.

When she is struggling she'll remember and feel awful. And you'll have lots of ways to help her and not let her feel like you did.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 27/01/2014 02:07

Ugh some people just don't think before they say things.
Forgive her.
You were out of your head with tiredness (and I absolutely sympathise as dd had reflux and it seemed to take forever for diagnosis, that was at 3 months - imvho you must be a saint to have gone for so long, fully understand the dd out of the window comment too)
However being that much if a saint and hopefully a good friend you'll let this one go.
When her baby arrives I'm willing to bet having been there done that you will step up to support her and she really will need it. Shame she couldn't do the same for you though!
And agree it was a 'not interested in this conversation' comment above. She basically dismissed you with a verbal handwave.
Ever noticed that those who have had toothache empathise with you when you have it? It's that kind of thing I guess. She hasn't got the situation you have so she doesn't understand .. And don't bother wishing her baby be nightmare child from hell, I tried that once and ex friends baby was an absolute golden child no crying slept straight through ect fucking typical eh

Shitehawke · 27/01/2014 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

BuntyCollocks · 27/01/2014 08:38

Thank you, all.

I do need to give myself a break, she's not even my pfb! I think I probably beat myself up over my 'failings' re: my dc as I hate to think I didn't do the best by them. Both have had issues, dd we have to keep an eye on the reflux as her medication needs tweaked when she puts on weight, and both dc has tongue and lip ties which no one initially believed me about.

However, that's a whole other post, and I really appreciate you all wading through my woes! (only cause it's too early for ) and

I will be there for her when I inevitably get told her three day old won't sleep through the night

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 27/01/2014 08:42

YABU.

'They'll sleep when they're a teenager' is a pretty standard response to hearing about a baby that never sleeps.

It doesn't make your friend a dick. Your reaction to a harmless comment shows that you are sleep deprived and stressed and therefore slightly irrational.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/01/2014 08:49

She was treating it like your bog standard 'knackered parent of a baby' moan. It appears to be the standard response I heard it a lot when mine were young and my eldest was waking every 2 hours every single night for the first 15 months of his life. I was knackered. And yes, got the heh heh heh, you wait until they are teens, you won't be able to get them out of bed...

Fastforward to now, and yes, it turns out that's true. but it doesn't bloody help when you're so tired you can't seem to figure out how to make the kettle turn on and your tea bags are in the fridge and your butter is in the tin cupboard and frankly I am surprised nobody has been beaten to death with a baby rattle.

I suspect it is because the parent is simply too tired to get up a good swing.

You didn't know. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You asked for help. The doctors should have listened to you and realised this was more than the usual baby burping up a bit of milk and all that.

ShephardsDelight · 27/01/2014 09:44

Although I empathise you're having a shit time,

you are being a bit ott

I think you're mate was trying to lighten the mood.

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 09:48

I think you are over reacting but at the same time I know exactly what you mean. I had people say some incredibly insensitive things when I was struggling as a single parent, with PND, trying to cope with returning to work, baby not sleeping etc. It is SUCH a hard time. Flippant responses may well be normal and an attempt to jolly you along but my god, sometimes they can piss you off! I totally get it! I'm so glad your Dd has the medication she needs and that you are both getting some sleep now.

persimmon · 27/01/2014 09:53

My DS was an appalling sleeper (not quite as bad as yours though) and my friend once said "Wow, yeah, I've not been to bed before midnight this week, I'm absolutely shattered too". Frankly, I could have choked her not an overreaction brought about by extreme sleep deprivation at all.

Chippednailvarnish · 27/01/2014 09:55

Ds had reflux caused by cmp intolerance also diagnosed at 11 months.
It was hell, like living with the kid from the exorcist film (minus the head spinning).

You were being over sensitive, but she was being a cold hearted cow. I suggest that if she ever so much as wimpers any complaint about motherhood your way, you reply with "She will when she's a teenager, ha ha". I'd also add in a few "Lol" just to emphasize your point!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/01/2014 10:06

Oh please don't feel guilty.
Ds1 had undiagnosed reflux for 9 months. The doctor kept telling me it was colic. It's not your fault.

He woke every 30 minutes all night. I was on my knees.
People had all sorts of unhelpful comments. Until you have actually been there you don't know what it's like, so you can't really blame people for saying things like that.

HumphreyCobbler · 27/01/2014 10:23

The insensitive things some people say when you are on your KNEES with tiredness remain carved into your brain. When you are not so tired you are more able to brush them off as a twattish remark.

It was a very thoughtless remark and I agree with the others who say it means she just wasn't engaging with what you are saying.

formerbabe · 27/01/2014 10:27

YABU...massively so.

Original poster

BuntyCollocks · 27/01/2014 11:38

I was/am probably U and over sensitive, especially when it was a couple of months ago now, but for those saying I was massively U ... How so?

If your friend told you that the doctor thought she was severely depressed, and she had a baby who didn't sleep more than a couple of hours a night, would you really think "she'll sleep when she's a teenager" is a good thing to say to them?

Maybe it's just me, but I would be absolutely piling on the sympathy, not dismissing with glib comments!

As a few people have said, it seemed/seems to me like a throwaway comment you'd say to a mother who'd had a few broken nights, not someone on their knees, confiding in you as a good friend. Tbh I didn't tell any other friends about the depression diagnosis as I was embarrassed - especially when she never acknowledged it and it felt like such a dismissal.

OP posts:

Original poster

BuntyCollocks · 27/01/2014 11:40

Also - so sorry to everyone who has been where I was. It is massively shit.

I honestly think there's very little now that could come between me and dh, as if we were ever going to split, it would have been in the midst of it, when we were so tired all we did was snap at each other if we talked, and most of the time we didn't. We just stared blankly at the telly, taking it in turns to try and make dd sleep, before it was time to go upstairs and look at the ceiling whilst she bounced around her cot!

OP posts:

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 27/01/2014 12:56

You were tired. It was a harmless thing for her to say, if abit silly.

Tiredness kills all sense of proportion IME.

If it helps with the guilt, I didn't realise DS1 had reflux until DS2 came along (who was diagnosed with it). I then believed the GP that DS2 didn't need medication because he was putting on weight.

It was only years later when talking to a friend who is a medic that I realised he could and should have had medication. And obviously all the screaming was that they was in pain - dunno what I thought it was. Me "a baby wearing, co-sleeping child led (you get the idea) would never ever leave a baby to scream" parent, had two babies that screamed blue murder because they were in pain - I just thought it was what babies did.

So I'm properly hopeless.

Electriclaundryland · 27/01/2014 14:01

I think you need to forgive and forget what your friend said. It was just a throw away comment, she probably didn't know what to say. I'm sure she didn't mean anything mean by it.

Sleep deprivation is awful, I feel for you. Don't beat yourself up about your daughter's reflux. The point is you did get it sorted and she's getting treatment now so well done!

DoJo · 27/01/2014 16:40

I agree that she probably just wasn't sure what to say and opted for something which she hoped might make you smile. In all honesty, if you had wanted a more considered response, texting probably wasn't the best medium for your news as it may have given her the impression that you weren't too concerned about the doctor's opinion and were just catching her up with the news.
I do understand, believe me, but unless you're inexplicably friends with someone who has form for being a dick, then I think that you might just have to accept that it was an unfortunate coming together of tiredness and flippancy. Wishing bad things on her won't help -she didn't know better and you do so be kind.

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