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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not know who to "ask out" this potential friend?

11 replies

Bogeyface · 26/01/2014 22:33

I have met a woman through my DD that I really like. We have chatted and get on well, she has my sense of humour and has also had a chequered relationship history so wasnt at all judgemental of mine. Our DD's are friends but they are both quite emotionally mature so there is none of the falling in and out that you sometimes get with teenage girls.

The thing is, I have never been good at making friends. I am shit at it. I am permanently worried about getting it wrong, trying too hard, not trying hard enough.....which means that the friends I have are the people who could be bothered to make the effort with me, as I never did with them for fear of getting it wrong. I usually get on well with people I meet and they seem to like my company, but the fear of seeming like a stalker puts me off and I end up looking flaky or stand offish. But I would like to try and be friends with this woman.

I was thinking of asking her for a coffee, is that ok? Is that socially acceptable or is it trying too hard? Should I ask her to mine for coffee or to a cafe? I dont know!!!

Please dont laugh at me, I know how pathetic it sounds. In one of Terry Pratchetts books a witch bestows a gift onto a child of being able to make friends easily. I wish someone had done that for me.

OP posts:
VivienStanshall · 26/01/2014 22:40

Coffee in a cafe definitely, keep it light, nobody wants a pushy friend.

cozietoesie · 26/01/2014 22:41

Why not invite her and her DD to join you and your DD in an activity that you could all enjoy and that needs more than two people - ten pin bowling or something similar, say? You could see how you get on there and take it further if things went well. (And the two DDs would enjoy it as well hopefully.)

Bogeyface · 26/01/2014 22:48

Coffee in a cafe definitely, keep it light, nobody wants a pushy friend.

thats the over riding fear I always have! I dont want to be the pushy person, but that leaves me doing nothing :o

I am so embarrassed to be like this, I wish it came naturally to me!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/01/2014 22:50

DD has been on at me to go ice skating again, so that could be a possibility. She has other children but I think they are older, so that might work.

Thanks Cozie.

OP posts:
Laura0806 · 26/01/2014 23:05

I think you are worrying too much. I can't see how asking someone for a coffee at your house or out would come accross as pushy. I think its a nice thing to do and thats speaking from someone who is very lucky to have a lot of friends. When new poeple ask me to meet up I thimk its really nice. Sounds like she'd be lucky to gain you as a friend so go for it!

Bogeyface · 26/01/2014 23:10

Laura Thats the thing, I do worry too much. I totally over think things. Its due to a crippling lack of self confidence, I worry that she might only say yes because I am being pushy!

Mad isnt it? Hmm

I hope that everyone who makes friends easily understands what a gift they have!

OK, so how do you phrase the asking? I know it is pathetic, just tell me please!

OP posts:
Valdeeves · 27/01/2014 00:43

Just say when you part ways:

"What's your week looking like? Mines not too busy, so you fancy meeting for a coffee and a catch up?"

Or "Would love to have and DD over for coffee if you are free,"

There's nothing pushy about it - I love it when people invite me for coffee. It's only coffee, it's only time - the worst that can happen is they are busy.
Tell me about your circumstances - are you lonely?

Valdeeves · 27/01/2014 00:45

It doesn't sound pathetic at all to me - and you are definaty not the only one. It sounds like you have a bit of social anxiety - lots of people have this. Have you got a chattering mind that goes over stuff too much?

bolshieoldcow · 27/01/2014 00:48

What Valdeeves said!

Also, while pushy isn't good, friendly most definitely is. I love it when people send out the message that they like me and want to hang out. So don't worry. I'm sure she'd appreciate the coffee invitation, and if she's busy, don't take it personally.

And well done for being brave and stepping out of your comfort zone.

Laura0806 · 27/01/2014 09:55

Yes you're def not pathetic . i know lots of people that feel nervous about asking others out for coffee etc and thats probably half of the problem: you friend may also want to ask you to meet up but feel nervous about doing so. I agree with Valdeeves, just say it casually, would you like to meet up for a coffee next week if you're free? ' But don't take it personally if shes busy She probably is just that, busy. Do you have her mobile no? soemtimes it can be easier to do it via text if you're nervous?

Laura0806 · 27/01/2014 09:57

Pushy is only if she knocks you back for monday and you say what about tuesday, wes, thurs etc? or after the first meeting text to arrange another straightway. Personallly if ive arranged the first coffee I would usually wait for the other person to suggest another or wait a few weeks before suggesting another myself. I suspect you are the sort of person who wouldn't ever be pushy anyway.

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