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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking the piss of our dad's kindness: I have serious issues I need to communicate to my sister, but I cant get a word in through Icing and Baking tales.

39 replies

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:07

I love my sister, and mostly I care about what she has to say.

But she is on a baking frenzy. She bakes 5-8 full celebration cakes per week, plus cupcakes and brownies, to fund her dds trip to Cern with her physics class (A level physics)

Every phone call is at least 20 minutes of what sponge raised, which one did not, Italian cream cakes, French fruit tarts, various ways of making chocolate cake, icing, and how they have been decorated. The joys of cheesecake, the perfect pouring of jelly over fruit tarts and on and on!

There is no stopping her, and frankly, calling Spain to be regaled with cakes I cannot taste, is boring, and not to mention expensive.

I dont want to seem supportive, but come on this is likely to continue till the end of summer term!

The other issue is that she has decided to build a kitchen in an old bedroom upstairs in my dads house. There is space, the top floor is currently three bedrooms, a sitting room, a toilet with a sink. One of the bedrooms has a sink, so plumbing, and she is going to spend 5k on installing a kitchen, plus plumber, electrician, plus a joiner to actually install the kitchen. All the prep work is going to take place prior to her getting home in June. So, everything but the actual kitchen install.

She has not even emptied the room in question. There is furniture there, a large side unit filled with dinner sets, glasses etc.

A built in wardrobe has had to be knocked out, make good work on the wall, ceiling, and floor.

She has left our 86 year old dad, who is in a wheelchair, and cant even go up there, in charge.

She has decided the walls are to be painted blue and pink. My dad is aghast, he says it is still my house, Magnolia or cream will have to do! He does not want to send his mate out sourcing the right pink and blue.

And why is she doing this? Her daughter is moving there to study, so needs a decent kitchen. She says she must have the best cooker possible as she loves to bake brownies. My dad is saying no way am I installing cabling for induction tops.

Yes, you have guessed it. My sister is expecting dad to pay for the kitchen. She has said straight out that she is not comfortable with spending money to upgrade a house that is not hers. She can pay the white goods, but nothing else. Angry
I have tried reason with her. I have told her she cannot expect dad to fund this kitchen, just so that her daughter can live there RENT FREE.
But she thinks it is her duty as a grand dad to support her daughter.
My dad is sad and disappointed and feels taken advantage of.

I am angry because she has the money she just does not want to spend her own money. She does not even want to pay for a ticket to go up there and sort it out. It has to start happening NOW, as if they start in June when she gets there, the first couple of weeks of her dds uni might be "disturbed" by building noise. I have said her dd is perfectly able to use the vast library to study and wont have to be inconvenienced.

I am so sick of this navel gazing, how important it is that they are not inconvenienced, and that they save money.

How on earth can I make her see sense, and stop laying problem on my dads doorstep, quite literally?

OP posts:
MairzyDoats · 26/01/2014 11:14

I have no idea what to say, other than that she sounds like an utter utter horror and I pity you having to deal with her. Just wondering, won't it make your dad's house difficult to sell, having a second kitchen? And what made him agree to it?!

frugalfuzzpig · 26/01/2014 11:15

Good grief what an entitled madam Shock

RubyGoat · 26/01/2014 11:17

Well for a start, she could use the £5k she's planned to spend on the kitchen, on sending the other DD to Switzerland.

As for the rest, she sounds entitled, manipulative & selfish. Your poor dad. Why is she living there & calling the shots if it's his house?

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:18

There is a small "ante room" connecting one of the bedrooms with the hallway upstairs, and this was used as a kitchenette. It had shelves, a fridge, a small baby bel type cooker. The fridge has broken down, it was more than 40 years old, and they could not find another narrow fridge to fit in that space. It started as a discussion as to what they could do to make improvements to the ante room. Then it snowballed into a brand new kitchen in the bedroom that had a sink.
My dad never thought the work was going to be extensive. He thought it was just a question of a student having somewhere to sort herself some food.

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bodygoingsouth · 26/01/2014 11:18

goodness me, suprised you can love her.

however it's your dads house and he's got to be the one to tell her.

she sounds dreadful and bringing up her dd to be the same.

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:19

She was not planning to spend her own 5 k on the kitchen. She was planning dad should spend it.

The school does not allow direct financial contributions, they have to fund-raise, through baking. Not all kids bake as much. I think it is only my sister who somehow has gone a bit bonkers over the buns.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:21

He has tried to tell her.

But it is not easy for him, he gets muddled easily. This is an 86 year old man with brain damage after two strokes, one 11 years ago, and the second back in November.

She has no heart. Sad

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RubyGoat · 26/01/2014 11:22

Agree it may have to be down to your dad to tell her no. Would you be able to go & support him if he can't, or she's too stubborn?

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:24

I think he is going to let her go ahead and order the kitchen, he just wont pay for it. The contract will be between my sister and the shop. Nothing to do with him.

The biggest issue is that she should really be up there to sort out the mess in that room so that work could progress without problems. This is what is causing dad the biggest head ache.

He thinks she is spoilt, ungrateful, entitled and railroading him.

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sallysoubriquet · 26/01/2014 11:25

If this really is as you describe it (not doubting you, just that it is INCREDIBLE) then my jaw is on the floor.

However, as regards the logistical problem of getting a word in between bakery issues, simple: write to her. Make the letter from you and your Dad and get him to sign it with you.

Don't listen to any counter arguments. You and your Dad must not get involved with any discussion or negotiation. It ain't gonna happen.

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 26/01/2014 11:27

Good lord what a nightmare.

Can you convince your dad to just make the place liveable and leave it at that? Surely her DD can use the main kitchen and maybe even talk to her grandfather who is letting her live rent free?!

And why don't you Skype her so she can show you the cakes!

MairzyDoats · 26/01/2014 11:27

What happens when you stand up to her? Or has that never happened? Fgs, she's getting out of paying 3 years of uni accommodation, you think she'd shell out for kitchen improvements. OR, why doesn't she agree to share the costs on improvements to the main house kitchen which her daughter can then share with your dad?

horsetowater · 26/01/2014 11:30

Does she have money or not? Why is she on the cupcake marathon if she doesn't need money?

I would suggest her daughter wont want to stay with old grampy anywhere and would prefer to stay in halls. Can he support her financially another way?

We have a similar entitlement/proprty rich problem. Try to sort it out amicably before it tears your family apart. Above all be open and honest about what you all feel you should have or not have and talk it through.

DontmindifIdo · 26/01/2014 11:30

Can you back your dad in saying your DN can't move in at all and just stop the whole thing? She can go in to halls like other students. You can call your sister, say "shut up about the bloody cakes for 5 minutes, you are taking the piss and have gone too far, your DD will have to find somewhere else to live and this is your fault for being so selfish."

DrNick · 26/01/2014 11:31

you are way too involved with your sisters decor choices

horsetowater · 26/01/2014 11:33

*anyway

plantsitter · 26/01/2014 11:35

Can you email her and say 'this is not going to happen and here's why'.

She can't arrange stuff to be installed without your dad's permission. You should get involved at this stage because as the daughter in the same country (and the sane one) the alternative is forcefully being involved when it's all gone tits up and much harder to sort out.

Finola1step · 26/01/2014 11:35

Agree with writing to her. Signed letter from you and your dad.

Putting everything to one side, I have one question. Why is the grand daughter moving into the GF's house? I assume it is purely to save money.

Does she actually want to live there? What about having friends over and boyfriends? Once the disruption of the building work is over, will your df be able to cope with the disruption of having another person living in his house coming in and out at all hours (as all good students should do Grin )

Maybe the whole idea of her living there needs to be reconsidered by your df.

lollerskates · 26/01/2014 11:35

Have you tried shouting " Stop talking, stop talking, it's my turn to talk"?

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:39

Niece cant really use his kitchen freely.

In the last few years he has placed restrictions on any use of his kitchen when we visit.

  1. His kitchen is opposite the bathroom, and the kitchen has no door.
This means he feels uncomfortable with people being in the kitchen when he has carers in, helping him with getting up in the morning, toileting issues, and going to bed. He goes to bed early, around 9 pm, and his sleep problems means that he cant have people around after he has gone to bed. If he is woken up, he will face a sleepless night, paralyzed and unable to move.
  1. The kitchen is now arranged around his disability, and every thing in it needs to be exactly the way it is, for him to be able to reach, find his food.

I am hoping, and my sister is hoping, that having niece in the house will be good for him. He is not alone in case something should happen, she can do his shopping (she is more than willing, currently he has nobody to really shop for him), help with gardening, shovel snow etc.

The above is the reason why it is really a good idea that she stays there, but it also means she needs a kitchen.

I just dont know what to do about the current situation where he feels so hard done by, and my sister is digging her heals in about who pays for the kitchen.

She has never done building works, ever, so it could be that she has NO idea of the mess and what it entails.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/01/2014 11:41

I am not sure how you will do it but you HAVE to get through to your sister that this is NOT happening. She is being cruel to your father, bringing her daughter up to be a spoilt entitled madam and causing the whole family distress for a fucking backing frenzy.

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:43

The house is large, on three floors. It is a separate flat upstairs, which was built originally for my grandma. But it never had a proper kitchen, as she cooked downstairs, or ate with the family.

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sallysoubriquet · 26/01/2014 11:44

Well, Quint I had a feeling there must be more to it than meets the eye. Your last post (11.39) puts a whole different complexion on it and it sounds to me like your sister and niece are really good people. I'm not surprised you love them.

I still say write to her (but saying something other than I originally suggested) just so's you can get a word in

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 26/01/2014 11:46

Having seen a cross post I can see better why there needs to be a kitchen but there really doesn't need to be such a fancy pants one. It is his house so he must have the final say.

Quinteszilla · 26/01/2014 11:46

Admittedly it is hard to get all the nuances in, especially if you start out in a venty rant.

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