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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to give daughters bf a good talking to???

41 replies

chickensaresafehere · 26/01/2014 16:05

My daughter(14) has been out with this lad before,but he wasn't particularly nice to her&quite controlling.
Move forward a couple of months & after some mild interrogation it transpires she's going back out with him
We have had a few arguments & chats about
how he treated her before &
he's probably going to do it again, but she's adamant she
wants to give it a go.
She's brought him back home,because it's raining & they have nowhere to go,so I have reluctantly let him in.They are in her room,with the door open!!
Please give me something good to say to him as he leaves that will leave a lasting impression on him

OP posts:

RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 16:52

I could send DHs kickboxing trophies round if you would like? For prominent display?

I have a 14 yo girl, this must be grim.

I'll probably get flamed for this but in those circumstances, he wouldn't be in my house though, if she wanted to see him that much they could stay out in the rain.

Hassled · 26/01/2014 16:53

I've wanted to say "piss DD about and I will HUNT YOU DOWN" to assorted youth over the years but have so far restrained myself. I regret that restraint with the last one, tbh - he could have done with it.

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/01/2014 16:53

Yeh it's hormones a go-go in our house,up&down all the time.
And I know if I stop her from seeing him it will make her want him even more as I was exactly the same at her age!!
Will just have to keep a close eye on it & keep lines of communication open.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 26/01/2014 16:56

I wouldn't let him in the house either in fact i never let teen boyfriends in the house when dd1 was that age,

RhondaJean · 26/01/2014 17:00

Oh no, dont stop her seeing him - they can go out in the rain though! If he can't get somewhere nice and comfy and cosy the attraction will fade quickly.

Can I also point out my friends 15 yo was coerced into oral sex by her new bf in her house in her bedroom with the door open and my friend popping in and out with laundry...

northlight · 26/01/2014 17:02

Tell her if it goes wrong again you won't say, 'I told you so.' Drop a few remarks to the effect that in good relationships people are happy and relaxed in each other's company.

mrsjay · 26/01/2014 17:09

dd1 had a boyfriend from 12 to 14 he was never in the house I know people like them to know where they are what they are doing but ime dd1 and her bf just hung out with friends in town or the cinema , tbf i dont actually know what they got up to all the time but I think allowing them in so young makes the relationship more grown up than it needs to be,

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/01/2014 17:10

She knows what a 'good' relationship is,from seeing how her father treats me.But it's the age old thing of being attracted to a bad boy & thinking you can change them.
He is well aware of my dislike of him,I am hoping that will keep him on his toes?!??

OP posts:

DurhamDurham · 26/01/2014 17:13

A when my eldest dd was 13 she had an awful boyfriend, we tried everything. Having him to the house, then when it became apparent just how controlling he could be we banned him from the house. School were concerned too and, especially after he walked in to her classroom one day demanding to speak to her. He really did have issues. One day I came home early from work with my then 9 year old daughter. He was lying on my sofa and moved my 9 year old out of the way of the tv with his foot. I'm ashamed to say I lost my temper and manhandled him out of the house.
I phoned his mum to tell her what I had done, told her I was at the end of my tether. She just laughed and said " aww young love eh!"
things didn't really get better until my dd realised she was miserable and she just finished things one day and never looked back. She was so young and we all felt so useless to help give that they were at school together.
Apparently he hasn't changed, he's almost 21 now so I pity his future gf's/ wife.

Mia4 · 26/01/2014 17:14

You can't force her to change her mind-despite what words you use and how right you are- nor can you say anything to someone controlling and unpleasant that will change his mind. Likely he'll just complain to her that you are' trying to drive a wedge'. I would go with trying to make her see by turning things around if possible.

In an extreme story I remember someone from work who was asked if she liked being controlled by one of the phd students- she reacted angrily to this until it was pointed out to her by the student that she was constantly telling everyone and anyone how he was controlling her (the actions) and she was readying herself and waiting around for it to happen again- so they asked if she liked it, otherwise why would she keep waiting and readying herslef? They were very blunt about the matter but it shocked her into thinking more about it ad she ended up going to see a counsellor and then leaving him. Blunt as the student was, it made my colleague take that step.

mrsjay · 26/01/2014 17:16

I know of somebody an older teen whos boyfriend controls her house her mum allows it because she is scared her dd wont like her all the other siblings hate him, he acts like that boy DUrham you did well

I am worried that there is going to be a baby soon as the girl is working and he doesn't like her going to work

Original poster

chickensaresafehere · 26/01/2014 17:20

Oh this boy will never get that 'comfortable' in my house !!

OP posts:

Boaty · 26/01/2014 17:26

When DDs first proper boyfriend came home for the first time, her older brother was here and just glared..didn't say a word, just glared, DH was sat in his chair and he is quite ahem brooding...and there was a pickaxe handle by the front door...The cat wouldn't leave him alone either...we found out later he was allergic to cats!!

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne · 26/01/2014 17:27

Allow him round to the house, but not into her bedroom, even with the door opened. If they go out to the cinema etc, drop her off and pick her up, even if she is used to travelling by herself. Try to subtly limit time spent at this boy's house

However, do not come over the 'unfair parent'- be polite, non critical, and 'isn't that lovely', but be 'present' more- I don't mean to imply that you are not already, but just increase the amount of hovering in the background, and always, always offer alternatives to spending time with him. For example, if he wants her to come to his house one Saturday, give her an excuse 'oh DD, but I thought I could take you and Best Girl Friend to lunch that day & then for a look around the shops, why don't you ask Boyfriend to come and visit at our house this evening instead' etc. Also, be very careful about her computer time and her phone. He could well be putting a lot of pressure on her via those, also the issue of naked pictures.

Sadly,I have recent, personal experience of this sort of relationship. I honestly think parents would be shocked if they found out the damage that can be caused by these sort of relationships, even between relatively young teenagers.

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne · 26/01/2014 17:32

Oh and it might be an idea to get her involved in something else that she has wanted to do for a while- a drama club, ice skating, anything, even if it's awkward and a stretch to afford it. She might need a bit of a push, as she probably wants to spend all her time with Romeo, but she will need outlets and other activities and new friends all the more.

Luckily most teenage relationships are fine, but unfortunately there are some that aren't. I really feel for you OP- it's a terrible balancing act

ovenbun · 26/01/2014 17:35

Every boyfriend my sister has had has had the 'if you hurt her I will hurt you' chat, I'm not particularly scary but I wanted them to know she had people who loved and wanted to protect her...I blame too much exposure to mafia films growing up!

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