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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to find this very cheeky?

69 replies

fedupfedup · 26/01/2014 10:32

An old friend of mine is getting married abroad later this year. Sadly (for me and probably most wedding guests) she was determined that only a tropical beach wedding would suffice. So all the guests (around 25) are paying for flights, hotels, booking time off work to attend. I've just received the official invitation, which asks for money rather than gifts as presents.

Normally I'm not against travel vouchers/ a gift list and am happy to buy something. In this case though, having forked out hundreds of pounds to attend a wedding, surely guests should be told NOT to buy a gift, rather than being asked for cash that will be spent on a honeymoon? Oh and btw, the honeymoon is not an extension to the overseas wedding, it's a separate holiday for bride and groom...

OP posts:

PeterParkerSays · 27/01/2014 14:10

On principle I'd be finding a way to fit a hugely unwanted present, toaster, flat pack magazine rack etc. in my luggage to take it with me and present her with it on the day.

MissBattleaxe · 27/01/2014 14:20

LoveWine- I wear the same dress to all weddings. I couldn't economise more!

AlbertGiordino · 27/01/2014 14:20

£20 amazon voucher. Its nice to give a present.

LoveWine · 27/01/2014 14:24

MissBattleaxe the dress was just an example You could always come up with something - like a £20 amazon voucher as suggested by AlbertGiordino

Crowler · 27/01/2014 14:28

On principle I'd be finding a way to fit a hugely unwanted present, toaster, flat pack magazine rack etc. in my luggage to take it with me and present her with it on the day.

I love this. Or a huge winter coat. What a silly mare.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2014 15:44

'Popping' a little poem toting for cash is THE tackiest way! If you don't need gifts, you don't need them, all this 'no gifts, but money is okay' is beyond crass.

MrsKoala · 27/01/2014 16:57

Sadly i think asking for specific gifts, and more recently money, has become the norm and if you don't ask a lot of people can't think of what to give you. When DH and i got married last year we didn't ask for anything because we didn't need anything, but were hoping for some nice personal keepsakes - Nothing expensive, but i would have liked something thoughtful. But because we didn't include a list we got nothing (not even from family), because people just couldn't be arsed to think for themselves. We purposely had a more expensive wedding for us in an area we didn't really want, so it would be cheap and easy for the majority of guests. But because it wasn't 'in a hotel in the middle of nowhere with a gift list at john lewis' type shindig, people behaved as if it wasn't a proper wedding.

ohhifruit · 27/01/2014 17:16

YANBU
Take a photo of some coins, coconuts, sand and confetti then email it to her.

StrangeGlue · 27/01/2014 17:25

I think they're asking too much especially as, if they aren't paying anything towards guests attending, then marrying abroad could end up cheaper than a uk wedding as there are fewer people to feed etc.

I'd probably buy a token gift if I was going.

But then I probably wouldn't go.

monkeymamma · 27/01/2014 17:38

But... It's an invitation not a court order. If the journey is arduous/too expensive then don't go!

Nombrechanger · 27/01/2014 17:42

You don't have to go to the wedding and you don't have to give money either. It's not obligatory.

She's not doing it to spite you!

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves · 27/01/2014 17:53

The bride and groom may not be doing this to spite their friends but they are showing themselves up as astoundingly unimaginative and insensitive if they can't see that they are asking their guests to come up with an enormous amount of money just to attend. I find this selfish. I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that and if I had that much money and annual leave entitlement to spare I could find much better use for it.

Oriunda · 27/01/2014 19:25

MrsK I think that's really odd behaviour from your guests. If no gift list included in invite, we would always ask the couple/their parents what they would like. If we still didn't have a clue, then we'd give vouchers (John Lewis or similar).

MostWicked · 27/01/2014 20:54

It's not selfish at all. They have arranged the wedding that they want and have invited their friends. It is entirely up to the friends if they want or can afford to attend.
People's wedding arrangements should not be influenced by what suits other people.

Some of our friends whined for ages after our wedding, that they hadn't been invited (It was overseas and we didn't invite anyone). They complained about the lack of party (we had better things to spend our money on). There's no pleasing some people!!

CalamitouslyWrong · 27/01/2014 21:15

People's wedding arrangements should not be influenced by what suits other people.

This is the major problem in contemporary wedding thinking. It seems to have become all 'your big day' and the fact that you are hosting guests gets completely forgotten. Guests are not there to make the photos look nice; you're supposed to give some thought to them.

MissBattleaxe · 27/01/2014 21:45

I agree with CalamitouslyWrong.

It's all fine and dandy to say it's about the bride and groom, but it's not such a massive privilege to be a guest they don't mind using up their annual leave/family holiday budget/childcare favours just to share it. Guests do need some consideration, otherwise, just do as you please and get married without any.

It's also worth remembering that if your wedding is pants for guests then your guests will talk about it, and you, for YEARS!

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves · 27/01/2014 22:37

I have no problem with the idea of having the wedding you want and not inviting any guests. However, if you decide that having lots of guests is a big part of your wedding celebration, I do think it's just basic good manners to think about what will make it easy and pleasant for the guests to attend.

Notputtingupwithanyonescrap · 27/01/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissBattleaxe · 27/01/2014 23:51

Who's being a tightarse? OP's friend wants guest to attend her exotic wedding abroad and then wants even more of their money so she can have an expensive honeymoon and wants her friends to pay for that as well.

Can't afford it? Don't do it. And that applies to bridezillas, groomzillas and guests who are not rolling in it.

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